Considering adoption

[OrchidFlakes]

We are starting to think about DC2 and adoption is an option for us. DS (birth child) is 18 months so within the next year we need to decide if we are going to try for birth child 2 or complete our family adopting.

Is there any books or sites you can recommend we can start looking at to educate ourselves - everything from the legal process, cost (if any), SW involvement on our DS life (for example he his partially vaccinated and we won't be completing his vax due to health issue - would this cause eyebrows to be raised) right through to more general queries as to whether we could potentially specify gender or choose a name for the adopted child - I assume not but I just don't know.

If we did adopt we probably would want DScto be at least 4 so he had an understanding of the process and we would then look to adopt a child younger than him but not overly fussed about a baby specifically.

Hi, it's impossible to cover everything here but I strongly recommend you look at the adoptionuk.org website where it covers everything.

I started the adoption process when my birth child was 2, and dd2 arrived when dd1 was rising 5. Agencies like the adopted child to be the youngest by at least 2 years, and preferably more. I agree with you that by 4 they are getting sufficient understanding. Your birth child will be assessed as part of the process.

The process is basically:

• contact a number of agencies to talk through if you might be a good match for them (you can ring any local authority within an hours' travel, or a voluntary agency). They don't take on anyone with the potential to be a good adopter - they are looking for specific demographics to match with children they have coming up, so don't be put off if the first agency isn't keen.

• they will offer you information - perhaps an information evening - and after that you confrm if you are definitely interested, and they decide whether to take you on.

• Once they do, you will be invited to a preparation course. These vary, mine lasted a week. Then onto home study, when your allocated social worker visits you regularly to build up a picture of who you are individually and as a couple. They will also seek references including a medical and financial info.

• If they're still happy with you at the end of this process, and you still want to go ahead, you go to approval panel where you will be approved as an adopter (usually for a defined category of child e.g. I was approved for a girl of mixed heritage aged 0-2).

• Your agency may then have children for you to consider, or you can look at online profiles. You may go to adoption days or similar. After a few months you will probably go on the National Adoption Register.

• At some point a child's social worker will like the look of you and visit you at home about a particular child. They will tell you all about the child, show you photos, and ask you about yourself. If you are keen to proceed, and they want you to adopt this child, you are 'linked'.

• Some weeks later, you will go to 'matching panel' where the match is confirmed. There is a frenzy of planning. You will often meet the child's foster carer at this stage.

• Within a few weeks (usually) you meet your child! This is called 'introductions' - for a very young child, it usually takes place over a week. At the end of introductions you take your child home and start family life together.

• Social workers continue to visit and monitor you. After a while (6 months usually) you can apply to court to finalise the adoption. And then you get on with it!

With domestic adoption, there are generally no costs (sometimes you get charged for the medical) but you do have to be able to take a serious chunk of time off work - they like a year.

Once a child is legally yours you can do what you like with their name, but it is generally disapproved of to change their name (see the current thread 'a rose by any other name'). You can specify a gender, but be prepared to be grilled as to why. With vaccinations, yes the social worker will want to explore this with you. If there are specific medical reasons for not vaccinating your birth child they will understand this, but would probably take a dim view of you being anti-immunisation on principle.

I'm sure you know that adopted children all come with additional needs, some very traumatised, and the prep and home study is all about educating you on this and ensuring you are ready for it and able to live with a degree of uncertainty. Sometimes this feels very depressing. But if you hang about on the adoption board you will also pick up on the love and happiness our children bring us as well. Adoption has been fantastic for my family.

Well, I am SO glad I refreshed the page to check if there were any replies before I typed a mega essay Devora covered everything I was going to say

Anyway, hi and welcome

The process of becoming approved has changed since Devora and I did it. It's a 2 stage process which is supposed to last about 5 months from when the adoption agency approves your application to adopt.

There are loads of places you can find out information. Have a browse of our board here, and feel free to ask us any questions whatsoever and we'll try our best to answer and point you to more resources

You can visit the First4Adoption website which explains the process in detail and has a lot of information

Your local county/city council adoption section (or neighbouring local authority or a voluntary agency in your area) will hopefully have detailed information on their process, perhaps a downloadable information pack explaining how it will all work with them. You can approach multiple agencies initially and choose the one which is the best fit - you like them, they are enthusiastic about you

Your DS will in all likelihood have to be at least 3 and a half to 4 before an agency will let you start the process, as there needs to be a 2 year age gap between your DS and a new child

Hi OrchidFlakes and welcome. Devora and lilka are experienced adopters so I can't compete with them in the information stakes. Although I was approved more recently than them (and am not yet matched) the process that me and my DH went through sounds similar to Devora*. We also have a birth child.

The process for us was - info evening, visit with social worker in our home (they did look round the house), half day 'loss awareness workshop', three day prep group, home study, which included medicals from the GP, form filling, referees etc, then going to panel followed by a ten week parenting course.

My question to you is why you want to adopt rather than have another birth child? And I feel sure this will be the question the social workers will have for you. So your research into all this needs to answer that question for you, both you and your partner.

Personally, I really wanted to adopt for years but I also wanted another birth child, and several years of expensive IVF later and I was ready to adopt. Many people know they do not want another birth child and that is great, but you will be grilled on it, and you owe it to yourselves to know for sure what you would like to do, as most people do not go on to have more birth children after adopting.

Please ask me if anything is not clear. I really wish you all the best.

Good luck, it is exciting and personally I am so pleased we chose this route.