How to 'handle' relationship with foster carer (to child) after placement? And of birth family?

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi guys any experienced adopters or people who have read up on the subject like to advise me on How to 'handle' relationship with foster carers and birth family (to child) after placement?

The relevant info for me is that little one has been in foster care a good while and has a good relationship with foster cares. They are very nice people and we have met and we all want what is best for little one, which I feel is to see the foster carers again and to just see how it goes.

They are a nice family and I want the transition to be as easy as possible. I am fortunate that they have been very nice and accommodating and so I do not have any negative feelings towards them and I recognise this will not be the case for all adopters or all situations.

I also need to know how to 'handle' birth family relationship.

My questions are really once little one is here...

How much do we encourage him to talk about foster family?

How do we help him to keep the foster carers in his mind? Or do we let them slip from his mind?

What if he wants a photo up of them? Or not? What is best for him? (My feeling is that hanging photos up will be more of an issues because one day he may not want them hung up and then it more of an issues taking them down, but if they are just in the room he can look when he likes ?????)

Do we ever talk about birth family or ask questions of lo or do we wait for him to bring it up?

My feeling is I do not want him to forget foster family but would like them to become to him like a relative we see occasionally or speak about occasionally. He is still so young he may forget them (I think) and I am not sure if this would be good for him.

Apparently he rarely mentions birth family and we have not even seen a photo of them. So again we are just not sure what to say or do.

We can get advice from our social worker and the support when the time is right but I wanted to get your wise wisdom, please.

Of course all I do will be to be best for him, and DD, and not for the adults in the equation!

Thank you.

Italian

I can't really comment about Birth family as DD went straight into FC, although we do of course mention them. As DD is nearly 3 (been home for 2 years). we talk about the fact the she grew in someone else's tummy, that that lady couldn't look after her, keep her safe etc. We haven't yet shown photos.

FC - much easier, they're lovely and not too far away. We meet up twice a year, talk about them when appropriate, eg if DD is playing with a toy, I may say, that was the toy that (FC names) bought you, or when you lived with....

We have photos of them in an easy to access shelf, and DD likes to look at those fairly frequently. I view them as our extended family.

Your DS will be older so he may take the lead in discussion - about FC especially.

Thanks Rhinos that is how I felt, extended family and actually actively keeping the memory alive.

My friend is a FC, so I have seen this from her view point.

The most successful one she had was a little girl who was with her for 18 months. After she moved to her adoptive family, they did the transfer process in reverse, so lots of photos of Foster family around, chatted about them quite normally.

They met quite early on (6 weeks, I think), in a neutral coffee shop), and my friend was delighted to see that the child ran to ger, gave her a hug, was delighted to chat etc, and then went straight back to sit on her Mum's lap.

Years later, the meet probably every 4 months or so, either at a park, or at the child's house. They swap photos etc, and my friend is a sort of Auntie figure.

Aitting that sounds perfect! Really that is what I want for our new ds. Not to lose any more people but to have a great relationship with a great family but be part of ours.

It works for them, and the child, because they were all very open about how they were going to approach it.

It has to be led by the adoptive parents, but my friend said she knew it was going to be fine when the parents texted a photo of the child fast asleep on the first evening!

She is careful to let them lead the contact, but they were keen, and it is just heartwarming. She's so attached to her family, but always very pleased to see her old FC. I don't think she remembers living with them, but my friend says, apparently, she never seemed to grieve for them.

(Friend has cared for others, which were much much harder for lots of reasons )

Both my DCs were with their foster carers from birth until 10 months old and I always felt it was very important to maintain a relationship.

My DS sees his foster carer once or twice a year ( it was more often than that before he started school but we are now restricted to school holidays) He loves seeing her and talks about her often. He really grieved for her after placement and he needs to know that she still loves him.

DD's foster carer has become a good friend of mine and maintains a very close relationship with us. We meet up in the school holidays and the odd day at the weekend. She has become a bit like a favourite auntie and has even baby sat for us. DD adores her and has as a really special relationship with her.

Neither foster carer demanded a relationship and asked only for an annual photo. We all got on so well though that it was easy to stay in touch and meet up regularly. They were also a great source of support and guidance in the early days.

