I haven't adopted, but I have been told to re-post this here as the issues overlap with those of adopted children.
I have parental custody of my nephew, he hasn’t seen his mum or dad in 2 years, we have photos of his mum we look at and he knows he can ask questions, I always try to answer them as truthfully as I can.
Yesterday, I asked him what his children will be called when he grows up, he replied “I won’t have children; I don’t want to forget them like mummy forgot about me.”
I don't know how to respond to things like this i just hugged him held back the tears and changed the subject.
In the past he has asked "does mummy love me?", and "why doesn't mummy love me?" and I've reassured him that his mum does love him, but some people feel they can't cope and they think that their children will have a better life in someone else’s care.
I realise I will get this more frequently so I really need advice on what to say and do.
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How do I deal with / answer Heartbreaking questions?
PirateJones · 30/04/2014 09:02
Had a lot of very difficult questions over the years, as i suspect nearly all of us adoptive parents and guardians have had, and you have all my sympathies, it's very hard 
From the sounds of things, I think you're already handling it very well
I think when talking about the past and birth parents, it's important to be honest, whilst also recognising that young children need to feel wanted and loved. So the answer to "Does my birth mum love me?" would usually be either "yes, she loves you very much, but she can't look after you because xyz" OR maybe if appropriate, "I don't know for sure, but I think she did. You were a wonderful, lovable baby "
Honesty, not demonising birth parents, although recognising when appropriate that people can make bad choices/decisions and not lying if the background is very difficult, and emphasising to children that they are lovable and wanted very much, is what we should try to do. And have an open door policy and let our children know that birth parents are an open topic of conversation and they can ask you anything at any time and you will always do your best to answer.
I think you are right in trying to get across to your DN that he isn't alone and this is also something which happens to other children. My older children have really liked meeting other adoptees who were in care, because unlike at school, they aren't 'different', but they fit in with these other children and share some of their experiences.
If we do that, I don't think there is much more we can do. If a child is asking a lot of questions over time and is sad and unsettled, that doesn't mean we are handling it badly. Some children ask a lot more questions than others, and some children find it much more difficult to 'come to terms' (not sure what the right word is) with their background, and to believe in their own self worth and lovability, than other children do. It isn't a reflection on the guardians/carers/adoptive parents ability to handle questionning, it may well be the childs natural personality and way of thinking. We all hope our children will have good self esteem etc, but we have to accept that we can't make it all better and we usually have no magic words to help a hurting child feel much better.
Also, most children have certain periods in their childhood where they think about their past more than at other times. So you may get months with a lot of questionning then very little for another couple of years then suddenly a renewed desire to know more and question more for months etc. That's very normal.
It's very hard to watch your child struggling to process their past and life story, and to try and help them but realising that this is something so big you can't solve it for them.
As I said, you seem to be handling it very well, telling him that his mother loved him but couldn't look after him etc, and it's absolutely not your fault if your DN is struggling to process his past.
I have a 28 year old, over the years we have talked a lot about the past, and she has had therapy relating to it, but she still struggles with it at times, understandably. It comes up throughout her life and significant moments in it cause her to revisit her early years - eg. having children of her own. And for many children who are not raised by their birth parents, processing and dealing with their background can be a lifelong process, as big events like having children often make you go back over it. Some people are naturally very resilient and robust and don't think about their past a lot at all. But again, that's a natural character trait, good parenting won't create that way of thinking in a child who doesn't naturally have it. And you know, my adult child has a great life and much happiness in it, even with her struggles
The big thing is - however your DN thinks about your past and however he processes it in his life, by handling your conversations well, by being honest, empathetic and having an 'open door' conversation policy, we can have a major impact, because our children/relatives can trust us with their feelings, they can know that we will be there for them when they are struggling, they will come to us if they want to talk (assuming they want to talk about it). Your DN trust you with these big and distressing feelings of his, and that's because of you creating an environment in which he feels safe to express this to you. So recognise that that is a big achievment for us carers and parents, even though we can't solve this for our children, we can still really make a difference just by being there for them. You're already making that big difference 
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