Family disapproving of you adopting

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Has anyone had problems with their family 'disapproving' of you adopting?

We have 2 bc, 4 and 6. We've been considering adoption for a year or so now. Not because we 'have' to but because we'd like to extend our family and adoption is something we'd like to do. We don't want a baby, we'd be looking for a harder-to-place child/ren. Maybe a sibling group, or a 4+ year old (By the time the time came, we're thinking ds2 would be 5/6 so wouldn't be an issue)

The problem i'm having is with my parents and sisters. They were completely aghast when we mentioned we were going to start the process off. My mum is convinced that I have some awful medical problem I won't tell her about as she just can not understand why we would adopt when we could just have another bc.

They are nice people. They have a fantastic relationship with my dc and would do anything for them. They would never intentionally treat another child differently, or leave them out. BUT my mum has openly said that she just can't imagine she could ever feel the same about an adopted grandchild. Which makes me concerned...what if we went the whole way, added another child (or 2) to our family, and they were then treated differently by our families to our existing dc? Is that really fair?

Has anyone else come up against this?

This isn't quite like your situation but will maybe give you hope. My uncle and family are rather racist. When my cousin and his wife wanted to adopt they requested a Caucasian baby but the one they got is a rather darker hue than they are. He is often mistaken for being of a different race. Despite this the whole family accepted him unconditionally and he is doted on by his grandparents.

I have two points really.

One is that you may find you have to wait rather longer than you think. Lots of agencies like a bigger age gap than two years, some prefer 3.

They are worried about you. Lots of people find the uncertaintlies that come with adoption very unsettling and they might need time to process it, also they (and you) don;t know what you're going to have to deal with. This is very differnt to a pregnancy where you pretty much know you're going to get one new born with a lowish statistical chance of FAS/FAE, attachment problems, sensory issues etc.

Just acknowledge their concern - "Yes I can understand you are worried about this but we're not rushing into it so no need to get too hung up about it yet"

If it helps my mother told me not to accept DS as he would be a cabbage and my life would be a car crash and she absolutely adores him!

Laughing here at the thought of Kew's gorgeous son as a 'cabbage'.

My family were pretty aghast. Actually, they were aghast at the thought of me having a birth child first of all - thought I wouldn't be able to cope and they would be left to pick up the pieces (Still don't understand this AT ALL - I am a woman of mature years in a senior job, I own my own house, I have a driving licence, I've never been to prison, they all thought I was ok to babysit THEIR kids!)

Anyway, I finally have a baby and prove that I can actually be trusted to keep it alive, and on we go to adoption. They all got very concerned about this because you don't know what you're getting etc. My grandfather even flew in from the US to give me a stern lecture about genetics (you can take the man out of 1930s Berlin...). Then dd arrives and my mum says: "Well, I didn't expect her to be so CUTE" and they have adored each other ever since.

They've heard all the horror stories (some of which are true) and they're scared for you. Your task is to tread a fine line between assuring them that you know what you're doing and that adoption isn't one long horror story, and not giving them false reassurance. And then you have to train them up to behave acceptably; make sure they know that, whatever their views on your actions, you expect them to treat the children equally etc.

And if they don't? Then you have to be prepared to put the child first, rather than appeasing them. Generally families do come round, so you're unlikely to need to do that. But bottom line is that you have to be prepared to if it becomes necessary.

I'd just like to make one point - that you might want them to treat them slightly differently to your birth children.

We have two (adopted) daughters and my in laws have never bothered to acknowledge that that means they have some issues and some situations that they don't react well in. And so we also act slightly differently as parents to say my brother in law and their birth children.

For example although when our daughters were placed with us they were already nearly 3 and nearly 2, MIL thought that she could just 'pop in' once every 6 weeks and they would adore her as do her other grandchildren who have known her since birth. They also expect us to drop everything and just go away for the weekend/disrupt their naps/leave them for the weekend when the eldest massively struggles with any change at all.....but 'she'll have to get used to it'!!

I think maybe they're just very worried - adopted children do get a very bad press! We bought both sets of grandparents the BAAF book How to be an adopted grandparent and I know my parents found it really useful.

But completely agree with Devora - be prepared to put the children first....you need a very tough skin - I've had lots of unsupportive comments made about me as a mum because I put my daughters first.

Good luck!!

Watching this thread with interest. We're about two years away from starting the process - similar situation to you OP although partly I also want to avoid having another pregnancy because I got PND and would hate to risk putting my DP and DS through that.

I've heard both grandmothers talk about the importance of blood I.e. Blood relatives are different to those who marry in and I worry that they'd think less of our adopted child/ren.

I'm not an adopter so apologies if I'm speaking out of turn here.

But IMO it's far better that people are realistic about the prospects of adoption and their possible feelings e.g. if you bring a four/five year old troubled child with severe behavioural problems into the family they may feel that they would find that harder to adjust to than a baby who then goes on to develop said behavioural problems after a relationship/bond has already been established iyswim, than them seeing adoption as some kind of romanticised ideal which generally, it isn't - not initially anyway.

Realistically it's impossible to know how family genuinely will react until such times as the adoption process is going through, but ultimately the decision to adopt is yours, the need to adapt is theirs. iyswim.