We talk openly about birth family on DS's side but we have very little to talk about on DD's side.

Hi Italian, I always always wonder the same. As we've been more or less advised by SW not to do this, but I have anyway!

We've had two Skype conversations (they live far away) in the 6 months since he's been home, he has wrote letters & has drawn them pictures. He knows we talk occasionally & we very openly talk about them, their time together, toys etc.

The first Skype call we had was a few month in, prior was letters only, especially the 1st night home he grieved a lot so we all sat down & drew them pictures.

I am not sure where to take it from here to be honest, he talks about them quite often (less so than the earlier days) & doesn't ask to actually speak. It's a tough call I am not sure what to do to be honest! I will definitely keep up the letterbox contact, re calls I am not sure?? We talk about birth family too as we are related (different situations I realise).

Sorry if that is no help at all I just thought I'd share my experiences so far, & any advice my way would be much appreciated!

Hi - newbie here!!
I haven't got any answers for you but Just thought I would share my experience. We are going to matching panel in June and have met with the foster carers and are having weekly contact to discuss little ones progress (she will be 2.5 when she arrives with us) and they have openly said that they will not want any on going contact when she leaves them. They are experienced FC's and only have on going contact with one of the 20 lo's that they have fostered.

It wasn't what I expected to hear but they have said this is how they cope.

Weekly phone contact that is - sorry wasn't clear!!

Sitting not Aitting!!!

Italian It's so good to see this is happening for you. You are such a lovely person you will deal with this sensitively and appropriately.

Isabeller thank you, what a kind thing to say. I could be wrong but I do feel it will be different for other people. Maybe some may feel less comfortable with ongoing contact with foster carers for all kinds of reasons. I know a couple of foster carers so hear their side too, which I am always very happy to hear.

Angel, Buster, Charlestons thank you so much.

I know that for us adopters it is always about trying to work out what is best for our child(ren), however the thoughts and wishes of the foster carers must also be respected.

There is a general assumption on forums that foster carers will always do what WE think is the best for the child. That is not always the case. Our FCs struggled to let go and wanted to sever contact and move on. It is sad (and may have lasting consequences) but it is what they wanted to do. We can force the issue.

So my point is that we shouldn't always make assumptions that foster carers will be prepared to do what the research indicates is best for an adopted child.

We CAN'T force the issue.

Very true odyssey2001.

I have to agree with that...we had a similar situation. Fc didn't take to us very well and want forthcoming at all. To the point that we were given a massive hold all of clothes and I had no idea which dd they were for as they are so close in age!

Our sw advised us to meet up after a few months and we did that as we felt would be best for our dd's but she barely came near them....although rest of the family did. She was more attached to one than the other and this really showed.

However I would say if you can keep in touch it would be very useful....in the early days I'd have loved someone to phone or email that could help or just knew them!

With regards to birth family we have hardly mentioned yet as both moved out of birth home very young and no recollection at all. So we have done the not born in my tummy conversation and they know that they are adopted but not what it means....we tend to just use the language until they're old enough to ask why. I think you have to take the childs lead a bit....which can change a lot!

Sure you will handle it fine though!

Thank you Ladyofthehouse we are very lucky that our new son had wonderful brilliant foster cares and they have already made it clear they would like to stay in touch so we will just see how it all pans out.

We will respect the carers and their needs and of course see how new son manages it all but signs are good for us and we know we are very lucky and do not take this lightly! I have heard some not very good stories from foster cares and adopters so it is not always an easy transition.

After a very long time trying to extend my family I am just so pleased that this bit seems to be set to go well!

From foster parent of 38 and still, also adoptive parent of 8 children.
We leave all too new family regards contact , they are best placed too know of their child's needs, some have been in contact for many years,
contact or none we are always here for advice or help. We always miss every child dearly. You cant really imagine how much. and there have been many over the years.
Noted on the TV comment's post lots referred too age of FC's ., we find this an advantage too both BM's and adoptive parents alike, most feel more at ease with mature people. as apposed too a 25 year old looking after a 35 year old BM's or an adoptive mums child.

Regards Granny McPhee

fasparent lovely, thanks.