contact with bps. help me walk a mile in my daughter's shoes

[crazeekitty]

Contact is imminent. There's a court order in place. It will be supervised and in a centre.

DD said she misses bps and wants to make sure they're ok. She's excited about the contact.

She seems to have it all sorted in her head. She's got two mummies and a daddy. She lives with me forever and sees them forever (until you're 18 is forever to a 9 yo).

I've met both bps. Got on fine with one. Enjoyed that person's company. The other is a very disturbing individual who I would not normally let within a mile of my family.. would cross the road if someone like that shambled our way.

Dd is getting to know more of her history and why she can't live with them. She obviously does and always will love them despite how they treated her and what they exposed her to.

I'm not jealous. I know all the benefits in theory of contact. She's really looking forward to it. It will no doubt benefit her. Benefit bps. But I'm just feeling like a long term carer, not her mother.

Can anyone help me see how a child can reconcile all this stuff and see me as mummy?

Please please don't think I don't want her to see them as her parents. I am not in a competition. And as I said, one of the bps is a perfectly nice person who I am actually looking forward to seeing with dd.

I just don't get how she can see me as mummy and therefore how I can feel mummy.

Thinking miracle might be some help here. And those of you who are adoptees. And anyone who has a similar situation with regular direct contact.

This is just the latest in a series of worries, some of which I've shared in other posts. There are more that I can't share. Any help gratefully received, lovely people. Thank you.

crazeekitty I am not yet an adoptive mum (if that is even the right term) but I wanted to say try not to worry. She has begun in her own mind to reconcile the situation. You are not a long term carer, you are her mum, and it is for this reason you feel so apprehensive about it, because you care so deeply.

How can a child reconcile all this stuff and see you as Mum? I think she will. You will (I hate to say it but I think you will) be dealing with the backlash once she has seen them. You will be doing the 'mum bit'.

Dealing with the crap as well as the fun stuff is very 'mum'. I almost think if you looked up in the dictionary definition of Mum it should say does the right things even when it's hard,
loves always, even when it's,
is there even when it's hard.

You go girl, you are very mum.

Thank you Italian. I'll try and remind myself of that. Hopefully the fun stuff will come along one of these days, too.

Oh my love, you are her mum.
The constant in her life, the person who cares, the one she trusts or will begin to.
The one she confides in and looks for guidance and support.
The one who nurtures and cares.
The one who is just there sometimes, for no particular reason, because you love her.

Anybody can conceive a baby and give birth. Not everyone can be a mum x
I hope her contact goes well and you her mum will be waiting for her.

I do really hope so, I hope it sneaks up on you and you suddenly find it there.

Like Italian I'm not yet an adoptive mum but I would say we often don't give children the credit to sort out this kind of situation. To most children they deal with things simply it's us adults that often overthink and over complicate things. Children are very adaptable and these days families come in so many different guises and the children don't overthink it. How many children have 2 sets of parents through marriage break ups and new relationships?
You sound like you're doing an amazing job as a mum, your daughter sounds like she feels safe and secure in your relationship in being ok about seeing bp's. It is an amazing thing you're doing and putting your daughters needs before your own is very much "mum".

My DD1 was 8 when placed and is 14 now. We don't have direct contact but do have letterbox.

When DD1 was 9 she had this 'fantasy' how when she grew up and met her BM again it would be just like it was when she was little (without any of the bad bits of course).

However as she has got older into teenage years she has realised this is not true. She will never recapture the Mum-Daughter relationship she used to have. I really am her Mum now, I have done all the looking-after, guiding etc. etc. Her relationship with BM will be different, not sure what, but definitely different.

So I think she will be able to see you as Mum now anyway, but over time she will understand more. She will probably always have a bond with her BM, but that needn't stop a very special bond with you.

Honestly it I think depends on whether the birth parent Undermines you with well she's not your real mummy I am. I would however be very much along the lines of "why don't you go show mummy that" at the end "give me a hug and go nicely with mummy now and be good for her"

I think kids are very robust and people forget that. There are plenty of kids being bought up with two mummies (thinking gay couples etc) and some even have three. (Gay couples can adopt too)

Just be as honest as is possible with her when questions get asked which they will.

I should also add that not being blood related to someone soesnt make you love them less. My best friends little girl is like a niece to me and I love her to bits. Her mum I love like a sister. Would it make any difference if we shared the same blood? Not to me

I think contact will potentially be hard for her and I think you know that and are expecting a bit of a backlash. I think that isn't the issue. Quite possibly in the end it will be better for your DD but it may be a bumpy ride.

Your real concern I guess is "How can I be her mum when she already has one" is the real crux of the matters isn;t it?