Been lurking in adoption for ages (this is 1st post here) but your circumstances seen similar to ours OP. We have two BC currently nearly 7 & 6. I have had a hysterectomy at 38 due to endometriosis & vowel adhesions so a further BC won't happen. We want to wait another 12-18 months before starting the process but aiming to adopt 4/5yr old when ds2 is 7/8. My father thinks it's too much for us to take on a child whose "damaged" and FIL thinks we are mad. Close friends think it's wrong for DC but we have lightly discussed the idea of adding to the family with a younger child who doesn't have a family & they are keen for a sister.

I work in CP so don't have rose tinted glasses but it worries me that family are so negative

I think sometimes family struggle to make the imaginative leap between their abstract idea of adopted children (not helped by media), and the real little person joining their family. Generally, the more you can gradually drip-feed information and show your own attitudes and thorough preparation, the calmer your extended family might feel. You mentioned your mum said she couldn't "imagine" feeling the same about an AC - I haven't personally experienced this, but have heard lots of friends worry they couldn't imagine loving a second child as much as their first. And then they had the second child, and they of course loved them just as much, there was just more love to go round. From the sound of your post OP, your example will lead your family, and in the very unlikely event the AC is treated differently, the very point that you're worrying about it now shows you would be able to address it and talk about it.

Some relatives or friends will always choose to believe their own version of things though. Devora I cannot match your uncle jetting in to scare the bedoodads out of you with his chemistry set , but I do have a charming aunt who visited from another continent recently and as she sipped her tea, pursed her lips and said "Well, I suppose you're not exactly stealing a baby, are you? So that makes it a little less selfish..." Mmmhmm. More tea? A little arsenic with that?

Fortunately (very fortunately for me) otherwise the family have generally just got sensible questions, loads of them. I foresee some "full and frank discussions" about why I might parent differently to them in some situations, but so far they are keeping an open mind. Long may that continue!

We haven't been able to have as many birth children as we would have liked and would love to be in a position to help children without a home. When I mentioned to MIL we were considering adoption she was not happy. This woman is a Christian which somehow makes me more mad at her reaction. I don't know if it would ever happen as DH and I aren't ready atm or in full agreement. I would be happy to foster, maybe adopt (bit scared I wouldn't be good enough) whereas he would only want to adopt as would get too attached to a foster child and not want them to leave.

It is probably all academic anyway as I doubt I wouldn't be approved having been in care myself and suffered from PND in the past.

I had a range of comments / concerns from family:

-what happens when they are 18 and go back to their "real mum"

• what if they are so "damaged" they make life awful for existing birth DS

• what if their "real mum" wants to see them all the time?

• why should you help clear up other people's mess?

Etc etc... (Again, my family are honestly lovely people - they were just pushed from their comfort zone by us doing something they knew nothing about)

We could reassure them about lots of their concerns, or point out how silly they were (eg DS could emigrate to Oz at 18 and they'd hardly ever see him). Very soon after DD arrived they fell completely in love with her.

I'd say keep the communication channels open. Lots of people have real (natural and understandable) fears they will not love an adopted child like birth children/grandchildren. It is better to honestly talk about that than ignore it. As you progress through the preparation you'll hopefully get to know some families who have already adopted in your local area and they may well be able to introduce your parents/PIL to their extended families - a kind of adoptive-GPs support group - where they can get a new perspective.

My dad was not happy when he heard I was adopting either time but he adores both his grandkids. I think it was much more to do with fear I was 'ruining' my life. As others have said, lots of people have heard horror stories about adoption - the press don't print stories of the thousands of successful adoptions and happy families out there!

Good luck.

Hi my situation is different in that I haven't adopted dsd but she came to live with us. my parents and grandparent's were apprehensive about the situation BUT after seeing us as a family, having us round for Christmas and getting to know her and basically seeing how me and her interact, they have accepted her as part of the family and treat as if she is mine. my parents don't quite treat her as a grand child, but as close as given they are still getting to know her. My nan even sent over an easter egg for her :)
They aren't the same with the other 2 dsds but they don't live with us so maybe that is why.
I hope your family, like mine, warm when they meet the child :)

Both sets of grandparents were worried about the arrival of an adopted grandchild. I can safely say that 10 months in, he is treated a as all the other grandchildren, totally integrated and no different at all.
It's a very worrying for you and for your parents and family but ultimately, it's your choice and IME, it's worked out fine so far.

I thought ds was accepted into our family until we last went down to see them and my parents had a home made picture of a tree with photos on the branches of all the great gc (all in ds age group) and he wasn't on it at all. I didn't see it in time to move it and he said "why aren't I on here?" My dm said "oh, I never thought to put him on!"

That's awful Merry - did your DM realise how upsetting it was?

I don't think she did realise. How, I don't know! He has been with us for 4years ffs!

I briskly took over by saying "oh we will have to find a nice photo to send Granny so you can be up there with your cousins!" and then quickly removed him from the photos and went outside fuming.

How long ago was this? Because if it was relatively recent I think you should tackle her about it - its the kind of thing which festers and if she didn't realise how hurtful it was for you and him then I think she needs to know.

It was earlier this year kewcumber my plan was to say something before our next visit. She is elderly (84yrs) but not in anyway suffering from a bad memory or anything. I think she is thoughtless about things as she has been over the years but not a bad person iyswim.

Yikes, Merry, that's worse than MiL's comment about having an "imported" GD...

@ MiL families was it said as a joke?

Not a joke as such, but not (I'm pretty certain) said with malice just thoughtlessness