I could do with some handholding

[Devora]

because it's all kicked off here. Big outpouring of emotion from dd2 about being adopted, lots of tears. She is so distressed. So am I. The worst thing is that she thinks she is adopted because she has brown skin

How old is she?

Are you a different ethnicity to her?

I found this.

It is important to accept that you can't protect your child from all pain--no matter how much every parent would like to. Just as you can't stop Ryan or Lakeisha from getting scraped knees, neither can you shield them from some feelings of pain, loss, and confusion upon discovering that he or she was adopted. However, sharing the information in a positive and caring way can help minimize the hurt.

Show your child that you are willing to answer questions and admit it when you do not know the answers. Just letting your child know that it is okay to talk about adoption will also help a great deal. Studies strongly suggest that the more willing the parent is to answer adoption- related questions, the better the environment is for the child.

What If I Say the Wrong Thing?

Many adoptive parents feel anxious about talking with their children about adoption. They worry that they will say the wrong thing or not have all the answers. They may clutch up every time someone brings up the subject of adoption. Experts say adoptive parents worry about these things partly because they think they should be perfect parents.

Being an adoptive parent means that you probably went through a lot more scrutiny than most biological parents, such as a home study or adoption study. You probably also wanted a child very intensely, and you may have waited for years for your child. As a result, you may feel that you must do everything just right and be the best parent on the block. In addition, some adoptive parents suffer from feelings of guilt because they feel they have kidnapped the child from the birthparents and deprived them of rearing this wonderful child. This leads them to think that they have to be super-parents to prove their worthiness.

Assuming that you adopted your child lawfully, there is no reason to feel guilty. Perfectionism is burdensome and self-defeating. Try to accept imperfection in yourself, and you won't burden yourself (and perhaps your child) with unrealistic expectations. No parent is perfect, and your best should be good enough.

This also applies when you talk to your child about adoption. No one has all the answers, and there are no perfect responses. Some of your child's questions may pull on your heartstrings and really disturb you. This response is normal and should be expected. Remember, if you believe you have made a mistake in explaining adoption to your child, in almost all cases it can be corrected.

Thank you Sunday, that is helpful. Very interesting points.

She is 4, and a different ethnicity from me but the same as my dp. She has lots of cousins within the family who look like her. She has lots of books and toys which look like her, but her school is very white.

It's very interesting, the guilt thing. Dp and I keep slipping into that, and reminding ourselves that it isn't us who created her loss of her birth family. We have tried hard to talk to her about adoption in sensitive and age-appropriate ways since she was tiny, but it is so hard not to feel nervous when doing so - or when her sister is doing so - and we may well be unwittingly transmitting that tension.

Oh Devora love xxxxx

Have both of my hands and a massive

It's so hard sometimes. But you are an amazing mum, and there's no one better to help DD with her feelings than you and your DP

Thinking of you

I have no words of wisdom to impart but I wanted to say you're a fantastic mother and what your child is going through is so normal as is your agony about it.

Unmumsnetty ((((hugs))))

I find it interesting that she's already got to this point at her age. DS was still in total denial at this age and virtually refused to even consider he was adopted. I wonder if having an older sibling makes a difference.

I wonder if she focused on her skin colour as a reason as its something that she understands. Perhaps a matter of fact conversation about it pointing out DP's colour "Is she adopted? No. Cousin Brenda - same colour , is she adopted? No".

Then make the point that adoption really isn't about the child and what they were like/did but about the birth parents. That it didn't matter what child they had, what colour it was, what sex it was, how tall or short it was - that an adoption was always going to happen to those birth parents in that case because some people can't look after babies, in fact some people can barely look after themselves and babies need looking after immediately. I generally get DS to list for me all the things babies need to have done for them and understand that a baby can't survive with someone who can't do all of that for them.

I also have said to him in the past that it makes me sad that something like adoption had to happen for him to be my DS as that makes me happier than anything else but I do understand that it makes him sad too. That its OK to feel sad about why something happened.

I'm not sure if thats helpful or even that you don't already say all of that but we had a similar conversation when DS was about 6. Though he does bottle it all up much more than your DD does.

And yes you aren't responsible for how she came to you - you are only responsible for her now, a form of survivors guilt isn't helpful. You aren't part of this problem you are part of the solution - you will create your own home-made problems soon enough don't borrow trouble!

