life as a birth mum

[StupidMistakes]

I have started this thread to record the thoughts and feelings that I as a birth parent go through, and in order to let other birth parents share their thoughts, feelings, hurt, anger, upset, happiness, pride and love for their child

I today thought about you baby boy, I miss you and the way that you used to wrap your arms around my neck and play with my hair, I miss watching you grow. I am going to make you proud, and one day I will see you again, but until then we may be apart maybe in distance but will never be from my heart. I was so blessed to be able to call you my son. I Love you, today, tomorrow and always.

Love you, your Birth mummy.

What a lovely.idea SM.
Maybe it is worth buying a notebook and writing all theses thoughts in that too. I.would love to buy one for you but there isn't a way I can get it to you.
Hope you are well, continue to stay strong.

Hi SM
I still really, really think you need to change your username. You are not who you are telling us you are by it.

I've had a hard few days with grief, and I'm just a few months ahead of you. The grief hasn't changed, got better, less raw, in the 10.5 months since I saw DD and feels like it will never fade.

To my lovely girl, I miss you. I think of you very often, and remember happy things we used to do together, I think of the things I got right and the things I got wrong. The 5 years we had together are my most treasured times. I loved creating things with you, I loved feeding you, taking you places, being with you, just us, for so long. Ultimately I struggle with it being just us, but that wasn't because of you, you were the best little girl any Mummy could have. I struggled because of things inside of me, because of things I never learned when I was younger and because my thinking and my brain didn't work properly. I am so sorry you saw me poorly so much. I want for you to be happy, settled and secure in your new family more than anything else. I want you to know love, and know certainty. I love you so much.

I woke this morning, from a dream and I could almost feel your little arms tightly wrapped around my neck, gently playing with my hair, I then realised you aren't here, I turnt to the picture of you sitting by my bed, eating an iced doughnut on a bus, in your pushchair, not even two years old, how you cried for mummys doughnut and how I had sneakily bought it whilst you were asleep. You always woke when I had something yummy to eat. Your eyes lit up when I finally gave in and handed you my doughnut, and you had the cutest smile, dimples showing, you knew your mummy loved you and would do anything for you.

I miss the days you were under the weather, and would just want to cuddle up on my chest and fall asleep watching tele, though you wouldn't really be watching it. I miss the days when I would have to chase you around in the park, and the days we would go to nannys.

In a thousand different ways I miss you baby. to the stars and back, you are always my baby. I found a little saying it says this
"some people want diamonds,
some people want gold,
the only thing I want,
is my baby back to hold"

I would give anything for just one more day.

Always in my thoughts and in my heart. I hope you are settled and happy.
love always mummy

xxxxx

SM and Zoo I want to hug you both. Your love for your children makes me cry. Thank you for what you're teaching us on here.