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Adoption

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Original poster

FC contact

15 replies

Buster51 · 16/02/2014 08:00

Good morning.

Almost 4 months into placement with DS. From the start we have talked openly about FC etc, its normally every few weeks he pops out with questions like "she did love me", "she didn't want me" - or sometimes it's just general chit chat.

I recently decided to have a Skype conversation with her, me & DS. It went great. He seemed to proudly show her his new home & all of his new things. Whilst on the call he asked me for permission for certain things which I thought was nice. It was only very recent so I'm yet to see if this will have affected DS at all, if it will??

I did it because I felt why should he not know that these people loved him, & that they haven't just disappeared from his life.

We didn't have a hand over where my FC came to our home & "passed him over", which is something I feel would have helped with the attachment process - so I'm hoping this kind of will. FC spoke about his new family & loving his new mummy etc.

I hope I have done the right thing for DS? It was also lovely for FC to see DS happy & well as they loved him dearly.

Have any of you any experience of doing this? Is it normally a "right" or "wrong" (I realise depends on child/age etc) to do.

I suppose I am just trying to put my mind at rest that I have done the best thing for DS. It was his interests that I solely had in mind.

I remember another thread on this recently but I cannot find it?!

Thanks

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 16/02/2014 09:59

Buster I am not yet an adopter and you are further along than me but I think it sounds like you did 100% the right thing. I am sure I will do the same or similar.

fasparent · 16/02/2014 10:47

Great well done been FP for 38 years we do similar, though every child and family's situation is different, but we are always here for support, advice and help if needed. In our situation many would be married have family's of their own, so for some FP like us where lot's and lots of children have been placed can be difficult and most times impracticable too maintain contact. Though we miss and will continue too love them all.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 16/02/2014 11:17

My DC's foster carers are very present in my children's lives.

DS sees his FC once or twice a year ( or more often if we happen to be passing - she has an open door policy to all her ex foster children and their families)

DD's foster carer has become a good friend to me. She is very much like a special Auntie to both DD and DS. We meet up often, she comes to birthday parties and for dinner with the rest of her family and has even babysat for me on occasion!

I think it is good for adopted children to maintain contact with their FCs.

Original poster

Buster51 · 16/02/2014 14:02

Oh great I'm glad it seems quite the norm! :)

He is absolutely fine his usual happy self, if anything seems even more relaxed so perhaps it was the right thing to do :-)

OP posts:

KristinaM · 16/02/2014 15:19

I think as long as the foster carers are supportive of the adoption and the child wants to, you should keep in touch as long as possible. I am still in " exchange of Christmas card/photos " type contact with One set of FC after more than 15 years.

Skype or FaceTime sounds perfect for a younger child - well done buster for being so attuned to your child's needs .

Happiestinwellybobs · 16/02/2014 15:27

We see DD's FC about twice a year, regularly send emails with pictures and news, and do Christmas cards.

We talk about them with DD, so for example she has a toy that I say "FC bought you that when you lived at their house". She is nearly 3 and been with us for nearly 2 years now, but I view them very much as part of her extended family and want her to know who they are. Would add that we have a very positive relationship with them. I know that this isn't always the case with FC however.

Original poster

Buster51 · 16/02/2014 15:55

Yes that is very much how I am, we often talk about toys he has from FC & places he went to, we are very open about it. I just feel they were such an important part of his life for a long time in his little life, the more love the better in my eyes. They've undoubtably help to make him he is the boy today so it's lovely for them to remain in touch.

Thanks all :-)

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 16/02/2014 17:57

We did something similar with our dd, the foster carers were very much involved with the introductions and they also came to our house about 11 weeks after placement.

It really helped both me and our dd. I could see how much she'd started to transfer her attachment from them to is. And she understood that people who she loves and love her don't disappear.

MuseumOfHam · 16/02/2014 18:11

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. DS has been here 5+ years now and on going contact with FC, talk about FC and the other children who were there, toys he has had that came from FC' s, talk about his birth city, are occasional but important parts of life. We try to visit her, and his birth city, once a year. It's his roots trip I think it gives him a connection and understanding of where he has come from, he was loved, and people don't disappear.

Floraclare · 16/02/2014 18:29

We were advised that it was important for them to see the foster carers again. We had a meeting arranged within the first two weeks our AS was home to help him understand that people just don't disappear. We now see them every couple of months and I think it has all been very positive

Original poster

Buster51 · 16/02/2014 20:19

Aw great thank you all, I must say I have has a brilliant day with little one today, it may sound mad but I can see changes in him already! Even happier little man today :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Buster51 · 17/02/2014 08:08

He must have read my mind a sad little boy today, lots of cuddles, understanding & reassurance from mummy. Although we spoke on Skype it isn't appropriate or even feasible really for us to meet (which I know he would like to). I have tried to explain this, but what kind of reasons do you normally give your lo's if they can't see someone??

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2014 13:12

This is totally off my own bat, I could be wrong but how about getting him to make a thing (a card, a little light model etc) and posting it to Foster Carer and then doing a Skype where she holds up the thing and thanks him for it. To show there is that real physical connection but explain that it is too far to go by car at the moment. (??) Experienced adopters please correct me if I am wrong!

KristinaM · 17/02/2014 14:26

I just understand why it's not feasible to meet soon ( if they live hundreds of miles away ) but Dont understand why it whouldnt be appropriate?

Bananaketchup · 18/02/2014 20:23

Very timely thread for me, as we met with FCs for the first time at the weekend, 5 months into placement. I was very anxious about fallout but so far so good here - DD actually has been more affectionate to me than usual, but not in a clingy way iyswim.

What the visit brought home to me was that as much as I wanted to do it so the DCs could see that people who love them don't disappear, actually in our case, at this point in time, the visit was more for the FCs benefit. Maybe the balance of that would have been different earlier in placement. Not that it wasn't to the DCs benefit, it was, but it was so clear how huge it was for the FCs, they had moved heaven and earth in their own lives for 3 hours with us, and it brought it home to me what a hard job they do and how at the mercy of SS and/or adopters they are. I do hope my DCs one day understand how loved they are and what an amazing thing the FCs did for them, loving them and caring for them and then letting them go with smiles.

Buster no advice re how you explain why DS can't see the FCs, if it's not possible - in our case FCs were moving house after mine left so it was easy to explain they were busy with that but we'd see them once they'd settled in their new house. Is it not going to be possible for you to meet the FCs - meet half way or something?

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