I lost my cool

[LastingLight]

DD (almost 12) has court ordered contact with bio grandparents. They are really not nice people, especially the granny who is an evil and vindictive woman. DD has come home from them with attitudes we didn't like before, racism and sexism - boys are stupid, women bring more to a relationship than men, a wife must keep her husband under her thumb. Granny has no respect for her husband and treats him like dirt. Yesterday DD was on the phone to granny and I heard her say that men are so immature etc. etc. I reacted immediately and told her that daddy is not immature and neither are all other men and we don't talk about people that way. When the call ended (apparently granny said she will rather talk to her in private) DD told me in no uncertain terms that I was rude and that they were just joking around. I apologised for interrupting her phone call but reiterated that if you constantly joke around about something that is disrespectful to a certain group of people then you need to examine your beliefs about this issue.

No question, I just needed to vent about that. There is no other person in my life who gets under my skin like this woman does.

LastingLight it must be so very frustrating. Maybe try a different track. In stead of stepping in when the call is in progress, prep your dd with some inclusive thoughts and on-sexists ways and so when granny spouts cappola your dd can step in and point out where granny is wrong! If you are effectively correcting her and granny simultaneously she is almost bound to side with granny to 'save' face'. Please ignore me!

Thanks ItalianGreyhound. Unfortunately at this stage granny can do no wrong in dd's eyes. Nothing is ever granny's fault and granny is never wrong... well with one memorable exception when granny criticised the way dd and I dress. Dd didn't like that. We can only hope that as she gets older her eyes will open to the reality and that she won't be hurt to badly in the process.

Vent away! Granny sounds like a real charmer...it must be so difficult for you to see DD putting such a deeply unpleasant person on a pedestal.

Interesting that DD defended the phone conversation with Granny by saying that they were just 'joking around'. DD must realise on some level that such views are distasteful, to say the least, but she is, for now, it would seem, willing to overlook this in order to have solidarity with Granny.

Sounds like, as you have indicated, criticism by you of Granny will only push DD closer to Granny. All you can really do at this point probably is to talk about how Granny's prejudices and small-mindedness bothers you, DH, and others and how hurtful it is to you/him/others, ie work on helping her to see how hurtful prejudice can be and to imagine how others feel, rather than attacking dear ol' Granny directly. Then maybe DD will slowly draw her own conclusions about Granny. Maybe DD worries Granny won't love her anymore if she doesn't share her beliefs (although probably not a conscious thought).

I feel your pain!

Thanks redfishbluefish. Yes the best thing to do is just to keep teaching our values and hope that is what DD embraces as she grows up.