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possiby the stupidest question but im going to ask anyway...

21 replies

prumarth · 06/04/2014 12:23

Bearing in mind we are yet to be linked - however we have started trying to sort out the house ready for our new potential arrival. We have 2 spare rooms - one is a large room containing a double bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers and still has plenty of space. The other is a box room which we had been using as a study but is now empty.
Originally we were going to use the main spare room as the child's room, however we are now concerned this will feel a bit vast for a child when it's only got cot, baby stuff etc in there - will it be a bit intimidating?? The other room is ideal size for a cot, drawers, easy chair and would feel lovely and cosy.
Obviously some of this is age dependent, but we have been getting some thoughts from our LA about one child, under 12 months. If this was the case:

  • would the smaller room be more welcoming
  • would social workers think it's weird to have them in the smaller room rather than larger
  • would it be wrong to start them in the smaller room then move them to the bigger room once they are older and need a bed etc
  • am I obsessing unnecessarily?? I know it sounds petty but it kept me awake all night worrying about what to do for the best...
OP posts:
flowerpowerlondon · 06/04/2014 12:28

Hi Prumarth

Thanks for asking as were were wondering the same thing. Smile
Hopefully someone in the know will offer the voice of experience soon.

TheScience · 06/04/2014 12:32

Having a baby in a little "nursery" sounds really practical to me - then you still have a spare room if family come to stay. DS1 didn't start playing in his room/having lots of toys in there/needing floor space til he was 3, and most of his toys are still downstairs.

flightywoman · 06/04/2014 12:40

The SWs will probably suggest that you use the room nearest yours for the child - that's what we were told and seems to be normal practice...

I think you might be overthinking it a little - and I'm not critical, I get why, everything else gets put under scrutiny it's hard not to do it for every element - but I don't think a big room is going to be too intimidating really, and it will soon get filled up with stuff, trust me! Smile

Kewcumber · 06/04/2014 12:40

I had the same situation and put DS (14 months coming home) in the small room - as long as there's room for cot, somewhere to change and a comfy chair for bedtime story and bottle thats all we used. All DS's toys etc were downstairs.

sugarandspite · 06/04/2014 12:43

Personally, I always find it a little odd to 'save' one of the big rooms in the house for guests rather than for use by the people who live there.

So I would allocate DC the bigger spare room and either use the smaller as a gues room or if that is too small for a double bed, put a decent quality sofa bed in DC's room so guests can stay there and you bring DC in with you.

That means there will be no potentially unsettling room changing later on and it's really nice to have some decent floor space upstairs to play with DC even when they're little imo - gives you a nice change of scene and perfect for post-bath play etc.

sugarandspite · 06/04/2014 12:44
Kewcumber · 06/04/2014 12:50

All experience is relevant sugar but it also depends what the sleeping arrangements have been in foster carers.

Big room for guests, small room for baby is also relevant if you can't fit a double bed in the smaller room (which was the case in my old house) and you have family who want to come and see you!

Kewcumber · 06/04/2014 12:51

Moving adopted DC's around to accomodate guests isn't generally a good idea (at least not for quite a while) - not directed at you sugar, I realise you didn;t realise it was an adoption thread but at OP.

SavoyCabbage · 06/04/2014 12:51

As a child, I had the smallest room and my younger sister the bigger. I liked it as we could play in her room but if I wanted to get away from her have some time to myself I had somewhere to go. When you get a bit older you want to read, draw etc.

I've done this with my own dc as like you, I felt the bigger room was too big. When we had dd2 we could have moved dd1 into the bigger room and put the baby in the 'nursery'. We've moved house since then and dd1 has the small room here too. It works well for us.

BettyBotter · 06/04/2014 13:01

(I'm not an adoptive parent here but have some experience in related areas).

I'd say the answer has to be what works for your family and don't try to second guess what SS will make of it. Do you often have visitors who use the spare room? Do you want to keep a small separate study or can this combine with the bigger spare room? Would you prefer all toys and baby paraphernalia kept in one bigger room or would you have a second space to keep and play with the boxes and crates full of plastic stuff your dc will acquire?

Remember first, whatever you choose now is not set in stone and can be swapped around in the years to come. Second, your dc wont care a fig until they are much older and finally, your choice is not a measure of you as parents.

FWIW, we have a small/box bedroom and when younger my 2dss both argued over who got the tiny room as they liked the feeling of being in their little cocoon of cosiness. They have swapped several times through childhood to get their turn of the little room. It is only now at 17 years old that ds1 has decided he wants to move into the bigger spare room as he fancies having a double bed for girls to share.

