feel very mixed up anybody else going to just remain with one adopted child i allways wanted more than one

[MamatoHoney]

we have our dd who is a dream we are very lucky to have her but i allways felt that we would have more but as time goes on its looking further away social services say that we are messing up there statistics because we arnt progressing we asked them to put us on hold and can we withdraw our second application to tidy it up at the moment we have a lot of reasons not to go ahead my mother extreemly ill plus other things but it feels that the door is being shut on us going for another child in the future i know when circumstances change we can go back .
but now i start thinking how amazing life is with our dd and would we be better to just stop with one child and be happy but this ache for another child is eating me up i said that i was mixed up didnt i has anybody any advice

Mama, sorry to hear this.

Can SS not give you more time and a bit of space because of your mums illness? Think if you withdrew your second application, it might take a very long time to submit another one.

I can't belive that they are putting presure on you like this.

Is there absolutely no way you could consider going ahead at this time (sorry, don't know your personal circumstances )

How old is Honey (she sounds adorable

she is just about to turn three and a sweet little girl funny and bright .
i think that ss consider us to have had enough time allthrough the first process and adoption we had such a good working relationship with them i feel a little stabbed in the back when we are very vunarable

Grrr, don't get me started on targets in social services, I know the intention was to improve the way the adoption system works (and possibly it has) but it has led to all sorts of things being done arseways to make sure they reach their targets.

I have no advice for you at all, just lots of sympathy. When we started out in the adoption process our intention was to end up with two children, but now that have had our son for a year I think that I would be happy to stay with one unless ds' birth mother has another child in which case we would be keen for ds to grow up with one of his siblings. Obviously my circumstances are different to yours in that you would love another child but the timing isn't right.

What stage are you at with your second application? If you've gone all the way through the assessment then how long would it take them to reassess you if you withdraw now and reapply in the future? If they tell you that you can reapply and be fast-tracked then make sure you get that in writing.

we did our paperwork and my husband had his medical i wanted to lose a couple of pounds of weight since becoming the happiest woman walking i have put on a little weight i know it was going to be a issue the letter asking us to withdraw came out of the blue no phonecall to allert us i did reply under duress the reply on the phone was it makes things tidy for the new boss thay said that we would just be reasessed like everybody else but they havent put it in wrighting

Mama, is there no way that could consider pressing on with it now anyway. I only say that because realy, there is no ideal time to welcome a child into the world or to a new family anyway. Its always such an upheaval and most families have pressures and issues rumbling away in the background 24/7.

I don't have experience of adoption Im afraid but when all my children were born, there were always issues in the background - family stuff, relationship stuff, health concerns, financial issues - you name it! I guess that because we didn't have a say on when our children 'arrived', we just had to accept it and muddle on.

Having said that, I have no idea of what is going on for you at the moment but f you heart is aching for another child, shouldn't you just follow your heart. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can all adjust and settle down again.

You said your mum is ill, Im so sorry to hear that. Wouldn't she be delighted though to meet a new grandchild?

Feel really [cross] with SS about wanting to tidy thing up, you can't tidy families away for gods sake!

social services would like everything to be as near perfect as possible for a new child to enter your family ie,no possible predictable berevements to close family support systems this i cannot garentee mums health is extreemly delicate we have other reasons at the moment not to proceede with a second adoption but we wanted to make decisions not have it made for us .

both me and my hubby arnt getting any younger he is 41 and i am 38 it just feels that everything is going against us at the moment but then i look at our dd and relise what a magical little girl we have been given some people never get the chance of becoming a family and i feel selfish for wanting more i feel so mixed up

I'm sorry you are being pressurised, I must admit if you are not ready to progress then I would withdraw your application, otherwise I fear it will be interpreted as a lack of commitment when/if you do subsequently decide to go ahead.

I don't think wanting another is selfish any more than it is if you have a healthy birth child and want another. It is as much about providing a family for your current DD as it s about what you want, and of course providing a good home to another child.

I do agree with the comment that there is never a good time. When I first applied my mum had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, I'd lost my job and just moved into a new house I couldn;t afford. 2.5 yrs on, my mum is in remission and is healthy enough to have a good chance of seeing junior through the early years of his life, I have a stable job which allows me to work 4 days a week and I still can;t really afford the house but am managing somehow!

You know how long these things take, by the time you are matched the position may be very different and you can withdraw at any time up to matching if your situation is too complicated to add another child to it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

My advice is - if you want another child then go for it now.The longer you delay the harder it will be for your daughter and the older the next child will be (I assume you are seking to be approved for a 2-5 year old??)

I know that "social services would like everything to be as near perfect as possible for a new child to enter your family". Well sorry but that's plain stupid and you knwo it - no one knows if you will get ill, have an accident, lose your job etc etc. Just ignore that. You know how long assessment and matching can take - who KNOWS what might happen beofre then? No one can "guarentee" anything in life!!!! Besides, how can a family with "prefect" lives coep with a child whose life so far has been cr*p????

As for age - if you want another child then dont let age put you off - I am 44 and my Dh is 48 and we have 5 kids aged from 20 years to 8 months.

If you dont want any more kids then just withdraw and enjoy your lives without any SS interference. And dont expect SS to "understand" - you are simply a resource to them. Stop expecting them to care about your mum and the stress you are under because they dont - its a job to them.

You need to do what's right for your family, not their targets!!!

Remember if you chaneg your minds later you can always go to another agency if you are fed up with teh one you have.

Yes I agree there is never a time when you are not coping with something else or could put hand on heart and say you are unikely to have to do so within the next year. I think though that you do have to feel positive about the prospect of going through the process because it's hard enough anyway without the additional pressure of not feeling entirely committed. we had a hard time, adopted one child were matched with another who died before the process was completed and at that point wondered briefly whether we should just agree to stop there and concentrate on our wonderful daughter. Something made us continue - i think the fact that we wanted her to have a sib with similar (and somewhat unusual) background. I can say I'm so glad, so very glad that we did. But I would still say be sure that's what you want before you go ahead and if you are unsure at present contact SS and explain to them that you wish to wait a while before continuing - many people do just that. Some go ahead after a gap and some feel the moment has passed and their family now feels complete. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

thanks for all the advice at the moment it is impossible for us to proceed with a second adoption i cant start going in to the reasons as this would make me too identifiable in rl but just believe me .
today is our dds birthday and i carnt wait for her to wake up she is 3 and is so concerned that everybody knows that she is a big girl now and wares big girl knickers i just dont know where the time has gone its like everything is in fast forward i want to rewind and have my time again with her i love being a mum

beemail we had asked ss to put us on hold in feb but what thay have asked us to do was to withdraw the application because we are messing up the statistics and thay are recruting a new head of the unit and they wanted a clean slate for her to see this is there words not mine the ss in question has just being involved in a high profile abuse case. after recieving the letter out of the blue i phoned our sw to say that i was saddened and shocked by recieving it and she said that she was surprissed it had upset both of us she said did we think that we could just leave things hanging till the time was right well yes we did all way through our first addoption both sws kept saying you will come back wont you please come back i foolishly thaught that the door was open and lodging our paperwork didnt cause too much hassel i dont understand why the forms carnt just be put in a drawe and sat on till needed it does make me think about when or if we are ever ready to go ahead again to use someother agency