Thank you, all - your kind words have made me cry again!

Kew, funnily enough I said pretty much everything you suggested because I remembered your advice from previous posts! You're right that she is quite young for this - she is very articulate for her age but I think having a sister to compare herself against makes it all very stark. In fact the conversation started with her talking about dd1's father, who dd2 is very close to and always calls Dad. We decided awhile back not to stop her doing this, but to be clear with her that he is not actually her dad but he loves her very much and is really happy to be called dad if that's what she wants to do. So she started this conversation by talking about 'dd1's dad'. I asked why she was calling him that, and she burst into tears and said she was missing her own birth father. It's really hard that dd1 has a dad and dd2 doesn't. It's really hard that dd1 came out of my tummy and dd2 didn't. My consolation is that dp isn't dd1's birth parent, so dd2 isn't the only one brought to this family through love rather than biology.

dd2 knows loads of black people who are not adopted, and a few white people who are. I think she is just trying to make sense of two separate things, and 2+2=5. She does desperately want white skin and blue eyes . Honestly, the next person someone tells me that children are colour-blind I might crown them. Even living with a black parent, with a large extended family full of mixed race people on both sides, with multiracial books and boys, my dd has got the message that white=better.

Truth is, it is almost impossible to explain all this in a way that makes sense to a 4 year old. I will be as age appropriate as possible, but the concepts are huge and it is just too overwhelming for her to be able to make sense of. I have also rung the school and made an appointment to talk to her teacher, so that they can play their part.

I've said before on these threads that it feels all wrong to me that you get that prep week right at the beginning of your adoption journey, then almost no input after that. I had my prep course around 5 years ago. and then I paid for myself to do a PAC course on adopting black children that was a big disappointment. What I'd like is for the agency to put on a weekend every year, tailored to different age categories, where we could go and refresh and ask questions and share strategies with others in the same place. But that's not going to happen.

Hi just wanted to give you a big hug

Just wanted to ask when it comes to secondary school do you think you may choose a schools that's a bit more mixed as although she has issues stemming from adoption her being in a more mixed environment as she grows may help

I am heartily glad that ds's school is so mixed. It has had a bigger effect than I ever thought possible.

Yes, Sadoldbag, our secondary school has a wider catchment and is more mixed than the primary. And we're not ruling out switching primary if we feel this disadvantage is outweighing its many advantages. We may be in a spookily 1950s part of London, but it IS London and greater diversity is always only a few bus stops away.

And MyFeetAreCold, that is so kind, thank you.

Devora, I may be trespassing as my DC are not adopted, nor will we be adopting any DC any time soon but I wanted you to know that your DD is not the only 4-year-old for whom skin colour is a cause of anxiety.

DD1, when she started Reception was in a class in which she was the only child with white skin (and blue eyes). The teacher and nursery nurse were both black too. I didn't notice until I overheard other parents referring to DD1 as 'The White Girl' and thought nothing of it...until DD1 came home and asked when more children like her would join her class. When I asked what she meant she explained, very clearly, that she wanted to be black, to celebrate Divali and 'to match' the other children.

Cue a discussion about 'matching' in other ways e.g. friendliness, the games children like playing, where someone lives, the letter their name begins with, foods they eat (or avoid), things they're good at.

It was a tricky time for DD1 and that was as a white-skinned, blue-eyed child who isn't adopted! Ultimately, we moved schools - not because DD1 was the only white person in the class - although one of the reasons we'd put her current school as first choice was precisely because of its mixed intake.

Devora no wisdom, just a HUG.

Devora, I'm so sorry you are both feeling distressed. Thinking of you. Xxx

Sorry I missed this earlier - how are things going now?

My DD is nearly four and resolutely refuses to discuss anything adoption related and gets quite upset if we mention it or try to talk about it. So we leave it but are a bit worried we are storing up longer term problems as a result .

Sorry, that's not very helpful is it?!

Thank you all so much. It's been a pretty grim week but we've been giving her lots of TLC and she is really settling down now. And it gave us a nudge to talk to the school, which is always a good idea.

Your handholding really helped - thanks so much.

I realised today that I have been a MNetter 10 years this year! The support I've got on here has been fantastic in that time, and nowhere more than on the adoption board. Thanks, you hard-bitten broads

Much Love