Putting a child up for adoption

[horsemad1234]

I'm not sure this is the right place so apologies.

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant, as a result of a violent and volatile relationship which has since broken down.

I've made the decision to relinquish my child at birth and have had social services involved for about the past 10 weeks. My child is subject to a child protection plan due to my depression and issues surrounding alcohol. Social services have my co operation and I was present at the Child Protection conference, and will be present at the review depending on how I'm doing physically (it's due to be held 2 days before a planned c-section so could be tricky).

I had a meeting with the social worker from the child placement team and she suggested I might like to buy some things for baby - any suggestions? I was thinking back to how much I loved my first 'teddy' (I still have it) so thought that could be an option as well as a few practical things like vests?

I also wondered how much detail to put in the letter for the child to read when he/she is older. I wouldn't of thought it was wise to be totally honest about how they were conceived but on the same note, I think I'd want to know if I was them.

Does anyone have any pointers? They've said during the 6-week "cool down" period between birth and being put up for adoption I'd be welcome to attend Health Visitor appointments etc as it's good for the child to know their birth mother cared. What are your views?

Once again, sorry for the questions but hands-on experience would be particularly useful as the social workers aren't always very forthcoming with information.

horsemad, what a very sad and brave post. It is wonderful that you are thinking through how to help your child deal with their loss of you. I am the adoptive mother of a 4 yo who was taken into care at birth, and her birth mother is very much a live issue for her at the moment. These are things that I think would be wonderfully helpful:

• a little present or two; yes yes to a teddy, maybe a book? Vests are nice and practical but I'm sure your baby would like to have things that show you gave a lot of thought to, like maybe the book that you liked best when you were little?

• A long and honest letter for when your child is adult, that can sit in his/her file.

• A different sort of letter you can offer the adoptive parents now, that would be more appropriate for a younger child?

• Photos: family photos and photos of your baby at or soon after birth (I'm very sad I don't have any photos of my dd in her early weeks; I don't know why the social worker didn't take any)

• I would loved it if my dd's birth mother could have written down lots of details on anything and everything: what she was like as a child, what she liked to play with, her favourite subjects at school, what the birth was like, funny family stories - your child will probably treasure every drop of information.

Very best of luck to you. I really hope life starts picking up for you. Take care.

horsemad you are very brave and I hope you are getting support for yourself at this time.

I cannot really add to what Devora has said except that instead of vests I would suggest something that wold be special and could be kept like a small soft fleecy baby blanket or a beautiful baby grow that they can wear early on. You may or may not know if the baby is a boy or girl so if not something neutral but nice.

I am sure this will be very, very painful for you, shopping for such items, as you prefer for the more painful issue of relinquishing the baby. Please keep in your mind how special this will be for the little one.

Thinking of you.

Hi, I was adopted at birth, well given up at birth.

My parents kept the letters from the adoption agency giving them parental info, I treasured those as a child and into my teenage years. I met my birth mum aged 23.

My parents also kept a box of clothes, hairbrush etc that came with me from foster care( I was in foster care for 6 months due to health issues) I always assumed they came from foster carer but they were in a box marked with a stamp from the shop,they were bought in, they were bought in the town my birth mother lived in, so once I met her I assumed she had bought them, she didn't know anything about them. I was sad about that, however she thinks her dad ( now deceased) must have.

So, yes please buy some things.

I can't answer re the appointments etc, every one is different. I know my birth mother didn't want to see me after birth and I was taken away then, she felt she had to do it that way. I guess maybe it was the 1970's , so times were different.

Many hugs, you are doing a very brave thing

You are very thoughtful to consider this, I hope it will bring you some small comfort that you are doing all these things for the little one, and agree with Dervora lots of notes and info, on you as a child and an adult etc. Bless you.

Can I just add, horsemad, that I reckon I'm a typical adopter, and my dd's things from her birth family are kept in a special painted wooden box, with my dd's name on, and a padlock - only she and I know the combination. I'm telling you this so you can see that I treat the things from her birth mum as very special. I'm very sad that she has never written to us, that she didn't turn up to meet us, that we know so little about her (though I do understand why it was hard for her to be as generous as you are being).

Any effort you put in here will not be wasted, I promise you.

