More, more & more

[Buster51]

Stuff! I don't really know how to write this post, & I already think I know the answer, but it's really just to try & understand it more / ensure we can "help"/"support" DS in the correct way.

The more you give DS, be it toys, attention, fun & games, love - the more he wants. Admittedly we have probably given him too much for birthdays & Christmas since his placement. Also I used to give him ALOT of attention, as in my whole day was filled with what to do for him. This has settled down now the longer he has been with us & he can play lovely on his own.

I suppose what I'm wondering is this "usual" 4 year old / child like behavior - never "satisfied". Or could this be linked to what he's been through / both??

He also becomes very very attached to well anything, especially toys. Always "things". I almost see glimpses of "hoarding" behavior. In our family we have often taken things to charity shops whether it be clothes or items & this is something that you can see terrifies him! DH approached the subject after his recent birthday about perhaps older toys been taken to the charity shop - I could see he was so very anxious. We both obviously felt very bad about this after! & have just reassured him his things are safe.

I know this is probably all linked to the loss he has already had in his life so far, as I even see glimpses of it with food / the apparent panic when there's only "one / two" grapes left etc, & occasionally, especially when we have say pic nic style food he will eat, & eat, & eat. Again were not sure if this is just usual child behavior??

I suppose I am just hoping for a few thoughts / ideas etc, he doesn't really open up to us much but does quite comfortably talk about previous FC when it suits. He has also had a few Skype calls with them since placement which I hope I am doing the right thing in allowing him to keep this contact??

Any advice etc is very much appreciated.

Thanks

Oh just while I'm posting a lot of you may remember you supported me greatly when DS was very rejecting the first few months of placement. DH has been on leave recently (in the forces), & he has been doing this towards him! Shunning his cuddles, being overly "mummy" looking towards DH for his reaction. Complete opposite!! Again I feel he most certainly has security issues with mine & DH relationship or we wouldn't always have "this battle of attention". And I realise it is time that will help him but if there is anything else we can do?

To be honest DH has mentioned he is almost feeling like a lodger in his home when he returns from leave, he doesn't open up much but I can see this is bothering him. As I am so consumed by LO & that we "don't rub our relationship in his face" kind of thing. But at the same time it's almost like DS wants to be DHs "equal"/friends almost. Even of DH is around he will always ask me or disregard what DH has said & ask me again if it is ok??

Aside from all of the above he is coming along slowly but surely, he is a wonderful little boy I just want to ensure I provide him with all of the support etc I can

I wonder with the shunning his cuddles, being overly "mummy" he might be very anxious and in survival mode almost, making sure he is attractive to one person so they will keep him safe.

Maybe it is not that he has issues with your relationship rather he is doing all in his power to make sure he is number one in your life.

I think you are doing really well and by the sounds of it he is more settled so keep on doing what you are doing and be patient!

I think a lot of new parents feel like you both at the start (for quite a while) as in the main carer feels consumed with the child and the other one feels excluded or like a lodger. It's early days good luck

I think a lot of what you say Buster is related to his past. Can I ask how old he was when he was removed from birthparent(s) - and was this behaviour apparent in the foster home I wonder.

Children who have been neglected/abused in their earliest weeks and months often have a sort of "bottomless pit" of need - need for attention and material things. The food is another thing - I have known children moved to FCs from BPs who "eat and eat and eat" because at home they never knew if there was going to be any more food, and many children are deprived of food by BPs. I have also heard from many adults (who were abused as children) that they would be given toys for Christmas or birthday and then after a few days the toys disappeared (presumably sold off...) Having said all that, my grandson at 4/5 years had a sort of obsession with his "things" - this is how he referred to them too "my things" - a bucket of soldiers and Thomas the Tank stuff and certain cars all had to be taken with him in the car and he would get really upset if anything was missing.

It's a shame that your DH is only at home when he has leave presumably because that is going to make bonding more difficult isn't it. How often is he home I wonder because young children don't always have the "recall" that is needed, and the child's sense of time is different from ours, and he has to adjust to his daddy being around and then going off again. I'm a bit worried about your DH feeling like a lodger. Maybe you are overdoing the thing about "not pushing your relationship with DH in the child's face......." It sounds as though your little boy hasn't been in placement that long, and so there is bound to be a period of adjustment all round, and over time, I'm sure things will settle.

I think it is easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of toys at this age. One thing that can work quite well is to limit the number of toys that are available at a time - perhaps have some large plastic boxes and divide the toys up into them and only have one or two boxes around at a time. If your little boy could see the toys going in the boxes and then going in another room / under the stairs / in the garage etc but knowing that they are still there for him and he will see them again next week, it might help him let go of them more easily. He's probably too young to cope with the idea of getting rid of old toys, especially if he has issues with anxiety and loss.
Could Daddy bring some special toys home with him, or perhaps there could be some toys that are only available when Daddy is there, to create a positive association? How about doing some fun activities with Daddy - messy play? building a den outdoors?

TOY's Toy's Toy's , very much a BIG part of early years life's for many looked after children , some visit contact centres four times a week as young as a few days old, every visit are surrounded by toy's, parents bring in present including from parents family's an friends etc.,
Some children will use toys as a self distraction others will think its father Christmas time every visit , will take time too normalise' will be toys, which are special too them , you would never know of. Then there is the child who has the natural ability of wanting too play not too be discouraged in this age' Children will break off for mum and dad time a cuddle and snuggle ., food and snacks . Do not worry too much