Were we out of order?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Sorry to start a sort of thread about a thread, but can you help me work out something please?

There is a thread over in chat about wording re gifts in a christening invite. Cue the normal MN opinion that mentioning gifts - esp cash - is very "grabby". I posted that when DD was christened we were clear that we didn't expect presents but we were seeking to build up DD's child trust fund and donations would be gratefully received. I said that as DD is adopted we weren't able to start her CTF at birth as with DS's and we wanted to make up this disparity. My point was (probably poorly expressed) there are surely certain circumstances when "usual " etiquette doesn't apply. But I was told I was just using DD's adoption as an excuse for being grabby.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't let it get to me - it's a bit late now anyway! - and perhaps I'm just feeling a bit more sensitive following all the crap here lately about us rotten adopters in cahoots with the evil baby snatchers. But we were - and still are - concerned to ensure that there are as few disparities between our birth child and our adopted child as possible, and at that time the difference in CTF was something we thought we actually do something about. And we also thought that our family and friends would mostly be happy to help in this respect - or at least not be offended (DD had a mixture of presents / money and presents / money).

Anyway, please don't bother telling me if you think I'm grabby , my question is whether you have also done things that would normally be seen as not the Done Thing, particularly in order to try to level the playing field for your adopted child/ren?

Thanks

I really wouldn't worry too much about it. Your friends and family would surely understand why you went about things the way you did.

We made our adoption celebration days into an alternative to a christening. We sent formal invitations and booked a restaurant and had toasts and everything. I know my Dsil thought it a bit OTT and grumbled a lot about it being on a week day but I couldn't care less! We had waited 10 years for that special day.

She also thought we were strange having a massive ( 80 people invited!) 2nd birthday party for DS. She just didn't get that we had missed out on doing a 1st birthday because it was too soon after placement. She actually phoned the day after to inform us that she had not enjoyed it and would we in future please keep our parties to family only!

Thanks Angels - am at your SiL!!! How rude and self-centred!!

She's alright really. She struggles to cope when things are not done her way. It's not personal. DH and I once had to physically restrain her at a wedding to stop her switching place settings around as she didn't approve of the way the bride and groom had arranged the seating plan!

I would have been only to glad to receive your christening invite as it would save me from having to rack my brains for a suitable gift!

I agree that your friends and family will understand.
You will find all sorts of opinions on the general chat threads, some will often contradict others.
I really like to be able to buy a gift/ give money of exactly what the hosts would like. So, if money is asked for, that is what I do very happily.
I understand that you want the children's money to be equal, try and ignore the nay sayers and stick with us. :-)

Families perfectly reasonable to ask for whatever you like. People can still buy what they think. Many specialaised Christening gifts cost a lot and are useless! Who later in life needs a silver cup with their name on it! (No offense to anyone who did buy a silver cup!). You did the right thing.

Thanks all. Angels, I know it really isn't funny, but I have visions of you having to (presumably subtly?) holding back SiL with her tutting that "of course Uncle Bob can't sit there, and Auntie Mary really ought to be on the top table..."

No, not out of order at all.

I think the problem with web forums sometimes is that people have thought about their general rule for things and when confronted with an example if something which tests that they find it easier to say 'you just want the moon on a bloody stick you do' rather than 'oh yes, I hadn't thought of those circumstances, right you are then'

She didn't approve of the bride and groom ( thoughtfully I felt) putting all the teenaged guests on one table. She didn't like the idea of her two girls aged 12 and 17 at the time not sitting with her and her DH! Even though the teenagers table was right next to her's.

You know your situation, friends and family and if you think it is fine then it is
Mumsnet is like sheep, they all pile in together
You were sharing your experience not asking if you were being unreasonable so I think you were badly treated
Mumsnet is not RL, I have to keep telling myself that as I have been stupidly upset over comments made on here
Hugs - I know this is frowned on here but what the hell

Families I understand where you are coming from regarding evening things up. Our DDs are both adopted (siblings), the younger one has a CTF and the older one doesn't. We have 'evened things up' by not adding anything to our younger one's fund. (tbh we're not that keen on anything that gives them automatic access to money when they're 18).

It's a bit like b-day presents. Some people think they should always spend exactily the same on all children, but we think if they get equivalent deals at the same age that's OK.

Anyway DD1 gets loads of new stuff, DD2 mainly cast offs, so eg more clothes but fewer new ones.

Question - how easy is it to add to the CTF? Is it less effort than going out, shopping for a present (noting that I hate shopping), wrapping said present and then worrying that the present is rubbish?

If so then I don't care if the baby is a birth child, an adopted child or a came-to-earth-in-a-spaceship-like superman child. I am totally pro.

Mumoftwo, you stick cash or a cheque in an envelope and hand it over! Very simple!

roadwalker, you are right about remembering t'internet doesn't work like RL, with very few posters ever changing their mind or listening to another experience.

MyFeet, I think I'll stick to this little corner of MN to even mention I'm an adopter...

The only thing to bare in mind is that people LOVE to give tangible gifts.. Not just money. But you certainly were not out of order and that comment was probably more spiteful than anything else. Sounds like a silly, jealous little man.

You just be happy for you family and ignore such an arrogant comment!