Nervous - but here goes. Adopting as a single parent?

[approaching40notmarried]

Hi :)

I am mid-thirties.

I have certainly always wanted to be a parent but am forced to admit time is running out a bit for me to meet someone and have biological children with them.

Adoption seems a logical step in some ways - you know people say "oh why don't you adopt?" I'm not "one of those" people! I do think I'd like to adopt, though. So, some questions:

1. As a single mum, I'd like to adopt a girl, or girls (I would adopt two siblings.) Would this be a problem? I just don't honestly feel as a woman on my own I could meet a boy's needs.

1. I am comfortable but pinched - I earn a modest salary and it's entirely enough for me but a stretch for a family. Enough for a wet weekend in Wales but not much else!

1. I own my home - it's three bed with a garden - but small. A terrace. I'm guessing this would be OK?

1. I have no family support. Also, I'd have to work full time - would this be a problem?

What does terrify me is having so many aspects of my life turned over and uncovered.

Any thoughts?

I don't think having a "friends only" support network would count against you - people come to become adopters along all kinds of paths. Friends are the family you choose for yourself, and all that

I didn't discuss my hopes to adopt with others, until after I'd been to an Information evening, and had reasonable confidence it was a real possibility in my situation (38, widowed, no birth children). Then I just talked to two or three close friends, who I trust. I actually kept the number of people who knew pretty small until I passed my approval panel.

In terms of discussing sensitive topics, my social worker didn't plunge straight in. She wisely made sure we'd met several times and built a bit of professional trust before we hit the big questions. It's all confidential, and I didn't feel awkward (I really thought I would). And it's worth it in the end. I just tried hard to remember the original reasons for the questions: they are trying their best to make sure the child placed is a good emotional match, and will get a stable, supportive home. When focusing on that didn't help, I ate a lot of biscuits

I'm a single adopter, with 2 girls and a boy

When it comes to gender - what needs do you think a boy has that you can't meet?

One of the reasons I asked for a girl first time I adopted was because I thought that as single gay woman I would not be so well equipped to meet a boys needs. The thing is, after raising 2 girls and a son for some years, I've realised that I was completely wrong about that. I can meet a boys needs without issue

Girls need plenty of strong male role models as much as boys do, so that's not a difference. Talking about sexual issues? Well, at a young age it's no different to a girl really, and in a few years I don't expect that my being a woman is really going to pose a problem.

I don't regret my decision because obviously my decisions led me to my DD1. But if I were ever to adopt again, I wouldn't specify gender.

This is something you do need to consider, because ss need you to be able to justify your decisions and about age, gender, needs etc.

My home is also a little 3 bed terraced, it's not been a problem at all. I'm not at all wealthy, I have a pt minimum wage job, and we (me, DD2 and DS) live on the under £100 a week from that, plus the benefits I'm entitled to and my DD2's adoption allowance. obviously we have no luxuries, but we get by okay. I didn't work at all when I adopted DS (who is DD2's birth half sibling) and ss didn't mind

You don't need family support just support

Sources of support you may have but didn't realise you have

GP
Work
Adoption support groups
Friends

You will have health visitor/school
Adoption support team

Single mum of two here. No family support where I live. What I have found is that you can form very real frienships with others who your kids are friends with, or with other parents who you work with. Over time those friendships will give you the practical support you need in times of crisis or just when you want a play date with adult company. I had made up my mind to adopt before I talked about it with anyone too. Afterwards I found forums and blogs a great support and source of information and now have a lot of facebook friends who are adopters who I may never meet in real life but who 'get' where we are in life and offer great emotional support.

There are lots of single adopters and I think you have been given some good advice so far. I just wanted to add, that SW will expect you to take adoption leave and I was told to take at least a year off (I work within education and actually resigned from my post as my AD still needed me too). This is because you cannot put in for the AO until 12 weeks from placement (some adopters wait even longer). During this time you will be visited by the child/children's SW etc and you will also be learning about the child/children and how to parent etc.

Also, you have said you would be prepared to adopt a sibling group. Have you heard or read about trauma bonds? Many siblings have a trauma bond due to early life experiences and can be difficult to parent. Lastly, if you were to adopt an older child any additional needs (ASD, FAS, ADHD etc) will probably have been diagnosed (and may come with a financial/therapeutic support package) whereas adopting a preverbal toddler will have a lot of unknowns.

Thanks.

