Feeling a bit lost

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

My eldest is 14 now. I don't really know other mums of girls her age, due to not ever breaking in to the close-knit group of parents at primary when we turned up newly placed when she was 8. None of her secondary friends live near.

She's now wanting to know more about her early years, but tbh the only way we will be able to get answrs is to ask BM. That will be hard as I think DD really needs a 2 way conversation, but BM isn't in a good place right now, and we don't think direct contact would be a good thing to start up at this time for either of them.

She also wants to talk to someone independent about her early memories but didn't really like the PASW she saw a couple of years ago, but school pastoral care probably doesn't have the necessary time / experience, so not sure which way to jump.

We do have a later life letter for her, which will have some upsetting contents, so although it may answer things it may cause more angst, and maybe she shouldn't have it without some counselling lined up.

Generally she is quite stable, works hard at school, has some good friends. We're afraid of upsetting the applecart, but there again, not being proactive could cause problems too.

I don't really know what I'm asking; I guess just whether anyone else has any good advice (or cake).

Sorry, forgot to say I have posted here before but have decided I need a special username for Adoption so have name changed.

I'm so sorry that I can't help you UnderTheNameOfSanders but did not want to read and run. I am not yet a parent to a child who joined the family by adoption, so please feel free to ignore any unhelpful comments.

Can you access any professional help from an independent organisation who are specialist in this?

Is there any work that can be done to prepare your dd for the things she may find out when she is older and to prepare her now. Not necessarily through direct contact with birth mum but by indirect contact?

If the school can't help, can the school or GP point you in the right direction for her. If she was adopted through local county council can you go back to them to see what else they can offer? I am assuming the PASW (Post adoption social worker?) was a specific person who was not very helpful and that person may well have changed role or moved on or there may be another person she could see.

I am so sorry you also do not have the support you need and wonder if you can access some support specifically for you?

Our adoption county gave us an adoption buddy, well a whole family. I met the mum. This is a lady who (amazingly) is about my age, a Christian (like me), lives quite close and had the same adoption set up (older birth daughter and adopted younger child). I have no idea if we will become great buddies or not but the fact she is very similar to me is a help.

I've also been lucky by posting here (a lot!) to have built up a few 'contacts' who I have met in real life, (a total of 5 so far and counting!). They will not be people I will see for a glass of wine down the pub or a coffee at home on a regular basis but they will be people I can message or call because they understand my situation (adopting a relatively young child with an older birth child).

So for you, is there any forum (this or other) or place you could build up a supportive network of people who have slightly older children. It does take time (I have been posting on her for about 3 or 4 years) but the feeling of getting close to people has really come through personal messaging people who have been helpful to me and of meeting up (if appropriate). There is a London meet up planned, why not try and get together with others and see if they can be supportive?

Good luck.

Thanks Italian . I guess one of our problems is that our placement has been remarkably trouble free. (I know that doesn't really sound like a problem). For years I used the AUK boards, and now they've gone all blue and bubbly I have finally found the alternate site. They have a board for parents of older adoptees, but generally the issues there are quite full-on (and dare I say it, thus some assumption that yours must be too).

I think you are right that I have been missing local meet ups that used to happen, and maybe I need to revisit some of the local support groups (though again they tended to be people going through approval, or people having serious trouble, but maybe they won't be like that anymore).

Anyway, today DH and I got out the Later Life Letters and all the rest of the bumpf, and we think maybe it is time for the LLL to be shared with ADD1. Though maybe some backup available if we need it might be good.

Also maybe I need to just build up my local network, one of my closest 'Mum' friends has recently moved and I'm feeling a bit lonely without her to chat to each day.

Why not get advice from PAS as they will be able to point you to something/someone that can give appropriate advice without nesscessarily involving AD? If the later in life letter has some quite difficult things to read it maybe helpful to gain advice before letting her read it....just a thought.

Does your dd get contact letters? My son was placed dlr adoption last year and I get two a year. If in ten years time he has questions I would welcome a letter from him asking me those questions and I would answer honestly but as gently as I could (you could cross reference with the later life letter to check no lies though some things might be left out which might be best atm)

I am a birth mum to a gorgeous ds and would hope they would come to me. It doesn't have to be phone or face to face. though you could ask to meet the birth mum and ask the questions. However she May not feel able to meet and may not be in a place in her life where she feels able to. I personally have done a lot of work to get better and I am getting better though still have more work to do

Winnie -I think you are probably right, if your DD is asking questions she is old enough to hear the answers. In fact, the usual advice is that she should know all the information you know BEFORE she hits puberty.

This is because questioning your identity is a normal part of adolescence . So it's not the ideal time to suddenly be given new information about yourself.

Also if children are told when they are younger, they tend to turn to their parents for their primary emotional support. teenagers have friends who play this role, and these can be hard issues for other teenagers to deal with. So adopted teens can feel very alone, especially if they don't have any friends In similar situations , through adoption support groups etc