Does my f*cked up childhood rule out the chances of adoption?

[Neonbabyblue]

Sorry this is long but don't want to drip-feed.

I am 28 and DP is 32, we have a 2 year old daughter.

Ever since I was younger I have strongly felt that I would like to adopt a child. I feel that so many children need a stable, loving start in life and I could provide that.

Here's the difficult part-

I grew up in an abusive home. Violence and emotional abuse were the norm. We lived in an unstable environment in constant fear. As a teenager I was sexually abused for 2 years and things really went downhill afterwards.

I had terrible mental health issues after the things that happened (various antidepressants, psych intervention, self harm etc) I simply couldn't cope with what had happened to me and the lack of familial support compounded that. I was 15 and alone and instead of spending time at home, became involved in a lot of risky behaviours- heavy drinking, staying with older men, recreational drug use etc.

It took until I was about 20 years old for me to catch on to the fact that if I didn't do something about my life I would probably end up in a ditch somewhere so I worked hard, managed to get into university and moved far away from my family.

Now I have a happy home, a professional career and becoming a mum really made me feel like I had found my purpose in life! Now the hard part is that despite all the therapy I've had (I pay for weekly therapy so address my childhood issues), I don't feel like I could physically carry and give birth to a baby again. That probably sounds ridiculous but I can't cope with the idea of strangers touching me and that feeling like my body isn't my own.

I'd love to adopt but when I look at it all written down I think- "who the hell would trust you with an adopted child?!"

I can see that my early years make things look like a car crash but I think I am proof that things can be turned around with the right support and hard work. Would social services take one look at my history and say no?!

Thanks if you managed to read all that- and thankyou also if you can offer any advice.

I think your childhood trauma would mean you could be very empathetic to another traumatised child.

Do you think that it might raise triggers for you though? Could you parent a child who had been through similar issues? I know I had to discuss triggers with my sw of a very distressing situation to make sure I could cope with similar disclosures from a child.

Are you ok with hugs and cuddles? I'm sure you are because you already have a daughter.

All you can do is ask. Phone up some agencies and see what they say. I did that, described my own situation and the agency that didn't flinch was the one I went with.

You'd perhaps be surprised Neon. The focus is often very much not about what has happened to you but how you've dealt with it, what it has taught you - about yourself and about your responses to things.

Having had a traumatised chidhood they might actually think you'd be a good choice because you could empathise - as long as you haven't blocked it all out and are totally in denial about it, you have valuable inside knowledge of how that little hurt child might feel about things.

If that is what's stopping you then I'd say you perhaps don't need to let that be the deciding factor in whether you look into it.

Hi and welcome Neon

Some adoptive parents have been through very tough things including sexual abuse, neglect, physical abuse and mental health issues, so these things don't necessarily rule you out.

On the positive side, you have had therapy (which is seen as a god thing) and built a great life for yourself now. And definitely your experiences could give you a lot of insight and empathy for a childs situation and background, which is also a real positive

But it does depend on the agency. Psychiatric issues other than mild-moderate depression and anxiety can make some agencies very wary. I think when you are ready to adopt, there's nothing to do except ring around and chat to all the agencies you could possibly go with, and go with the one who are most positive about you. There are definitely agencies out there who will approve people who have had these issues, however, I do think that there may be some agencies which will turn you down

Because there needs to be at least 2 years age gap between your youngest child and a new adopted child, your daughter would need to be probably 4 years old before most agencies will take you on, so you have another 2 ish years to go before you would be ready to start the process. The more time between your drug use/self harm etc, and starting adoption, the better social services will look on it

Neonbabyblue I am so sorry for your terrible experiences and so pleased for you that you changed things and turned them around. Congratulations on your lovely daughter and making such a change in your life.

I think others have said it better than me, just push the door, your dd will need to be older, and all the best, and I expect if you are able to not be hurt by the adoption (triggers etc) I think you would make a great mum to a child who joins your family by adoption. please just make sure you really do not want another biological child because it can be a very strong desire to have another biological child and you need to be sure if you are going down the adoption route you are not hoping for a biological baby or one who would be just like your birth DD (if you see what I mean).

Wow thanks for the responses everyone!

Thanks for your honesty crazeekitty after all if the therapy I can talk relatively freely about the things that happened to me. It has taken a long time to process them but I can now have a feeling of detachment from them instead of automatically becoming that scared teenager again. In terms if triggers, I think that's something that I could deal with if I had a framework in place to help the child involved, I currently have to do vulnerable adult and child safeguarding through work, I find it emotionally challenging sometimes but I have coping strategies that I use to deal with that stress.

