would we be considered?

[crashbandicoot]

Hi,

My husband and I are at the very early stages of thinking about adoption/permanent fostering. but i am conscerned that we might have too many issues to be considered. could anyone advise?

positives

we have been together 10 years
own our flat outright
live in nice area
good jobs that give adoption leave
both highly educated
friends and family around us

negatives

i take anti depressants for pmt symptoms
i had alcoholic parents
i am sad about not being able to conceive a child of my own
i am in my 30s dh is late 50s

do you think we have too many issues to be considered? i would be happy to have therapy if that would help..

thanks

You may want to contact a couple of voluntary agencies and your local authority, and chat through what you're feeling. There can be some variation in the "feel" and responses of different agencies, so often people take a little time to find the right one for them.

If you decide that you want to progress with adoption or fostering, then a social worker will spend quite a bit of time with you and your partner, getting to know you, and getting to understand you both and your history. They will ask you about your experiences during childhood and adulthood, and they'll be looking to see how you cope with the tough things - they are not expecting you to have never had any problems in your life, but it's very much about how they have affected you, and how you now handle life. There's also a fair amount of preparation training, through different types of workshops, which will cover some of these same issues.

I am not sure about fostering, but I know with adoption there is a certain time period that is required to allow you to process not conceiving a birth child (particularly if there has been IVF etc). So it's possible you may be asked to wait before applying, to give you space for that. Good luck with your process

Everything there is fine bar two things.

You will probably have to consider and discuss at length your parents' access to your child (if they are still in the picture).

The big sticking point will probably be your emotions towards not being able to have children. You may need to seek counseling before you begin the adoption process.

Best thing you can do is speak to a social worker and ask them. Be totally honest but look for solutions instead of focusing on the problems.

Speaking from experience... I'm also highly educated and this was almost seen as a negative... They spent a long time talking to me about whether I'd expect my children to be high achievers (many adopted children aren't).

My husband is not highly educated and that helped. So be aware of hat.

But yes, both polka and odyssey give good advice. Call a few LAs and VAs and see what they say.

thanks so much for your responses.

maryz thank you for reminding me that adopting a child could be a positive step and part of the healing process.
mrsb i never thought that degrees etc would be a stumbling block... but thanks for the heads up
polka and patty you have both raised good points. i think i will need to do a lot of work/ counselling etc before we can proceed. hopefully then i can go in positive that we are in a good enough place to provide a child with a loving home.

Hi Crash,

Our SW has been very realistic about a lot of things. When we discussed fertility we said that we'd always be sad about not being able to just have a baby the 'normal' way, but that we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to get pregnant if that makes sense. After having fertility treatment we felt selfish that there are already children existing who need homes, and that we didn't value a pregnancy enough to warrant going through more treatment. (I hope that makes sense and doesn't offend anyone). Since deciding to adopt we have felt immensely positive about the whole thing - so much more so than we ever had about fertility stuff before.

Re. the education thing. DH and I are both educated to post grad level and are both professionals. As Mrs BW says this was an 'issue' and we had to write (at our SW's request) a statement about what education meant to us, and how we would support our child/ren through their education - in order to emphasise that we wouldn't be forcing our children to continue their education in the way we had, or into professional careers. We didn't have to 'fake' this and so it wasn't a massive problem to write. But it was something that we had to discuss and address in our report.

My parents weren't alcoholics, but I had an appalling relationship with my Dad and as a result I am no longer in touch with him in anyway. This hasn't been an issue at all (I was convinced beforehand that it would be), it has actually been a positive in that through my own experience I will be able to relate to some of the feelings adoptive children have about their situation. My not being in touch with him was the key point as he wouldn't be a risk to our children, so if you are still in touch with your parents be prepared that this is likely to be something the SW will want to discuss with you.

I would definitely call and speak to some agencies and discuss your situation. They'll be able to talk through some of your concerns and let you know if any of them are likely to be problems, and if so what you can do to address them. Good luck!

thanks daffodil everyone seems to be saying that we should pick up the phone and have an informal chat... i think we'll do this as it doesn't sound like any of our issues are insurmountable....we have a long journey ahead though.

thanks so much everyone.

crashbandicoot yes yes and yes from me, pick up the phone and have a chat. But be aware of those emotions you feel about having a biological baby. I think you need to work through them. When the child comes they will probably be quite needy for quite a while and you will need to be in control of your emotions etc. Have you tried fertility treatment (you do not need to answer me - just think for yourselves if you have tired it enough and are done with it). When we first looked into adoption I thought I was ready, I had had failed IUI and IVF with donor eggs. But i was not ready yet. We have a birth DD and I had always wanted to adopt but was not ready! I went away and had two more years of treatment which cost a fortune and failed. At the end of it I was more than ready to lay it aside. I wish I had been ready sooner but I was not. Just be sure in your own mind you are ready to put all your energy into adoption for the sake of the child/ren and for yourselves.