Explaining to your adopted child that they were relinquished/freely given up.

[Anewfie]

I will soon need to start explaining to my adopted child that they were relinquished (freely given up) at birth. Does anyone have any experience, advice or resources on this subject they would share with me? To complicate things even more there are 2 half siblings who are older than my child and being raised by the BC. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Dosey - why are you referring to your birth parents as "real"? Please show some consideration and use acceptable terminology.

How long has DC been wth you?

Don't know if this is helpful, but my SW was talking about how it can be hardest to share life story facts when a baby is relinquished, and that in one case she knew in addition to the age-appropriate gentle honesty recommended in this thread already, the adoptive family told the story focussing on all the people who said "yes" to bringing this particular child into the family.

So it went something like: "we read all about you and we said yes, and then our social worker said yes, and then your social worker came to tea and she said yes, and then the panel said yes, and we were so excited. And then a bit later we went to see the judge and he said Yes, and we all celebrated because everyone agreed this was the right family to love and support you." The adopted child learned the story, joined in with each "yes" and as they grew older the parents added more detail.

I think the idea was to focus on the positive choices and the being wanted, and to gradually explain alongside this that "sometimes, even though they try very hard, some people know that they won't be able to do everything a baby needs. And that's sad for them, but they know babies need lots of care and so they make a plan for other people to do that." That was very clumsily put, but you get the idea. Kew said it better :-)

Easy on ecclefechan, dosey can call her family members whatever she feels fit.

I understand you might have issues with that but she is using what is most comfortable for her. No need to tell her to use appropriate language: she already is.

I got some great books about adoption from china recently, along with one about how babies are made and born. All age appropriate. There are a lot of children who were born in china and thiland now in our family. Your local library should have quite a selection to give you some ideas.

Thanks for that story "Polkadotpatty*, it's a good example for me to have in my head.

There's no need to be so explicit with this. Freely giving up a baby is not the same as 'not wanting it', and I don't think you should ever use that expression with him.

I am adopted and I always knew the story about my adoption, I was freely given up, but my BM/real mum (doesn't really matter how we phrase it TBH!), didn't have much of a choice. She was young, living in rural Ireland in the late 60's, and it would have brought huge shame to the family. So she went to London on the pretext of getting a job, had me and went home again. I could have been told she didn't want me, undoubtedly she was horrified to find out she was pregnant, but that's not the same as not wanting me, she did what she thought was best for her circumstances, and mine.

I grew up believing she loved me and made a very hard decision to give me a better life so my adoptive parents, who had been trying to conceive for 20 years!, came along and fell in love with me and adopted me. Suited me as a child and still does as an adult. I have seen my folder at the adoption agency and this doesn't change my views.

Thanks for sharing your story Sandyballs; it's very helpful.

Referring to birth parents as "real" parents isn't acceptable. My DD is being asked by her school friends about her "real" parents and finds it upsetting. If we condone it within the adoption "community" then we can hardly complain when others use such terminology.

Don't want to derail thread - just pointing it out to Dosey.

Ecclefechan - why would it be less upsetting for your DD to hear the phrase 'birth parents'. The bottom line is that they are talking about the same thing. I think you need to work with your DD as to why this upsetting her so much, rather than getting hung up on terminology.

It is Dosey's life, and yes she can refer to her parents (both sets) in whichever way she wishes. However, I don't agree that Ecclefechan is "getting hung up on terminology".

It is generally accepted within the adoption community that there are certain terms which are unacceptable (and to be honest insulting) to the various members of the adoption triangle.

Real parents - normally used to refer to the biological parents of the child. The flip side of this is that it implies that the adoptive parents are in some way unreal/made up/fake/pretend. Therefore it is quite easy to see why Ecclefechan's DD is upset by people using this term.

Natural parents - again normally used to refer to biological parents, with the implication that the adoptive parents are unnatural.

When referring to the biological parents it is normal for them to be called birth parents (birth mum, birth dad, birth siblings etc.), and the adoptive parents as adoptive parents when needing to differentiate, or just parents the rest of the time.

If you read the links in the posts above, you'll see that often the 'real' parent issue is high up on the list of things that are unacceptable to say to adoptive parents.

Sorry to derail the thread, but I think it's important that people are aware of what the appropriate terms for people are.

The thing with adoption, is that it's so intensely personal and your experience is unique enough that there is NO terminology which is appropriate for everyone. We have to choose what fits us and what fits our situation

Within the adoption community, I wish we could just respect what everyone else in the community wants to say. Respect for somebody else's intesely personal and unique experience goes a long way

I do understand the upset with the term real parents that can be caused

BUT it's okay for an adoptee to choose to use that term if they are most comfortable with it

I have an old friend, adopted in the 60's. Her adopters were physically and sexually abusive. Her childhood was hellish. When she found her mum, she never looked back. She uses the term "real mum" and I always cringe for her when someone takes offence at that. Her word choice shouldn't be questionned. It's her life, it's her experience. It would be very very rude and inappropriate to tell her that she shouldn't use the word real mum. And she would turn around and get angry at you and demand to know why she should call sexual abusers real parents etc etc. Within the adoption community, we need to be very very careful about respecting each other and remembering that we have no idea where other people may be coming from.

I totally agree, Lilka, I think for someone within the community, they can use whatever terms they like - they fully understand the situation and the implications terms can have for people in different situations, and chose the terms which best suit their own position and feelings.

