Tired and fragile

[roadwalker]

This is both me and DD. She hasn't slept a full night since way before christmas
She periodically goes through very sad and clingy phases. I cannot go to the toilet without her getting upset that I am leaving her, I am sleeping with her- its the only way to keep her in bed- and she is very restless
I know we will get through this but I am so tired
I am letting things get to me too. All the TV programmes and threads on here are upsetting me
I once posted on the feminist board, it was when I was having a hard time with feelings about BM and the hard life my poor DD will have. Her BM is not typical in that she had a good education and career and is not from a dysfunctional family. She wanted to experiment with different lifestyles
Anyway I thought there may be room for a debate on the feminist board about how to protect unborn babies whist still respecting womens rights
I was shot down in flames, told to FO
I shouldn't have gone there, especially as I was feeling so bad at the time. I can't shake off what one poster said though
She said people like me shouldn't be allowed to adopt and the process should have discovered what I was like
I cannot believe this has got to me so much. We have given so much and love our DD. We have changed our lives totally because of what she is able to manage. I feel dumb that words on a screen can upset me so much

Hello

I have not yet adopted so I dont feel I have any constructive advice about your DD and how to get you through it but I didnt want to read and run.

In regards to others views its precisely that. You have been through a complicated, extensive and intrusive process to have your DD although not through traditional methods you love her all the same and if your SW etc who have met you and approved you then you have every right to have your daughter with you.

Emotions especially when tired can run off on their own and my advise would be to temporary leave that discussion, its obviously not doing you good.

Unless others have walked in your shoes they have no right to comment about you personally. Its much easier to be nasty on forums where you dont see the hurt and pain your words cause. Try and keep your chin up and hopefully someone with experience of helping your DD settle at night will come along soon. How old is DD? As the advise would probably be quite different depending on her age.

CC
xxx

No it's not dumb. It's easy to talk about having a thick skin, but actually being immune to people saying horrible things is another thing entirely. We're human. We need support from other people. We can't just take constant difficulties and then people being nasty and just brush it off indefinitely

But listen to this and repeat - you are a fantastic mother You have indeed given your life for your precious daughter, and who would be a better mum than you? Certainly not someone whose attitude towards the complex issues with birth families and abuse is 'oh you couldn't possibly be angry about it, you should only ever be sympathetic'

I got a couple of stupid comments on that thread too. One stands out now - someone insisted that it's very different when your child is hurt by their birth parents as opposed to a stranger, and obviously it feels way worse and is more angering and upsetting for a child to be abused by a stranger. Still not quite sure what the right reaction is - laugh? Shake head? Groan? Either way, there poke the voice if an unexperienced and exceedingly naive idiot

You're going through so much right now, what support are you getting? Do you have people you can talk to? Also, I found myself going through a horrid patch where I felt extremely vulnerable and fragile and found myself more hurt by bad comments than ever before. I ended up realising that I had depression. It might sound a bit off but something to think about if you're feeling unusually low or fragile for a longer period

xxxx

If I could reach through the screen and give you a masdive hug I would xxxx

Please darling roadwalker shake your head and shake those words out of your head. They are NOT for you. They are the words of an ignorant person who does not know you or your dd or your situation.

The feminist boards are great for discussing stuff in general but really personal stuff you have to be careful because everyone is blinkered to some extent by their own thoughts and their own experiences and they do not know your experiences. They are not necessarily bad people but just ignorant of your circumstances. Those posters who said hurtful things, as Crafty says, have NOT walked in your shoes. They do not know you are your DD your.

Please do whatever little thing you need to do to wash that out of your mind.

I am a Christian and I would probably pray and mentally leave those things/words (we say at the foot of the cross) or I would write them on a piece of paper and burn in, or shred it (please do not set the house alight if you are very tired!).

Or I would make myself a nice warm bowl of soup and as I eat it I would say that as this soup goes down and disappears into my system so those words are going to get annihilated (I mean destroyed utterly, obliterate – so no more power to hurt you) by my stomach acid! And when they come back and haunt you I would say I eat/burnt/shredded you so F*ck right off! (I rarely swear so please believe me I am so mad on your behalf and I so much want you to find some way of getting this out of your head!).

You are an inspiration to me and I am so angry that anyone who does not know you can judge you, but sadly that is what the internet and mumsnet can be quite good at - judgement! By posting you allowed those people to step into your situation, but they don't know it and they don’t know you! Now you must allow those voices to go out of your head. For your own sanity. You are a brilliant person and so if your DD, I am sure, but she is very challenging and you need to face her without this criticsm in your head.

Roadwalker it's a bit early for lunch but I've heated a big bowl of butter bean and chorizo soup and I'm eating it, thinking of you and praying that you will be free of those harsh voices.

As far as the sleep goes, can you get some help from somewhere?

Is your DD having therapy. Is it helping? has something set her back? Does she have any comfort objects she can take with her? Sleep with? Etc. I am sure you have explored all that, I am very ignorant of these things so ignore any unhelpful comments.

Also like lilka wishing I could send a hug!

Roadwalker, I am so sorry this happened to you. Your love for your child jumps off the page. I hope you will move past any upset you found here and concentrate on those that support and encourage you. I am sending you loads of good wishes. I hope that you will look after yourself. Be very gentle to you...xx

road walker, how old is your DD?