I am totally fine with cuddles! Infact I am constantly cuddling my daughter- I want her to know how much I adore her! The physical thing is more when it's a stranger or the medical examination type scenario that made birth so difficult.

Flighty it's been a massive learning experience for me, finding a healthy way of dealing with my issues. It's building that self esteem and belief that you are worth more than being treated a certain way that I have found the most challenging. But I can look at my own childhood now (and the way my relationship is with my parents) and recognise unhealthy patterns and behaviours. I distance myself from these things so I won't be dragged in again.

Lilka some great practical stuff for me to think about there! Thankfully the self harm and drug issues (a lot of cannabis smoking but nothing harder than that) all ended when I was about 20 so hopefully that will be seen as a positive thing. Another 2 years would probably be great in terms of having more therapy as we still have work to do!

Do SW equip you for dealing with these challenging situations or does it tend to be: "you've adopted, now you're on your own." I guess it might depend on area and the needs of the individual child.

It didn't rule it out for me. It DID mean that issues regarding my childhood and the neglect that I experienced were pursued in a great amount of detail. Like you, I have had a lot of counselling, so felt quite comfortable talking about myself and my life. That definitely helps. So long as you are up to the intrusive questioning that an assessment will involve, most agencies are likely to consider you.
How you have dealt with and processed your life experiences will be of great interest to the social worker assessing you, so they are more likely to consider you because you've had counselling.

Good luck!

As others have said, it's not what's happened to us so much as how we've dealt with it.

What I saw as baggage and stopped me from pursuing adoption for ages but when I found the right agency they worked with me on it. Sorry I can't give more details but the fact I'd had counselling and hadn't let it frame the rest of my life was a positive.

Although your little girl will need to be a bit older why not book into an information evening? It's a good starting point.

If you were my friend, based on what you've posted, I would advise you not to adopt. It because I don't think you are a good mum to your bio child and could be a great mum to an adopted child. But because I think you would find the process of adoption very very difficult and possibly disturbing and triggering.

Not so much the getting approved bit. But the matching , dealing with contact and particularly any issues the Child might bring . SS do not equip you, beyond a lecture during your preparation course or giving you a book list. Once you adopt you are on your own.

Post adoption support usually consists of a SW coming round to your house , drinking your tea and telling you that you are doing a great job. Unless you are lucky enough to get an excellent worker and agency.

If you were my friend I would suggest that you get some counselling or therapy to help you deal with whatever issues are making you feel like you can't have another bio child. That will be much easier than adopting.

I'm sorry if this opinion upsets you or offends you in any way. And I know it's the opposite of what everyone else has said. But its coming from very hard personal experiences, as I also had a very unhappy childhood and have adopted .

I'm going to give the flip side of Kristina's post but not to undermine her.. she always gives sound advice.

I also could not tolerate the thought of conceiving a bio child. It truly terrified me in every way..not because of childhood experiences but adult ones. I was honest about this and my sw understood.

You're spot on that you're on your own though. No-one prepares you for the reality of adoption and my dd has exhibited behaviour which could be difficult for me because of past events but I can look at it in a completely different context.

Italian another biological child would be amazing but I don't think I could psychologically cope with the pregnancy and giving birth. I am going to see my GP and discuss potential ways we could overcome that.

Regardless of whether or not I have another biological child, I would love to adopt anyway. I always felt like I wanted 3 children, be the biological or adopted.

An adoption evening sounds like a great idea crazee I will have to look into these!

Please don't think you have offended me Kristina I came here to seek honest opinions and advice, if you put yourself on the line like that then you have to be prepared to hear things you may not necessarily like! For me it's great to hear other peoples experiences. It sounds like you have had a challenging time- do you ever think adopting was the wrong decision?

I think for some families and some children , adoption IS the wrong decision. Usually because the child's needs are too extreme, they cannot be cared for safely in a family setting. Or perhaps they can, but not without the intensive support that is rarely provided here for adoptive families.

I know many marriages which have split up because of the severity of a child's needs.

Other children of the family being removed into foster care because of false allegations.

Other children in the family moving out of the parental home and in with other family members because they are at risk or because they hate living at home.

Other children bullied at school of developing mental health problems or addictions because of the stress at home or becoming alienated from their parents.

Parents assaulted with offensive weapons .

Parents who have to choose between their children because the adopted child is a perpetrator and they can't keep the other children safe.

Families ostracised from their extended family and community because the adoption has disputed.

Parents who lose their job because of false allegations of abuse.

I think that most of them would feel that with hindsight they took on more than they could handle. Though all of them love their children and wish it could have worked out differently .