Oneofourliking - I don't feel, as a single woman without a father or a brother or male influences, I have "what it takes" to raise a boy. My own mother died when I was young and I certainly felt the loss of someone my own gender to talk about feminine matters with - I still do. It's a huge loss. It doesn't mean you personally can't parent a boy well or that any other single parent can't but it is something I feel wouldn't be right for me personally.

This could be something that could change, as somebody has already noted, but it would be possible for me to go for IVF or IUI with donated sperm and become a parent that way. I don't want to do this, although I must say having read some of the posts it is looking rather more appealing, but there does seem a difference between creating a new life and hopefully making an existing new life a happier one - on both sides, mine and the child's (I say "hopefully"!) Plus, since I doubt I would have the time, money or energy for multiple IVF, I wouldn't get to experience parenting more than one child and again this is important to me hence I would consider a sibling group. But most importantly, I can't of course specify gender. I'm not trying to sound as if I am mail-ordering a child: just the opposite, but I do have to be honest and explain that the difficulties I had as a pre-teen and adolescent girl growing up with a father are rather fresh in my mind in some ways and I just couldn't bear to think I had done the same. I need to reiterate that I'm not saying this is true of every single parent to a child of the opposite gender but since in my case it was and I have an obvious way to avoid it, I can.

Even if the child was fine with it, I wouldn't be - and to be honest, in my eyes that is reason enough not to do it. I think we all have "quirks" and leftovers from childhood and this is one of mine!

I'm not perfect and I can't pretend that I can tick absolutely all of the boxes. I haven't read up on trauma bonds - I'm not an expert, as I have neither been through the process nor worked within the authorities. I am an ordinary person who always thought she'd be a mother.

I know adoption isn't easy and nor should it be.

I know adoption shouldn't be an act of giving a little boy or girl a loving home but an act to become a parent and have a family.

I know many children will have problems and troubles.

I do know at least two people who adopted and did not take twelve months off work - one had six months, the other three. One was one boy and the other was a boy and a girl - sibling group. They both adopted in 2012. I would however be prepared to take a year off.

approaching40 - I'm a single adopter to a now 8 year old boy. I don't have much to add to some of the really good advice here.

Just to say I too wanted a girl so be careful what you wish for as I now spend SUnday mornings watching mini rugby and being tested on the Brentford strikers!

I'm a single adopter and was approved for a girl, for the reasons you have expressed. I was quizzed on these reasons (my SW missed her calling as an interrogator for MI5!) but it was agreed. I think she was glad I was honest from the start, rather than saying I would be happy with either gender but then dismissing all profiles of boys.

The hardest thing I've found as a single parent so far is when we're both ill. Never knew children were so generous with their germs!

I understand you not wanting to go down the donor route. I also do get you feeling that you would prefer a girl. The only thing I would say is to be open minded because in truth the difference between the child you have in your head and any real child is about 1,000,000 times bigger than the difference between any real boy or real girl.

Also depending on age and child the differences between boys and girls isn;t that big initally (and sometimes ever) and suddenly one day before you know it you are the proud mother of a strapping rugby player.

It just sneaks up on you - how to parent your own child is learnt in tiny increments over time - you don;t go into it knowing how to do it... mind you I probably thought I did!

Thank you both for your replies. I know what you mean Kewcumber and would "never say never" - but it would also be wrong for me to say at this stage "oh, I don't care, it makes no difference to me!" when it does :)

Don;t get me wrong - I cared too. I was sure I wanted a girl. Teh only reason I changed my mind (apart from teh selfish fact that younger boys were more readily available than girls) was that my sister (who has two boys and a girl) made it her mission over a 3 month period to convince me that boys were every bit as wonderful as girls and that I should really think about it before disregarding them.

If you want to know how shallow I am... I couldn't bring myself to agree to either until I'd spent about a month scouring childrens clothes departments and convincing myself I could buy boys clothes I actually like.

The irony is that DS was such a beautiful child that everyone thought he was a girl until he was about 4! And he such a vain little sod that he spends more time primping than I do (in between rolling in the mud at rugby).

I'm not trying to talk you out of what you want just telling you that I was exactly where you are and.... I've got a boy!

approaching40notmarried it looks like lots of people have added their views, which is great.

Can I just add one more point about the support. Try and make a list of the support you feel you do have and when you are at the initial stages try and get as much advice etc from social workers rather than just saying an outright I have no family support at the start. Because you may have much more support than you realise.

