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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Can I adopt before having our own baby?

9 replies

mogsandrovers · 19/04/2014 18:08

i would like to hear experiences of applying for adoption

i am 31, a RGN nurse, and I would LOVE to adopt a child - even a sibling group or harder to rehome children.

Do we really need to start our own family first?

I had enquired to Edinburgh council a year ago about fostering, but they said my DH and i had to "explore our fertility" first before we could be considered. my understanding is that if we had our ow pregnancy, then this would be too stressful for a foster child.
now we live in England.

I think this is bollocks - surely we would be better helping the 15000 kids and counting in need than just having our own?

any thoughts?

ALSO, we have a german shepherd dog - would this affect our chances?

thanks for reading

OP posts:
Buster51 · 19/04/2014 18:59

We have adopted a 4yo boy & we are yet to have birth children, our circumstances were that DS was already apart of our family though.

MyFeetAreCold · 19/04/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka · 19/04/2014 19:53

German Shepherd is fine, it will be assessed as part of the process, as long as you've always given your dog everything it needs and it's well trained, there isn't an issue. They need a reassurance, as MyFeet said, that if the worst happened and your child and your dog couldn't live together anymore, that you rehome the dog, not send the child back into care (especially in the very early days when you're all strangers, and you may be feeling very stressed and overwhelmed anyway)

Some people have bitth children after adoptive children, but it's often unplanned in my experience, rather than they set out to do it that way

Social services, as MyFeet said, will want you to have explored the issue of birth children fully and by and large, have had yours before adopting.

Myself, if birth children are absolutely in the plan for you, then I would always recommend having them first and adopting later as well, for two main reasons:

The first is that mostly the desire to have a birth child is a very strong biological need, and emotionally, the impact of infertility can be devastating. Whereas the desire to adopt isn't like that, although of course it may be something you very much want to do and would be upset if you couldn't do it. What if you adopted, then for some reason, be it biological, financial, the needs of your adopted child, etc, you found yourself unable to have the birth child you so desperately want? Would you regret? You would grieve your loss, and how would your grief impact on your adopted children?

The second and related reason is that, it is more likely that an adopted child will have additional or special needs, emotional or behavioural issues, which may result in you deciding that it's not right for your child to have a sibling. Not all children have these issues of course, but it is more likely for sure. They are more likely to struggle with you bringing a new baby into the family (possible fears and strong emotions - Am I not good enough for them? Are they replacing me with a child who is really theirs, they must think I'm not enough of their child, they'll love this baby more than me etc etc)

You would like both adopted and birth children, which is fine, and lots of people do have both, but if push comes to shove and it's truly either or...if someone told you now that you could only ever take one route and not the other...would being able to carry your baby with your genes and parent from newborn etc...be the one you would choose? Are you prepared to give that experience up forever? Because if you are at all uncomfortable with or saddened by that idea, then IMO absolutely birth children first, adopted children later. It won't be as big a loss that way if you find yourself in a position where you can't have more than one child, which is more likely to happen if you adopt first anyway

Because the decision to have a child is not about primarily helping children in care, it's about you and your desires and needs.

Lilka · 19/04/2014 19:57

However If the situation is that you do not want birth children at all, never have done, no desire whatsoever, then that's fine! There ARE quite a lot of couples who adopt in this situation Smile Social services will want you to have thought it through very carefully, and have come to terms/be completely comfortable with only having adoptive children, but it isn't a barrier at all

The issue is, if you want both birth and adopted children, the order in which you do it, that's where you'll find social services have a very clear idea which you should do first and which second

mogsandrovers · 19/04/2014 20:15

Thanks for all your honest answers so far...

OP posts:
64x32x24 · 20/04/2014 00:08

We were in a similar situation some 5 years ago. We really wanted to have a family with children in it, and we didn't see having birth children as the 'preferable' way to get there. Just one way among several.