Im a Foster carer to a 3 year old (emotionally more 2) and he is the same - clingy, sleepless nights, angry etc.

Firstly, I think you need to tackle the sleep issue. Its hard because you clearly love your little girl to bits, and would already move mountains to make her feel better, but you both need your sleep.

My advice is to pick a long weekend, and do rapid return to bed for a couple of nights. Put her back to bed if she gets out. sooth her when she cries. But leave her to it for a minute or so each time. She will not die from seperation anxiety. Its controlled crying in a way, but not so bad that you feel you are damaging the child. Be available by unavailable. After 3 nights, you should be getting some decent sleep in your own bed and the world will look better. In the day time, let your other half have some bonding time with her. ALso, you might want to look at him/her doing a night of put downs. Get yourself some earplugs and leave him/her to it.

You need to think of this as being cruel to be kind - your DD needs more restful sleep. More sleep will help her cope better with the world. And you too!

Secondly, adopt the idea that those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter. There are so many critics out there who will tear holes in your ideas and your parenting and everything else. Consider whether their opinion is actually important to you. If your best mate told you you were being XYZ, then yes, be concerned. If its some random person on an internet forum? Meh. WHo cares what they think. They know nothing. They could be a 20 stone hairy handed trucker called Brian wanting to pull your chain.

Take from the internet that which strikes a chord with you - the things that make you go "hmm - I might try that". The rest is just a soap opera for your entertainment.

Finally, trust your new mummy instincts. You know your DD best now, so go with what feels right to you.

Be kind to yourself. You ARE a good mother.

I have had to try very hard to avoid many threats recently about the adoption programme that was on TV and a few others I can't remember. People are so ignorant of what we all go through to get to where we are now and what some of us will always be going through.

Ignore them, they are fools

I'm sorry I missed that thread - I would have had something to say. ..

Roadwalker, my angry scared distressed daughter had me at my wit's end last night. It did not result in a display of mothering at its finest. If anyone had given me a lecture at that point I would have cried.

Big hugs to you.

Thank you everyone
I know it is because I am exhausted, and today was supposed to be my day off and I got called in to a work meeting pm today!
There are some wise words here and I will take them all on board
My DD is 8. I think she goes through phases where she struggles to make sense of her feelings and she has always been very extreme in her behaviours
She was a toddler when placed and could have 6+ hour tantrums. I have always been amazed by how extreme she is
She has made good progress in many ways
I am going to ring pediatrician tomorrow (she has melatonin) to see if she can get anything prescribed
Other than than I think we have to keep her feeling secure, suppress any irritation and know we will get through this
And, I have to be careful what I put on any other board!
Thanks again. I feel much better for your kind words

I used to spend time on the feminist board and it can get pretty heated I think the whole point of it as a place is that it's a space to view everything through a feminist prism and I don't think adoption should really be looked at through any prism.

You and your unique situation with your dd and your feelings about her bm might just be personal and entirely subjective and that has to be absolutely fine because of the amazing job you're doing to give a young woman a future.

So fuck 'em

Glad your feeling a bit better lovely xxx

Regarding the sleeping, would sitting with her in her bed till she falls asleep work? What about letting her sleep with something of yours? A teddy that she knows you love (so they can take care of each other) or something with your scent on it? A tshirt perhaps? Just something to settle her a little if she stirs?

I am not a mum so please take my advise with a pinch of salt.

Sending hugs your way xxx

Roadwalker...... So sorry you are having a tough time. If I remember correctly your dd has the same diagnosis as my dd2 and dd3.
People are still so ignorant about adoption and so many do not want to learn.
It is not since I joined mumsnet that I realised this

Roadwalker, I hope you are feeling ok. Please try and shake unkind words out of your mind from the other thread - I know that's hard particularly when you feel vulnerable and tired. You are in my thoughts. X

I think the FWR board works on the assumption that when there is a conflict between the rights of two parties, say a woman and her child, the woman's rights must always come first. Whereas most AP would take the view that the child's rights must come first. So it's not necessarily the most useful place to talk about adoption issues. Or indeed other issues where both the perpetrator and victim are female.

Poor you. Message boards can be a place where bullies thrive, and the response you got wasn't feminism it was bullying.

I came off another adoption forum because I asked an innocent question and got an absolute roasting for it. It still upsets me when I think about it now. The people who do it probably wouldn't dream of doing it face to face.

It seems that maybe you're so fragile and very down that you're focussing your upset on the comments you got on the other thread instead of addressing what's really bringing you down. Can someone help you with those things instead?

Frankly those other posters can fuck off themselves. I've come to the conclusion that there are very few places on MN where it is possible to have a sensible conversation about adoption issues with people who either have a bit if knowledge, a bit of compassion, or the ability to recognise their ignorance and post / listen accordingly - here, the fostering board and the SEN board.

Op dont know much about adoption but do know my friend adipted and her dd had seperation anxiety. She managed to dig out the teddy she haad when she was little and gave it to her dd wlalong with a talk about how she wanted her to have something that had been with her all her life. It didn't cure it but it did ease things though she now lives in abject fear of old ted getting lost.

Dont know if it helps but maybe worth a thought