Adoption question

[lauly101]

OK, so I am not a mum nor an adopter but my friend from work has JUST found out she is getting an adoptive child later in the year. I am absolutely ludicrously happy for her. She is only young and has been trying for years for a baby and has been going through this adoption process for two years' now. It's been gruelling for her and her hubby and I just wanted to get her a little something to say congratulations. Do I get her a straight 'congrats' card or do you think I should make her a 'your going to be a mummy' or a 'congrats on your adoption' card? I don't know how to SAY it if that makes sense. Maybe I'm over thinking but she's mentioned a few things that other people have said which have upset her and I don't know the etiquette. Also - are there any books or dvds or anythign that any of you would recommend? Or ANYTHING to help her through. The child they are adopting is 3, so I can't get them baby stuff...

Thanks in advance!

Lauly

That is really kind of you - I wish my friends had been so attentive!

I think I would get her a straight congratulations card, and write inside something like: "Welcome to motherhood! So pleased for you" or something like that.

I would be inclined NOT to get her a book or DVD. Her social worker will probably have recommended some to her, and they can be a bit intense - it might send the message, 'Just in case you didn't know, here is a warning about adoption!". I'd just give her some flowers or chocolate or anything you'd give as a congratulations gift. When the child comes you can say you'd like to get him/her a gift, and ask what she would like.

What helped me in the early days was phone calls asking how I was as well as the DCs (text first to check it's not bathtime or whatever), and practical help - offers of meals, shopping cleaning etc.

Once the child is placed, let it be known to the parents that you'd love to see them all, and will wait until they give the go-ahead. I was shocked at how many of my friends were keen to meet up initially, then once they'd had a gawp, became much less available when I really could have done with the company and support. My very best visitors (both, oddly, childfree and with no intention of having any or real liking for DCs) came when they said they would. brought food for all of us to eat, prepared it whilst simultaneously entertaining the DCs, washed up after and buggered off at a reasonable time. My worst (a trained children's therapist!!) fell hook line and sinker for DDs manipulations and charm, gave her loads of attention while she was rejecting me, then airily enquired what we were doing for lunch when I was still trying to stick to the FCs routine for meals and was barely keeping us afloat in terms of cooking and housework.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful friend.

I second what Devora says - a straight forward congratulations card would be lovely. I have recently adopted and I was very touched that people sent me congratulations card (although a couple of people also managed to find very apt new child cards - "Your new boy").

As for gift - maybe get her some hand cream?? Being new to motherhood, I can't believe how rough my hands are because I am washing them all the time. Or some flower/chocs/bottle of wine I am sure would go down a treat.

We also had some great gifts for our 2.5 year old DS - couldn't believe how generous people were. We found that he had very few books and puzzles when he came from foster care - and people gave us those. Someone also gave us some Duplo which he loved!!

Agree with Banana, help, phone calls and understanding that hitting the ground running with a toddler is not easy.
Take her out after bed time once LO is settled. Bring lunch - they are the best gifts.

Passes to local attractions/play areas/farms that she can take her child too whilst off work. Adoption pay is crap and she may be restricted as to what activities she can get involved in.