In the end we started trying to conceive, rather than applying to adopt. It wasn't that we wanted birth children in the mix and hence realised that we should have any birth children we wanted to have first. We would have been fine with exclusively adoptive children. Our reason was a different one: We weren't quite confident enough. Like you, we would have wanted to go into the process with minds wide open in regards to 'hard to place' children. But we realised that we really didn't have any parenting experience. Further, we had only been in this country for a few years and so if we were to adopt, say, a 7yo, the child would have years more experience of how things work in this country; for instance, neither of us went to school here and we would really have struggled to guide and support a child through school when we knew nothing about it (but the child may have been at school for several years already and accordingly have plenty of first hand experience).
Parenting an adopted child is frequently more challenging than parenting a birth child, and the approval process is not exactly as straightforward as TTC either (at least until you discover fertility issues).
So in the end we decided not to 'jump in at the deep end' but instead to start TTC and see where it would take us.
Now 5 years later we have DS who is 3.5 and will hopefully be adopting in the near future (only a few weeks to go to approval panel).
From when DS was born, our NCT friends started talking about having a second, but for us that was never the plan; or rather, we always did want to have another child, but not by birth. At first we thought we'd wait until DS was 8 or so and than hope to adopt a 5yo or so, but our desire to have more children proved to be stronger than our patience.

We have had to confirm that we are actively preventing a pregnancy in order to be accepted into assessment. Apart from that, our (hypothetical - you never know until you try) problem-free fertility was never an issue.
We wouldn't have wanted to take drastic steps such as having the snip yet though. We ARE committed to adopting, but until we are approved; or maybe until there is a child placed with us; we can't be sure it will happen. And if it turns out in the end that for whatever reason, we can't adopt; then we would TTC again.
If we do adopt, and feel a strong desire for a third child at some point, and having another child would be feasible given the family circumstances (including all existing children's needs) - I imagine we would again choose to adopt, over trying to conceive.

Italiangreyhound · 20/04/2014 00:39

mogsandrovers just wanted to echo all the lovely lilka says. Fertility is a very powerful 'issue' finding out if you can have birth children is very important if that is very important to you (both or either one of you). as you well know fertility declines with age. You are (to an aged crone like me) wonderfully young, but by the time you have been through the approve stage and then matched and then adopted you will be older and by the time your new little one is settled enough for you to consider a birth child (if they ever were, they may well be but no one at all will be able to tell you that from the start) then you will be a lot closer to the age at which fertility begins to decline. How will you feel if you do adopt and then find you cannot have a birth child without fertility treatment? Just things to consider.

Helping children is great but the biggest thing is wanting to parent and a desire to have a birth child, perhaps popping up half way through the adoption process (the desire not the child!) could be quite difficult for you to cope with.

You may like to watch some of the Love is not Enough series, one lovely couples adopted three children and the woman said she did not need to have a biological child. But a way down the line she was trying to have a baby by fertility treatment. I spent years trying to have a second baby before going into the adoption process even though I knew I one day wanted to adopt! The desire for a biological child can be very strong! I am now fully committed to having our own child through adoption. I am very excited and totally ready for it but it was a journey and it took me almost 9 years.

Wishing you all the very best luck. You may well make brilliant adopters and I would not want to put anyone off, it's just necessary to think through the whole fertility area. (Please do not take offence but 'rehome' is a term usually used for pets not for children.)

Italiangreyhound · 20/04/2014 01:15

Love is not Enough : The Journey to Adoption and Life after Adoption

Love is not Enough is a series of programmes made by the BBC following the adoption process i in the UK. We follow 4 families from the initial interview stage through to the placement and beyond.

vimeo.com/album/2529993

It is very old series but the final (I think penultimate one) deals with the couple who adopted three children again. I am not for a second suggesting your situation is like their situation, or that their situation was bad etc. Just that she was sure at the start that a biological baby did not matter and later she was having IVF and contemplating donor eggs. I had IVF and donor eggs and I know it is a long and expensive journey and so just good to be sure where you stand before going into adoption.

All very best wishes for the process.

KumquatMay · 22/04/2014 21:27

Hi

Thanks for asking this question - this is something I've thought about alot too as I am in a similar position. My DH and I are both 30 and I have always been pretty convinced that adopting first is what is best for our family.Although I have very occasional nice thoughts about having bio children, I genuinely believe I'd be more devastated not to be able to adopt than not have biological children. Currently my DH and I are discussing the timing of when we might apply for adoption, hopefully in the next year or so, and really thinking hard about the fact that, if we adopt first, we must be fully committed to making decisions that are best for our adopted children, which may not include bio. children. But it's a difficult journey and a difficult decision to make. Good luck!

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