Explaining to your adopted child that they were relinquished/freely given up.

[Anewfie]

I will soon need to start explaining to my adopted child that they were relinquished (freely given up) at birth. Does anyone have any experience, advice or resources on this subject they would share with me? To complicate things even more there are 2 half siblings who are older than my child and being raised by the BC. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I'm adopted and I have REAL parents...they brought me up, gave me away at my wedding and will be the grandchildren to my children. I may have a biological link to some randomer but that person is not a parent. Adoption shouldn't stray away from using the word 'real' because it suggests a biological link is more important than it is.

In response to the OP, had a book called 'Phil is adopted' and it was just a story about a boy who went to live with another family. My parents also made sure I had access to all my records and letters from social services recording my arrival whenever so it wasn't a big deal. The best bit was my second birthday where I got taken out for dinner to celebrate the date that I chose to live with them. Mum and Dad were always very clear that I chose to live with them and they were very happy I'd picked them. The fact I was 6 weeks old and thus incapable of rational choice didn't seem relevant when I was four.

OP, I wonder what your thoughts are re letterbox contact with BM? It sounds from your lack of knowledge regarding her that perhaps it has never been set up but that's not to say it couldn't be if both parties were willing. You could contact the adoption agency and ask them to contact BM to see if she would consider some kind if indirect contact that will help your child. Perhaps a one off exchange effete you can both ask each other questions or it may end up being something that takes place annually.

It seems strange that the agency haven't provided you with more info re BM and perhaps you could ask them about this too. It's doubtful that the situation was as simple as 'BM didn't want the child' and treated is every chance she would welcome the chance to hear from you too...

Hope this helps. Good luck x

Sorry for typos - night feeding! Hope you get the drift anyway...

Sorry, I haven't read the entire thread, but to my mind, giving up one's baby for adoption sounds so hard and so kind and loving at the same time. It may have been simple for the social worker to say the baby was simply not wanted, but some social workers are twats and I speak from experience.

More important to emphasis how much you wanted the child and that you honestly don't know why they were given up for adoption. I don't think the truth would necessarily be in a social worker's report.

Agree with Mexican that SW reports often don't reflect the truth - if only because birth parents may not trust social care proffs enough to disclose difficult info.

Birth parents are the only ones in the adoption triangle not to have their own SW and yet often they are incredibly vulnerable people, themselves the victims of incredibly toxic childhoods, IME.

Our DS was technically relinquished but a previous child was removed. We tell him that his birth mum "couldn't look after a baby" which means that it is not specific to him - it was not something about him that meant she did not "want" him. Where a family is able to parent other children perhaps something like "they could not look after a baby then"?

I have started a reply many times and have deleted many times because I am afraid to 'offend' someone on this thread but stuff it here goes:

I had a child 27 years ago. I soooo wanted him BUT I was 15!!! He WAS wanted but I was aware enough to know that neither him nor me would have the life we deserved if I was selfish and kept him.

I think of him all the time. He knows who I am and the reason I gave him up. I am his birth mother. I have no regrets he has had a great childhood with great parents and is now married and a fantastic married young man.

The truth is the best way forward without demonising the birth parents IMO

Bless you, voddie, for being strong enough to do the right thing.

I am also an adopted child and could be termed an 'unwanted' one as I was the result of an extramarital affair. My mother chose to give me away in order to keep her husband. And yet, although I was unwanted, my mother still cried when she handed me over to my mum at the adoption hearing. I am eternally grateful to my birth mother, my life has been wonderful. Mum is now 91 and slipping into the twilight of dementia, but each day with her is a blessing to me. And she considers her children (both of us are adopted) as God's biggest blessing in her life.

As far as the OP's question, as a child I was simply told that my mother couldn't take care of me and wanted me to have what she couldn't give me. As I grew older I asked more questions & they gave me more information. I was around 14 (old enough to understand sex and affairs) when she explained the exact circumstances.