However, for those outwith it, I do think sticking to the generally accepted terms is best and least likely to cause offence to the majority of people associated with adoption. I took exception with the implication that the terminology is just words and therefore meaningless - in such a highly sensitive and emotionally charge situation as adoption, they're anything but meaningless.

Oh absolutely it's different within and without the community

It all depends on whether someone is using, let's say 'real parents' - to refer to their own life "my adopters aren't my real parents", to refer to your life "lilka, you aren't a real parent' or to refer to everyone in general "adoptive parents aren't real parents"

The first is absolutely fine and right, the latter two are completely unacceptable

Someone outside the community can't be using the contentious phrase to refer to their own life only, they're talking either generally or about you, so it's offensive

Ive been on the receiving end of well intentioned "you shouldn't say that" and I feel offended by it when it happens

Okay, derailed the thread, im sorry

OP - My children weren't relinquished, but I think the route to explaining is quite similar whatever the circumstances. I think we have to stick to what's known. So if you don't know your dc's birth mother's reasoning behind her decision, it's better to say 'I don't know' than to speculate.

Maybe something like, "your birth mother didn't feel able to raise you herself"? If you don't fully know why, that's okay.

why would it be less upsetting for your DD to hear the phrase 'birth parents' sandyballs given your experience of adoption I'm amazed you don't get this! Surely its very common for children to find the term "real parents" used by others (often in the course of asking massively intrusive questions) about people they've never met before upsetting.

DS finds it upsetting, though its a bit hard to tell whether its the context its (always) asked in or the term itself. Like everyone else has a real parent and he's the only one who has a pretend one.

I support an adoptee using whatever language they choose as their right but I don't agree that there shouldn't be a generally accepted terminology that the general public should be encouraged to use. Much in the same way that I would discourage DS from using nigger as a descriptor even if his friends are using it about themselves.

As it happens I've never actually heard an adult adoptee call their brith parents "real" parents before so I've never dealt with it in real life. In DS's mind "real" doesn't differentiate his birth mother from me as we are both real parents so it doesn't have much point.

I like POlkadot's advice about focusing on teh positive rather than the negative. I'm a single adopter and I have always dealt with lack of a father figure - partly by acknowledging the loss but also saying "but we do have a Nanny, UNcle Ian, Auntie Wendy etc etc"

You need to refer to the life story book

Polkadotpatty thanks for your comments they are very helpful. I think that is what impresses me about the adoption process now, it is a whole load of people who say yes, a prospective adoptive parent or two, two social workers, a family finder, a panel and others too.

I think you need to work with your DD as to why this upsetting her so much

Now why didn't I think of that

Ecclefechan you can now see where you have been going wrong! Hallelujah praise be!

Can you tell her she's lucky to have you maybe?

Ecclefechan vey sorry to hear your dd is having a difficult time.

OP I think there is often more to a full picture than just the words on a report, as others have said there may have been circumstances beyond control but I would never invent things to add into their life. It must be very hard and I sometimes think with a whole range of life stories there are different ways of reading into it. I personally think for most birth mums it would be very hard to relinquish a baby, even if they felt it was the right thing to do, so whatever it said on paper I would feel that it must have not been an easy thing to do. I hope you find some good resources on line, and if you do, please tell us.

I really do not know if it is helpful to say this but there are various forums, especially in the USA, for birth mothers, or what are sometimes called 'first mothers' who share their experiences and pain. Some say they gave up their child out of a sense of expectation, (that they would do that). This may have been many years ago. Of course nowadays we may feel people have a choice and can do what they like, the social conventions etc are not there that require women to be married, or even in a relationship, to have a baby or create a family. But there may still be some women who, for whatever reason, find it impossible to parent that baby and they know that is the case.

I must warn you some of the language used on these sites may be difficult to read and some people who relinquish their baby and bitterly regret it. So the language may be harsh. I guess I just feel in each situation one may be trying to connect with the other person and see their humanity. I just wonder if any of these forums might give you some insight or wording to help you express things in a way that will be helpful in the future, and if not, please ignore me (I am not yet a mum to a child through adoption and may be talking out of my a&!9^'@!!)

I'm an adoptee too and I would never use the terms " real parents" or " natural parents ". First , because it's extremely offensive to many people . It's saying " oh well I don't mean it in an offensive way " doesn't make it ok. No one thinks it's Ok to say " paki" or " poof" as long as you don't mean it.

I know there is a debate among certain communities about " reclaiming " words eg the way some lesbians use the term " dyke " but I'm not sure that's relevant here.

I also wouldn't say real/natural parents because it's inaccurate. The issue is not the reality or naturalness of any of the adults concerned. It's the part of " being a parent " that they do .

The biological or birth parents pass on their genetic material and, in the mothers case, carry the child and give birth.

They may or may not do any of the parenting of the child -the social care which is what most children think of as being a mother or father.

And in the case of adoption, the adoptive parents are also the ones who are the legal parents .

In some families, the same two people do all these parts of being a parent. But in many families -adoptive, foster, extended, step, same sex couples - they don't. So I don't find the real /unreal natural /unnatural distinction very helpful or inclusive .

I remember flattening a child on the school playground with a right hook who delighted in correcting me on several occasions that my "(adoptive) brother was not my real brother." And that I should therefor "not call him your brother".

The word "real" still delivers a sucker punch to my chest when I see it used in adoption forums.

It is an extremely emotive word for so many of us.