I can only tell you my perspective - MIracle is right about loving more than one parent - I know children who have three, two and one and I don't think there's a finite amount of love that people have which is divided equally between those close to them. I did not love my 4 grandparents less because I had 4 and my friends loved theirs more because they only had two. People who have three children don;t love then each a third amount of those people who only have one child. I loved my grandparents to different degrees and in different ways depending on how present they were in my life, their personality, the effort they put in and some intangible thing that I have no idea of!

Also (and very importantly IMO) you have only (I think) been her mum for about 6 months, yes? Thats nothing. At 6 months I would have been incredibly insecure about DS seeing birth parents, I wasn't anywhere close enough to feeling like his mum to be secure with how he would react to seeing another mum at that point.

Now I would give anything for him to be able to have contact of some sort because it would be, I'm convinced, so good for him because I have no doubts about either my love for and importance to him or him with me.

Good luck and batten down the hatches and hopefully contact this time next year will find you more secure in your position.

LastingLight - I'm not sure its helpful (because of course DH's and DC's is a different relationship but I don't think DC's quite grasp that!) but I have used to example of your DH not being "bio" ie you chose to love him because of who he is - there is no biological connection and he isn't less important to you than say your bio sibling is he?

I have also tackled the bio vs non-bio as it being "a shame" that some people feel that way because they miss out on so much - ie make the unusual one be the person who doesn't understand the love possible between two people who aren't biologically related. You can even ask if you think evil bio grandma doesn't love her DH if he isn't a blood relative!

I have also said to DS in the past "I don't know how X feels about their (bio) child, in fact I have no real idea how anyone feels about their child. I do know how I feel about you and it just isn't possible that I could love another child any more than I love you"

Thanks Kewcumber.

None of that may be helpful to you Light, but sometimes hearing what others have said can give you new ideas. Certainly its always a good opportunity to reinforce out loud how we feel about our children - which quite frankly I'm sure I don't do enough!

Crazee - I am just going to PM you.

crazeekitty I love hearing about your journey with your DD. You see, this side of the screen, there is no doubt to the reader that you are DD's mum, and also that she sees you as that.

I guess what you're talking about is imposter syndrome - which is quite common with parents of newborns, but I don't see why it doesn't apply to adoptive parents as much as biological parents. Might be worth googling if it's not a term you've heard before. I found it when my DD was born - at the time, a youngish but successful professional engaged to a successful politician - but it was even more powerful when I reached a certain grade at work... really powerful belief that because I didn't feel like a XXXXXXX then how could I be seen as one.

I guess it's time, time and more time. Working on your recalcitrant thoughts, correcting them.

I'm sure the contact with DD's BPs is going to stir up her feelings and I know she takes it out on you in a major way. It's confusing. But maybe not quite as confusing as it is to those that have NOT had DD's experiences - I'm sure she is more welcoming of the idea of this "two mummies and a daddy" and in time you will be her "everyday" Mummy and her "first to tell" Mummy and her "holidays and happy memories" Mummy and that is real - you might not have given birth to her but why is that more real than all the stuff you do and have done.

(I was weregoingtothezoo before, sorry for any confusion)

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for all the helpful comments. I didn't realise that I seem like a mum to anyone else because I feel like a carer. However your comments have helped and I am looking forward to one of the contacts. The other one with the other person is going to be far harder for everyone.

I think it's just hard to see this little girl really looking forward to seeing two people who treated her like crap and never met her needs. It makes me sad to see her so trusting of them. One of them I know is a wholly likeable person and we will both enjoy her company but the other one is not trustworthy in any way, which is why contact will be so closely controlled ... Just breaks my heart that she's going to be so pleased to see someone so manipulative and quite dangerous.

Anyway, you're right of course.. we can all have space to love more than one person. I will let people know how it goes. I know dd is really excited but very worried by it all.

P.s. miracle, please don't take the 'treated her like crap' comment as my view on all bps. You actually remind me of dd's bm a lot... She has her best interests at heart but made mistakes when she was vulnerable. I like her a lot. That's why I value your opinion so much

Crazykitty, how is it in your dd's best interests to have contact with a untrustworthy, dangerous bp? Not attacking you in any way, I'm just trying to understand why that contact is happening at all.

There's a court order in place light. Can't get it overturned just yet. Sws objected to it before I was even on the scene but some eejit court person rubber stamped it.

He will be supervised VERY closely. A sw breathing down his neck for the whole time. Quite literally.

Would you be happy to let the birth mum continue to have face to face? Out of curiosity. I'm thinking personality that the best thing I can do is get a contact order as I feel social services will just continue to fail to support contact. Next one is due by august 10th. its nothing against the adopters but that I want to maintain contact with our ds.

Hi Miracle. Well we've not had our first contact with bm yet although I've met her and dd used to have contact. However, if first contact goes well then I'm very happy for it to continue.

One of the main differences between bm and bf is that bm is agreeing to contact for dd, bf is insisting on it for himself. We are stuck with it though.

Bm only has dd's interests at heart and I want dd to know that, so I'm hoping contact works.