Meeting Birth Parents

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

We meet the birth parents of our soon to be DD tomorrow. Does anyone have any ideas on questions to ask? They both have Learning Disabilities and she has never lived with them.

Any help gratefully received!

Hi I'm going to copy and edit job on something I wrote before on here, hope that's okay! Sorry for the length!!

"I have met my DD2 and DS mum several times, but the first was very emotional!

When it comes to thinking of questions, try and think of what you would want to know if you were an adult adoptee. If you knew nothing about your birth parents, what would you want to know the most? There may be some questions that are unique to your childs background you would want to ask.

However, some ideas, which I asked about (though some might not be appropriate for your situation)

• Why did you choose x to be her name? (I think this one is nearly always asked)
• Do you have any special dreams for her or things you really hope she can do/achieve?
• Is there anything particular/important you want x to know about you when she is older?
• What hobbies etc did you enjoy as a child? (DD2 is skilled with her hands at sewing etc, and I know from meeting her that her mum is as well. She likes to know where she got it from!)
• Do you think x looks like/takes after any particular family member?
• Any health conditions in family that might be passed on?
• What would you most like to read about/hear about x in the letterbox letter? (if applicable. DD's mum really wanted to hear about some aspects of her life, and that helped me write the first letters)
• Do you remember her birth, can you tell me about it so we can tell x her birth story if she ever wants to know it?

Other tips for the meeting:

1. However emotional it is for you, it will most likely be much much worse for them. Try and let them lead the conversation if possible. Don't have very high expectations, it may go well, it may not. The answers to some questions may not be what you expect. It is extremely emotional, I cried afterwards for a while, and will never forget that meeting

1. If possible, I strongly recommend you try and get a photograph of you all together. It may not be appropriate in some cases, but often it can be good for the child to know that all of their parents have met and have a photo of this. Most other adopters would agree with this, and have found it one of the best things about the meeting, if not the most important thing

1. A SW should be with you, and I hope would be noting down all the answers to the questions. It may seem intimidating, but it's easy in such an emotional situation to forget what was said

1. Try and reassure them that x will be loved and cared for, and that she will be told he is adopted, and if you are planning letters, reassure them you will write etc etc

1. Some questions I was asked, just as an example for what you might get asked

• do you have a garden?
• What are you going to tell x about us?
• Are you going to be a stay at home mum? (if you have one, best not to say your actual job title, be general eg. I work in the film industry, if you are a camera-woman, etc)
• Will you take x on holiday?
• What do you like doing?
• Are you going to change x's name? (this was the most important question for DD's mum, she was very anxious to know)

1. If it doesn't go well, remember that you can at least tell your daughter that you have in the flesh met. It's very enlightening meeting someone rather than just hearing about them from someone else. I really got a good sense of who their mum was/is and I understood more about the situation from that meeting

Thanks so much. This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for.

We've been told that we should expect to lead the conversation, just because of their personalities, so the pressure not to be sitting in silence is looming large.

I also want to make this as positive a meeting for them as possible, as I can't imagine how difficult they will find it.

Thanks Lilka for such a comprehensive response. DH and I are due to meet BM imminently and I was wondering the same
question.

I have nothing to add to such an excellent and comprehensive post from Lilka. Just wanted to wish both families all the best for their meetings.

Although these meetings are hard, they are tremendously worthwhile. I don't know any adopters who have regretted going to one. It will be very important for your child when he/she is older.

It's good to see something positive. BP meetings and regular contact are both something I'm really struggling to understand at the moment and have to face up to very soon. Thanks to those who have said they are worthwhile.

crazeekitty I can honestly say I've never met a single adoptive parent who regretted meeting their children's birth parents. It's one of the myriad ways in which adoption is different from being a birth parent, but it's not necessarily a bad thing, just a different thing. And many of the things we do can be very beneficial to our kids. I guess for me, imagining if I were adopted, would I benefit from knowing that my parents met my birth parents and I had a smiley photo of everyone together? I think yes. So in thinking that about myself, i knew I had to meet DD2's birth mum when I adopted her even though i was honestly very apprehensive and worried

I went in thinking it was all about benefitting DD, but I came out having benefitted enormously myself. It was difficult, but so worth it

That's useful, thank you. The ongoing contact is for dd's benefit... And if it doesn't benefit her it stops. I'll try and be more positive.

Hi GirlsWhoWearGlasses how did it go?

It went really well thanks. It was really sad, but definitely worthwhile, not least as it hopefully put their minds at rest.

I'm sure that it will be beneficial for our soon to be DD to know we met, to hear about her birth parents and that they loved her. We also have the photos to keep for her.

A difficult day, but so glad we did it. Lilka your advice helped a huge amount.

I'm really glad to hear it went well and was worthwhile

That's good news.