TTC versus registering for adoption

[Bellavinci]

My partner and I are both 37 and been together for 9yrs this summer. We decided to try and start a family 2yrs ago (not sure why we waited so long to start) and I was equally keen on adopting and/or having birth children as I have always felt that one day I would adopt. To be honest I had never perceived a real preference over trying for a biological child but was more interested in having a family and being a good parent. However, my fella wanted to try for a birth child first, before considering adoption and as we are older I thought that this made sense as my fertile years would be dwindling with each passing year.
So we first started trying to conceive 15 mths ago and were very lucky as I became pregnant after just 2mths. However we suffered a miscarriage at 13 weeks, which was heartbreaking! We dusted ourselves off and started trying again as soon as my cycle became regular. However, we have been trying to conceive since with no luck and my GP has just referred my partner for an SA test so that we can start investigating whether we have any underlying fertility issues.

My quandry is that after spending 15mths on this path and the upset of a miscarriage and uncertainty of conceiving again. I am increasingly wondering why we don't just proceed with the adoption route as this can also take a long time to be approved/find a match. My partner is also now fully onboard with adoption but still wants to keep trying for a birth child unless we discover major fertility challenges.
I had always imagined that I would adopt a sibling group aged 3-10 yrs but am torn between which option to pursue as I know the agencies won't approve us if we are still trying for a birth child. Either option seems to exclude the possibilty of pursuing the other for at least a few years. Has anyone gone/is going through this and what did you decide? How did you make the decision? Did you keep trying for another year or two for a biological baby or give up that option and embrace adoption? Any advice/thoughts would be much appreciated.

You need to commit to either/ or. You can't start the adoption process whilst still trying to TTC.

Oops sorry I see you had already acknowledged that!

Bellavinci I am so sorry to hear or your miscarriage and to hear of your dilemma.

You said My partner is also now fully onboard with adoption but still wants to keep trying for a birth child unless we discover major fertility challenges. Then you said I had always imagined that I would adopt a sibling group aged 3-10 yrs but am torn between which option to pursue as I know the agencies won't approve us if we are still trying for a birth child.

This is an issue for you and your partner to decide together. I don't see it is a decision either of you can make alone and you will need to talk it all through IMHO. Could you perhaps agree to a time frame during which time you try fertility treatment if you both wish to? I am not sure how good it will be for your relationship for either of you to force the other to go down a certain route.

Although we do have a birth child (for which I am eternally grateful) I was kind of in the same boat in that my DH and I have known for years we would have trouble conceiving a second child (we found out 7 years ago when DD was 2 that it would be 'impossible' to have another baby with my eggs - doctors opinion and it turns out the doctors were right and I could not even have another baby with donor eggs either!).

I had always wanted to adopt but got very stuck on the fertility not- so-merry-go-round!

My DH was ready for the adoption route at least two years before me. He kindly kept going with treatment because he knew I felt I needed it.

I am not for a moment suggesting you should undergo treatment you do not want to have for the sake of your partner (it does involved your body after all so of course it has to be by agreement) but I am just saying it will be hard to pursue adoption (IMHO) if you partner does not have his heart in it (yet) and it should be something you can both agree on.

I wanted to adopt but also wanted to have a second birth child. We tired a lot of expensive treatment and it all failed, plus I had a natural pregnancy that ended in early miscarriage.

I would suggest you need a little fertility based counselling to make sure you are really over the idea of having a biological baby.

We were a bit younger. We decided to go for TTC over adoption because we realised adoption would be jumping in the deep end of parenting, and we didn't have the confidence.
Like you, we conceived reasonably quickly but then had a MC. Afterwards it seemed like we would never conceive again.
We set ourselves a limit, in terms of time we would give it; and conceived again 2 months before that limit. It was actually quite a short limit (I think it was about 8 months from MC) that we gave ourselves. That was because we were rapidly realising the stress of TTC after MC, and TTC had only ever narrowly won over adoption in the first place, so the balance was shifting rather quickly.
After having DS, the decision to choose adoption over TTC for a second child was very easily made. (DS is now 3.5 and we have just been approved to adopt)

I hope this answers some of your questions, as to how others made their decisions. What I would say in addition is, you CAN still TTC and at the same time read up as much as you can on adoption. So that when you make your choice, you know as best as you can what the two options are - you know what TTC means to you, from experience; and you'd 'know' what adoption would mean, from researching and reading. Make sure you research the realities of parenting adopted children, not just how the process works.

And one last point: If you choose adoption now, you need to be aware of, and ok with, the possibility that TTC in the future may NOT be an option, as your adopted child's or children's needs may make it impossible. So you and your other half would both have to come to terms and be ok with the fact that you may well never have children by birth. On the other hand, if you continue with the option of TTC now, chances are you may yet adopt later on.

Good luck with your decision making, and with whatever route you choose to take!

Bellavinci I also think you need to think why it is so important to you now to have the family within the next few years having been in a relationship for quite a long time. I am not asking to be nosy, and you do not need to say here, I just think you need to understand your own motivation because your social worker will want to understand what makes you tick.

In terms of time frame you will need to factor in 6 months of non-fertility treatment before you start the process for adoption (check with your local authority how long it needs to be, six months seems to be pretty standard, IMHO). Then you will need to be assessed which could take 6 months (or 6-12 months) and then matching which could take a day or a year, but to be honest if you are willing to consider a sibling group aged 3-10 I expect you would not wait long.

I think you also need to consider having experience of looking after children, outside the family (not nieces and nephews) and your DH will need that too, I am not sure but IMHO most likely you will both need to show experience of working with kids in some capacity,voluntary - toddler group, school group, Cubs or Brownies etc).

I do recommend counselling, for both of you. To come to terms with not having a biological child. Your fertility clinic should offer it and it may be free. We had three free sessions and I also got some free from my GP surgery too!

The reason it is important to be sure you are comfortable with your decision not to pursue a biological child is not just for you or your DH or you as a couple but to ensure when you open your heart and home to your 3 and 10 year old, or 4 and 7 year old, or baby or whoever you adopt, that you will be able to be fully embrace your new parenthood and not have regrets about not having more treatment (IMHO)!

It it is possible that the counselling and the experience with kids can happen while you are still having fertility treatment or in your 6 months gap after treatment. Then within a year of the start of the process you may well have a family! I know people who it happened very quickly for. For us it took a bit longer, 20 months plus the 6 months wait at the beginning but I think that was because we have a birth child and we started before the time frame moved from 12 months to 6 months for approval. So I am not sure that counts as a 'few years'.

Good luck.