You mention IVF and of course if you did have that and wanted to ensure you had a girl you would have to have very complex IVF which is more expensive (and no idea where that is available).

I am very glad we did look at our little boy's profile but I totally get where you are coming from in wanting a girl and of course you will be able to talk to social workers etc about that. At the end of the day you do choose to accept a child whether the social worker suggests them or you find them through profiling events, national register etc, so no one can force you to have a boy.

Also, and ignore me if this is stating the obvious, but they will want to talk to your about your childhood and sad loss of your mother (I am so sorry, I have several friends who lost their mums when they were young and it is a massive thing). This is not to upset you but to say they will want to see you have dealt with this sorry enough to parent a child. A new baby born to you will not be as testing as an adopted child and most significantly will not have just lost their birth parents and foster parents, so you need to have processed all your own grief from the past. I know this is obvious but you just need to feel comfortable talking about it because they will ask.

Also, talking about all this stuff with us really is a help! If we sound frustrating or annoying or whatever just think, this is helping to prepare me for frustrating conversation with social workers.

I had the 'You've got a girl so you should get a boy next' conversation with a couple of social workers and it was hugely frustrating but part of the process was to have those conversations and remain calm. I expect they are nothing to the future conversations I might get into!

Well yes - but there is a difference to a polite enquiry and being vetted by social workers :)

approaching40notmarried I think it is useful to know why the vetting process is there. In the initial stages it is to make sure you are the right person to adopt and later it is to make sure you are matched with the right child or children. So although it may feel intrusive at times (to be honest it rarely did with me) it is for a purpose, a very major one and that helped me to keep on task and see it for what it was. In a funny way it is almost like a very extended job interview! For the toughest job you will ever do so it needs to be the toughest interview! BUT it is so rewarding in the long run (I hope) and over time the social worker becomes more like a friend (I miss our first one now!)

Yes, I realise why it is there, Italian.

However, what I was trying to politely say is that I came on here for information - not to myself be part of a vetting process. Please bear in mind that I have thought about adoption but my post yesterday was the first step towards that hypothetical process. Things that no doubt you are accustomed to are very raw and very new for me and I have felt as if I have had to justify myself somewhat.

You certainly do not need to justify yourself approaching40notmarried. I am sorry if it felt like that.

Yes, we are all a lot more accustomed to talking about all this and so it does come more naturally. Sorry if you felt we were asking a lot. I think we are all just responding to your comments and of course it must feel like a lot if you have only just thought of this.

Hi approaching, I'm prepared to say that I had a preference for a girl. We already had a birth son and frankly I wanted a little girl as well - not because I don't like parenting boys, I do, they're great (and certainly closer to me in so many eats than my pink sparkly princess DD). I just wanted to be a mum to a girl if I had a choice - and frankly one of the very few benefits of adoption over biological conception is the ability to choose gender.

If you feel strongly about this, then there's no point pretending otherwise - like all of these bits of detail you just need to be prepared to justify them to a SW and then potentially to an approval panel.

Sorry if you feel a bit got at - we're actually really nice on this part of the MN world, so please don't be put off coming back and asking more questions

Don't listen 40 - they aren't nice at all - especially if you're a single adopter they will wind you up incessantly about your sex-life and be big meanies to you.

shit - I mean love-life of course

I was probably being ridiculously sensitive, Families I think the explanations about support were hard - family died young - and then someone said over the page I think about "trying to meet a man" which also felt a little bit close to the bone.

I accept this is me being sensitive (and please don't say I would have far more invasive questioning from SW - I know, but I would be prepared for it in such instances!)

Eek, didn't mean to freak you out approaching, re the detail about SW questions! Fully appreciate you're exploring ideas and options at this stage, and there's tonnes to think about. You sound very emotionally sorted, and like you're thinking everything through slowly and carefully.

We did drown you in info a bit. If you can, do take it as our enthusiasm to recommend joining the adopter crowd, rather than any particular drum to bang. Hope you are OK.

And Kew excellent typo. Truly excellent. Paging Mr Freud...

I preferred a girl for other reasons than what I said, and as I said, certainly do not regret that choice

I don't think there's anything wrong at all with prefering one gender over the other - only that we have to try and work out why we prefer one and then articulate that to SS. You don't have to justify that to us, I never meant you to feel that way.

Should say "also preferred a girl"