Meita · 06/04/2014 13:06

We used to have birth DS in the bigger room, but that room also doubled up as guest room. So whenever we had guests staying, DS would move in with us (not a problem, as he spends most of most nights with us anyway).

At around age 2 we moved him into the smaller room which was then totally his, no sharing with guests, no 'other stuff' stored in it, just his own space.

I think it really depends on previous sleeping arrangements, and perhaps also on how well LO sleeps generally. If LO wakes several times a night, you might want to ensure you have space for a comfy chair by the cot, for you to sit in; or even enough space for a mattress on the floor, so you can decamp there if needed. Unless you're thinking of some form of co-sleeping in your room of course.

But generally speaking, I think you really need to wait until at least tentatively linked, and until you've had a chance to speak to LO's foster carer.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/04/2014 13:09

This is what I would do in your situation.

If you have a baby/very young child I would put them in the little room. An older child the larger room.
You could use the larger room as a play room or storage.
The younger they are the larger the toys tend to be and I can remember dd our youngest needing the biggest room for some time.
We had kitchen, ironing board, pram etc they take up lots of room. Oh, then there's craft boxes and table, easel, the list is endless.

Whatever you decide you won't be judged for it and a little one that will be going to a home where people are bothered about things like this will be truly loved.
Bless you Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 06/04/2014 13:18

prumath I'd do what Potatoprints says, as long as the two rooms are the same distance from your room. When child is older I would move them to the bigger room. My DD was not playing alone in her rooms for years, maybe until 5, so all the stuff she wanted was downstairs -prepare now for the house invasion of 'stuff'!! Good luck.

And I think it is normal to over-think! I have over-thought everything!

prumarth · 06/04/2014 13:26

Firstly, thank you everybody, it massively helps me to get some perspective on these things or I could spend weeks analysing it in my own head!

Our thought process was to use the small room as sleep/ bedtime space - keep it calm, cosy and relaxing. We could then ditch the bed in the other room but put a sofa bed in there and keep as a play room / messy space for toys, books etc. We don't have enough out of town visitors to really warrant a double bed in there permanently, but the wardrobe and drawers are quite handy. It sounds like using either room would be ok - I guess with the finishing line in sight, I didn't want to do anything that caused social services to gasp in horror and revoke our approval!!
Sugar, thank you for your views, it's nice to get alternate views from and can only help with my navel gazing so please don't feel you can't add a voice. Flower, it's hard going trying to second guess the right thing to do when you have no idea who will be sleeping there!

This will probably all change in a few weeks when we get shown profiles for a sibling group of older children Smile

OP posts:
namechangesforthehardstuff · 06/04/2014 19:04

Everyone's said it all already. Just wanted to say hi and how great it is that you're at this stage and really planning for an actual arrival :)

Buster51 · 06/04/2014 20:17

We were in the same situation & opted for the box room for our 4yo. Perfect decision as its just a nice size for him, he doesn't play in his room on his own yet so our spare room can still be used for guests :)

Buster51 · 06/04/2014 20:20

/ storage etc... But not unusual to overthink! I thought over this for weeks! As well as re-painted all of the rooms etc :) his toys encroach into every room so it doesn't make too much difference (sorry posted too soon!)

allthingswillpass · 06/04/2014 20:49

We opted for the little room. Our LO had shared with FC till he came home so he started in our room and progressed to his little room. Cosy, close to us and he doesn't play in there so we just it was the right thing to do.

prumarth · 06/04/2014 21:54

Hi namechange, hope all is well at your end? I'm thrilled we've got this far - now just need a definite link!
Buster, glad I'm not the only one over thinking decisions - It's amazing how much these decisions can play on your mind! Hope all is going well with your little boy?

OP posts:
namechangesforthehardstuff · 06/04/2014 22:09

Panel next month. Am stressing about EVERYTHING. Convinced we're going to be turned down. DH thinks I'm completely overthinking, overworrying etc for thinking that...

I think I'm being quite reasonable. Maybe I should do an AIBU

prumarth · 06/04/2014 22:47

I know how you are feeling - the week before panel I had a dream/nightmare that we were rejected because they didn't like our carpet. I found myself staring at it frequently during that last week! But don't worry, you will be absolutely fine. I know there are no cast iron guarantees, but the odds are massively in your favour - I look forward to hearing your positive news next month! Xxx

OP posts:
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