Thinking About Adoption!? Young & Gay. Your Opinions?

[AdoptionDaddy]

As much as my sexuality should have no part to play in the process, and I'm sure (and hope) it will not, I have no doubt I may receive some less than positive criticism for wanting to father a child into a gay household. I do not know why I should be made to feel guilty for wanting to give a child a secure, loving and stable home, but I do sometimes.

I'm only 21 however I've done a lot due to moving away from home when I was only 16. I've started, owned and sold my business, got good qualifications and I'm in a stable relationship of 3 years. In fact in less than 2 months we will be married! My partner is 26.

My partner works full time and I do not work. My ambition it to be a stay at home dad and do the very best I can for our children. I love children and we are very strongly considering adoption instead of surrogacy now. In fact we'd prefer it.

Do you think I'm too young, I suppose you don't know me. Everyone always thinks I'm 24 ish (made me want Botox.. thanks).

I'm mature and want a simple life of children and happiness and for them to be well educated and enjoy life.

SO THE REAL QUESTION IS WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO, OR YOUR OPINION ON MY SITUATION..

I have so much I could babble on about, but I will make myself stop before EVERYONE loses the will to live after listening to my drivel!

It's almost 3:30am on a Friday morning, oh my goodness, I've been awake for 19 hours.

NIGHT

@CakePunch very good point - I think we should at least start the very long process and become approved!

Thank you everyone!

Hello OP.

I'm sure if you search the threads you will see my changed position on gay people adopting, just thought I'd mention it in case others remembered it.
So also not wanting to sound ageist I would say wait for a while.

You are very young and I think that as most dc in the system have had an awful start in life, it could put a strain on your relationship that may be far less in a few years down the line, when you have experienced more in life.

Hi AdoptionDaddy, I am a lesbian and an adopter. I don't know if you are too young (21 seems like a foetus to me, but then I am very very old and it was only a generation or so ago when 21 was the average age of a first time mother) but I think you may come up against this with some agencies. Life experience is considered very important in adoption. But time is on your side so even if you encounter some negativity, you shouldn't be put off.

Some bits of advice for you:

Do join NewFamilySocial. Their online forum is a great place for getting your questions answered. I don't know where in the country you are, but in London they have monthly meet-ups where prospective adopters can mingle with adoptive parents (and their children). I know there are also regional meet-ups in many parts of the country. You will see the range of children who are adopted, and be able to ask questions. Any adoption agency will see it as very positive that you have done this - they always ask about what research you have done and what support networks you have in place.

Also, try to spend time with children. You say you have already done this but don't underestimate how much experience social workers like you to have. See if you can do some regular voluntary work with kids (there are threads on NewFamilySocial with good ideas on how to do this).

Third, read up on adoption as much as you can. The social workers will want to see that you have a real understanding of what is involved and what kinds of needs and issues come with adoption.

Finally, research your choice of agency carefully and don't be put off if the first one you ring knocks you back. You can apply to any local authority or voluntary sector agency within reasonable travel distance (90 minutes?). Adoption is a market and the agency that knocks you back doesn't necessarily think you won't make a good adopter - it may just be that you don't match what they are looking for for the children on their books (I got refused by one agency for being too white; by another for not being white enough.) So keep ringing round and go for the one that (a) is efficient, (b) is likely to have children of your ethnic heritage (though this requirement is loosening I reckon it's still significant) and (c) really wants YOU.

Good luck! Let us know how you get on.

@Devora I will definitely join - how much is it? I've just brought the book "No Matter What by Sally Donovan", recommended to me by a lovely lesbian couple in this feed. Cannot wait to read it - it's the true account of the adoption process and the children within it. It's harrowing and amazing in parts from what I've read!

But that's a great idea about volunteering and I've done an insane amount of research there's ALWAYS more to read and do! I've been awake 19 hours a day lately - just can't sleep or stop reading about adoption!

We'd be more than happy to drive a 90min radius around where we live. We've been informed they try not to pair you with children from the same town/county incase you see their birth family or relatives - I'm not sure how true this is!?