I can't really add to Devora's excellent post, aside from to suggest photographs.
A lot of adopted children get to their teenage years and wonder who they look like-some pictures of yourself at various ages and stages would be lovely.

There is support available for birth parents post adoption, please do try to get the help and support that you need to hell you to deal with and process this.

Wow horsemad. Huge respect for you.

I was adopted at birth but back in the 1970s when there was no ongoing contact. I arrived in a vest and a babygrow and with nothing else.

My mum always knew which clothes I arrived in but I could never tell them apart from the others that were mine that she'd saved. They were all worn by my children and I think all passed on which is a bit sad.

I have just applied to see my adoption file. I want to know what my bm was like; what she looked like, what she was interested in, I want to know how many of my characteristics come from her.

I would have treasured something like a teddy from her. It's something that would have been kept. A blanket I'm not so sure about; it's something that is likely to have just sat in a cupboard but that might just be me.

I think new born photos of your baby would be a fabulous thing to pass on; mine start at 2 weeks when I was discharged from hospital.

I have huge respect for my bm. I think about her pretty much every day. I am very grateful to her and I can't imagine how much love it must have taken to give up her child. I have learned that giving me up for adoption was something she was always committed to and never wavered from but I can't imagine how much strength it must take to do it. For that reason she will always be a huge part of my life and I will always love her.

I wish you love and luck on your journey.

Have thought about what to say and I still don't know what to write really. I have relinquished a child and I suppose what I want to say most loudly is- and this may well be wrong of me- are you sure?

Your situation sounds complicated but involvement of SS and child protection issues doesn't necessarily mean forced adoption so you can change your mind. And I want to say that because I know how much I clung to my decision as the right thing to do, I know how the regularly SS contact can reinforce that and how in America where this situation is much more common how many of these mothers go on to bitterly regret their decision.

What else to know? Someone up thread said there is support for birth parents after delivery, I don't know where they live but this isn't generally true. You will be on your own afterwards with your section wound and leaking breasts as your hormones surge and crash. So if you go ahead think clearly about what will help you as this will be a vulnerable time for you. Your child will have the right to contact you at 18 and you or your close relatives have to right to intermediary contact when your child is 18 also. Any further children you have will need to know about this, this is difficult.

This decision won't leave you and in funny ways gets harder not easier with time, time lets you see your decision more clearly and the other choices. Time makes you engage with the idea of your growing child the possibilities or not of your future relationship.

With regard to your questions what you pass on and a gift and outfit is a lovely idea is part of a broader picture of what contact you will have and how it will be arranged. Adoptions now often have annual letterbox contact, some have more regular And some less, it concerns me that your post gives no mention of this and I wonder how thorough your SWs are being? The letter that you want to write sounds like you imagine it needed to be both introduction and final contact and it need not be both. You could write many letters, you can keep things on file for older children who may access their records and these are the things you need to discuss. Photos of yourself and the baby would be good too.

Appointments would be good to attend so you can keep seeing your baby whilst working through if you really want to do this. If you google after adoption you can call them now, their phone counsellor swill only follow your lead but they are very informed about adoption and the issues around it. You will almost certainly find them better to talk to than your SW.

Good luck with everything.

Just to reinforce what Devora said - DS has a "treasure box" with important things of all kinds from his early life although nothing from his birth family. It is very special to both of us and we go through it from time to time and talk about it.

I wish you well and please feel free to come and post on this board for support whenever you need to, however things pan out, its a support board for anyone touched by adoption.

horsemad what a very difficult and brave thing for you to do. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

I am a birth parent, I developed alcohol problems when DD was 2-3 and she was adopted at the age of 6. I don't know whether the things I gave her were kept, but I bought a special box and a couple of special presents. During the last visits I probably bought too much but I think when you can't do anything else it's easy to fall into that trap. I can still get lost in an M+S childrens' section....

I think pictures - of you pregnant, if you can bear to, as well as others... and I would try and write the letter for your child to read when they are older - even if you don't send it, I suspect it will help to get it written down.

Please do post for support if you need to. As well as attending HV appointments, have you thought about how you think you want to handle things initially after the birth with the baby? Even if you then change your mind, at least you've thought about it.

Look after yourself - both now and afterwards. You have done such big life changing things recently, it's time to take very good care now.