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Original poster

What are the most important things to remember about a match?

21 replies

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2014 20:22

When trying to navigate this adoption option can you advise what are the most important things to remember about a match, in your humble opinions?! (Please!)

OP posts:
Hels20 · 27/01/2014 22:02

Have sent you a separate PM. But I think it is a gut feel and to be honest I knew what I wasn't looking for rather than what I was.

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2014 22:17

Thanks Hels20.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 28/01/2014 05:25

Make the right decision....

Sorry if that doesn't sound helpful, but what I mean is I know some people "knew" when the match was right, others were more clinical in looking at profiles. But most important, IMO, is not to feel pressured to proceed if you aren't sure, or gouty about turning profiles down if they aren't right for you.

Sadoldbag · 28/01/2014 11:17

Don't leave it up to a social worker

You wouldn't let them choose a car or a house for you so don't leave such a big decision up to someone you have only known for 12 months be pro active a start looking yourself.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 28/01/2014 16:20

I agree with the gut feeling, but for me it was along the lines of, "Can I imagine myself parenting this child?"

Daisiemoo · 28/01/2014 21:14

Hi guys, reading this Post with great interest and wondered if you give more advice please?
We were offered a child 2 days after matching, sounds fab doesn't it? However the child is not right for us, so we have said no.
I've spent the last few nights awake feeling like the most horrid person in the world. Does everybody feel like this when you say no? The child has no idea we've rejected them as they don't know anything about us, I know I'm being silly but feel rotten. Please set my head straight! Will it be like this every time we say no?

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2014 21:45

Daisiemoo it has to be right, and I feel if you are adopting as part of a couple you need to agree, so even if one of you is against then it is not right.

Be nice to yourself. This thing is difficult!

OP posts:
crazeekitty · 28/01/2014 21:53

Daisiemoo... Maybe think how would you feel if you said "yes" out of obligation then couldn't parent the child and meet his / her needs because it was never the right match?

I had an instinctive gut feeling when I saw ad's profile. Then I double checked myself by asking if I could meet each of the challenges I knew she and I would face.

Even so, she has more issues and presents more challenges than anyone ever imagined and they are only just coming to light. Bonding between us is proving really challenging. What keeps me going is that I made a commitment to her. It is my responsibility to see that through. If I had been pushed into a match through guilt / pressure / suggestion of sws rather than my own decision then I think I would be pretty angry at them by now and that would be wasted emotion and energy.

Funnily enough, I've only just remembered that before ad's profile I was shown another profile and felt guilty about saying no. Do you know, as soon as I committed to ad I didn't give the other profile a second thought. Isn't that strange? And I know I'm not horrible, I just know I've given the right child for me their forever family and I'm sure the other child will have a family that feels the same.

RabbitRabbit78 · 28/01/2014 21:55

The best advice I was given (by the head of fostering and adoption at our LA no less) was:
You won't know if it's right, but you'll definitely know if it's wrong.

Daisiemoo · 28/01/2014 22:06

Thanks guys, yes we are adopting as a couple. DH is in complete agreement, the child wasn't right. I think I was on such a high after panel I'd forgotten all the rubbish stuff, like the CPR's.!!
You are right of course, it has to feel right and then we have to ask ourselves if we can parent the child and meet their needs. I want to make sure that we get this right as this is our lives forever!
Thanks again, just needed telling, I'm ok now and will sleep tonight! X

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2014 22:43

Daisiemoo I am so pleased you feel a sense of peace. I do often remember that in years to come the social workers will not be around, neither will they other staff. They are not doing their job for life, but we as parents are!

Rabbit that is very interesting.

crazeekitty thanks for sharing. Can I ask roughly how old your child is and roughly how long they have been with you, please? I am always mega worried of outing people by asking for details so please do not say too much! Feel free to change the details or message me or ignore me!

OP posts:
crazeekitty · 28/01/2014 23:13

I've not learnt how to message you Italian... And we are talking on two separate threads so I'd like to.

Don't worry about outing. I think most people blur the details sufficiently anyway.

In answer to your qs... 9ish and a few months.

crazeekitty · 28/01/2014 23:13

I mean she is 9ish and has been with me a few months

TeenAndTween · 29/01/2014 09:53

Hels20. I think it is a gut feel and to be honest I knew what I wasn't looking for rather than what I was.

What Hels said.

We turned down a match. It looked good on paper, but it didn't feel right. We lost out on 2 other matches after SWs visited us and another couple. Our eventual match had some things wrong with it in some ways: both the children were outside our expected age range and the gender combination was not as we had envisaged. But it felt right.

Other than that:

  • if anything about the match is outside your initial tick list, you must question why you made the orginal choice, and what makes you think you can accept it now
  • do you think you are getting full and accurate info from SS. Now is the time to question and ask for more details
  • check how up to date the CPR is, especially for a young child, speak to someone who know the child personally
  • can you cope with the level of contact expected
  • can you cope with their lifestory
  • can you cope with calling out the names in the playground (shallow, but a name is important which is why you can't change them)
  • can you imagine family life with this child

(adopted over 6 years ago, still going well).

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2014 11:35

TeenandTween thanks so much, and to one and all. You mention a name. I wonder if I can start a thread to discuss that or is it just too hot a topic!

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 29/01/2014 12:14

Some children's names are unusual but grow on you.
With one of our potential matches the name was not rare but I had problems with it and struggled to imagine myself using it.

I think our children's names are lovely. This definitely helped with my bonding process. To be honest, having names that fit in with our wider family has also probably helped my children integrate into our family both from their side and the family's.

Yes it is shallow, but names are important (just look at the baby name threads). You can't change a child's names when placed except in exceptional circumstances. So you do have to believe you can live with the name.

TeenAndTween · 29/01/2014 12:17

(though it could be that the name thing was something tangible for me to notice when other stuff about that match also didn't feel quite 'right').

Hayleyh34 · 29/01/2014 12:20

Just to say the opposite of above. Our DD's name was not one that we would every have chosen. Didn't fit in with names used within our family at all.

Has not had any effect on us bonding with her and 3 years on, we don't even notice it. We love her, not her name

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2014 12:34

I've started a thread about names so people can share specifically about that if they wish to.

Thanks

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/1981964-A-rose-by-any-other-name-would-smell-so-sweet

OP posts:
Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2014 12:34

Thanks again Hayley and T and T.

OP posts:
JammieMummy · 30/01/2014 00:29

I would say one word should be at the front of your mind when considering a potential match...FAMILY

Do you see this child as part of your family, will her interest and behaviour fit in with your family, will you enjoy experiencing family life together, can you meet his/her needs in your family etc

You went through the adoption process to complete your family and so you are looking for the missing piece, is this child it?

Before DD we were matched with 2 LO's. After talking to everyone and reading reports we felt we could parent them, but it would mean a lot of sacrifices on our part and on theirs. We felt that eventually someone would resent the other; either us as we could no longer do the things we loved or them because our family life didn't naturally suit them. For this reason we turned down the match and when DD came along we just knew she was the missing piece of our family puzzle. We finished reading her CPR looked at each other and said yes we didn't even need more information (not advising that just saying how it was for us).

Good luck with your search

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