Um, I can't remember. Voluntary donation, I think. Have a look here: www.newfamilysocial.org.uk/

Local authorities have different policies on placing within the area. When I adopted I lived in the most densely populated LA in the UK, and they wouldn't take on adopters from within their boundaries. But I think that is not true for most places.

We live in West Sussex - so will have to find out I suppose. More than willing to drive wherever if we need to. Okay I will definitely join anyway!

I just don't want to disappoint or embarrass my child Just you wait until the teenage years, you will be both a disappointment and an embarrassment to them, all the best parents are

I think you may have to wait anyway, even if you are ready now, the process takes a long time (as does growing a baby in your own tummy). Look into it though, you're getting some good links from this. Good luck.

@Kendodd Thank you - We understand the time scales could really be anything up to two years. Which is an awful long time, but I'd be more than happy to wait for that day to come. I think it would do us good. I'd be a 23ish year old father - which seems to be more socially acceptable. Also we'd bond and become closer as husbands by then and have a real understanding of it all. The highs and lows along the journey.

Hi -just jumping in to say good luck. I think we all know people who will never be grown up enough to have a child, as well as young parents who are responsible and mature beyond years and there are pros and cons to being a young parent.

I haven't adopted but have had loads of fertility problems-married at 22 and had my one and only child at 32-and now at age 40 have accepted that I won't have any more. For your own sanity I think that you have to try to make sure that you don't look at having a child as completing your life/relationship, but rather adding to it iykwim? In the meantime enjoy your life with your husband to be (hope have a fabulous wedding!) and if you don't work at the moment it probably wouldn't hurt to do some child related study courses and as mentioned get lots of experience with children while you look into adoption.

There are various books/articles etc around-I'm sure you've already found some but Charlie Condou had a column in the Guardian about his experiences (not adoption but shared parenting with a friend)-he is also a speaker at www.alternativeparenting.co.uk/ show which looks interesting.

Dan Bucatinsky's book is a good read too-although as they adopted in USA the system is obviously very different. www.amazon.co.uk/Does-This-Baby-Make-Straight-ebook/dp/B007IL4O4M/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390005525&sr=8-1&keywords=dan+bucatinsky

All the best

AdoptionDaddy You asked for our opinions so IMHO I think you are a bit young. Have some fun, maybe do some study or work, whatever suits, enrich your marriage and come back to family life in a while. I am sure it will all be out there for. All best wishes.

I'm also not gay, young or an adopter but have recently been a referee for friends who have adopted so have some idea of the process.

One thing that some local authorities don't like is for you to be within a year of a "major life event" such as getting married. (Congrats btw.) So you may need to wait a while until you are no longer newlyweds.

One thing that the social worker who interviewed me about my friends liked was that they had babysat for us. So make sure you are babysitting for your friend with kids. (She'll love you for it too!)

Also if you are looking for volunteering opportunities can I put in a plug for the Scouting movement - a young man with a reasonable amount of spare time on his hands is their dream volunteer.. They have Beavers (6 - 8), cubs (8 - 10) and scouts (10 -14).

@trockodile I think the "child related study course" could be a great idea. I may take another college course in Child Care to gain a proper qualification. It certainly couldn't hurt! Thank you for the congrats as well! I will certainly phone up about volunteering for the Beavers or something similar!

@Italiangreyhound Thank you but as mentioned before, when living with my parents I've been quite privileged - then leaving home and becoming a student I was lucky to get great grades. I can't do any more higher education - I've done it. To me, there really isn't much fun to have without a child in my life. I feel they will just complete what I need from life and allow me and my partner to have that bond that so many straight couples don't even need to think about, as you're lucky enough to be able to have it when you want it. I also believe being a young couple allows us to truly give a baby or toddler the attentions and energy it would want. We live in the "Best place to live in the UK" according to the Guardian (I think it was that paper). It's a gorgeous safe village with a castle, fields and a great atmosphere. It's truly divine. I believe a child would benefit greatly from a life with us, here.

@Mumoftwoyoungkids Thank you for you input - I think the life event point is a good one. But from what I've been told you only have an issue if it's impending e.g. a marriage which would be happening in the adoption process or within the early months are the child being adopted. Before we apply we definitely want to have this chapter of our relationship done and dusted anyway. It would be a good start to the process.