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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Considering adoption- is my DH too old?

21 replies

Char22thom · 11/01/2014 20:21

My DH and I are seriously considering adoption- he was married before and had a vasectomy and rather than go down to the reversal route we have decided we would like to adopt for a number of reasons. I would like to adopt a baby or at least an under 5. Most of my experience has been working with chn that age as a nanny and then teaching in nursery/reception classes so that feels suitable for me at least. My DH has older chn (13 & 14yrs old) and so is happy with my preference, although he is turning 49 this year and I am 32 this year. We are interested in ppls experience regarding this. Is he likely too old for a baby/toddler? I am the breadwinner and so would likely return to work but not immediately, my DH would prob leave work to stay at home, although this is not set in stone as yet obviously. Thank you for reading, sorry for rambling! X

OP posts:

Lilka · 11/01/2014 21:01

No he isn't too old at all. I know a couple who adopted a 1 year old when they were both over 50. It does depend on LA but I can't imagine that any agency would have a problem with his age given that you yourself are only 32 (that's young for an adoptive parent, most are at least 35)

Your experience with caring for children and him being a stat at home parent would also be plusses for you

Best of luck

Original poster

Char22thom · 11/01/2014 21:07

Thank you lilka that's good to hear, Do you think it would seem strange that we do not want to pursue having our own LO before adoption? X

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2014 21:32

Char22thom I think the social workers will want to know why you do not want to have a biological child and also that you have 'come to terms with' the fact of not having a biological child.

Have you and your dh talked about all this and are you comfortable with it?

Good luck.

Original poster

Char22thom · 11/01/2014 21:37

Thank you for your reply. yes we have discussed it at length and are happy it is the right decision for us. I work (teaching as I said earlier) with chn in an area of high deprivation and have seen many of the families go into foster care and/or adoption and the difference it makes to them is incredible. We would like to offer that to a child or siblings, and feel we have a lot to offer

OP posts:

Lilka · 11/01/2014 22:11

It's not the most common reason for coming to adoption, but still quite a few adoptive parents choose adoption as their first choice

It was my first choice as a single parents

Social services need you to be able to justify your choice and they want to know that you are comfortable with not having birth children. Not that you can't do both and sometimes people adopt then have a BC later, but if you do adoption first you have to be aware that sometimes things happen that mean you have to stop at one child etc, so you may not be able to have birth children even if you originally planned them. If that happened, would you be okay with just adopted children and no birth children? Which is why I would tend to suggest that if you want both it might be better to have the BC first, because not being able to have BC is usually a bigger loss than not being able to adopt.

Original poster

Char22thom · 11/01/2014 22:19

Thank you for your reply, we have been advised that SS expect justification of everything so that is useful to hear, thank you x

OP posts:

Hels20 · 11/01/2014 22:51

No, not at all. My DH is nearly 50 and I am in my 30s and we adopted a 2.5 year old boy.

Original poster

Char22thom · 11/01/2014 22:55

Thank you Hels, its just we had read about a 40 year old gap that suggested there should be no more than 40 yrs between adoptive parent and child. I'm guessing that's either out of date or inaccurate scare mongering! X

OP posts:

Lilka · 11/01/2014 23:05

oh goodness anything saying 40 years is definitely either hopelessly out of date (by about 20 years at the least) or got the wrong end of the stick. Anyone saying it now is totally wrong. I think (but am not certain) some LA's now go by about 47/48 years gap but use the youngest parent for that, not the oldest. My LA are fine with up to about 52-ish by the youngest parent, until they start limiting the age of child you can adopt. Although for all the 'youngest parent' rules i don't think they'd be comfortable with a parent over about ~58 unless they were kinship adopters or other exceptional circumstances. Of course all agencies are different and some are certainly more restrictive than my agency, but still, NO agency will be limiting the age of child anyone under 45-47 at least can adopt

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2014 23:58

Char22thon I am sure you have a lot to offer.

I think social services do want justification for everything. It is also a good thing for the protection of the children in their care and for you and your family/future family.

Our county were happy for a 50 year gap. I don't know if it is applicable for the older or younger person in our area as me and DH are the same age so it did not come up.

I think adopting is brilliant and we are really hoping ours will all go ahead, we are approved but not matched yet. We have a birth dd and it took quite a while for me to come to terms with the fact we would not have another birth child. Your DH has birth children already so it is a decision which in some ways affects you more than him, which is possibly one of the reasons social services will be interested in it. I am sure they will also be interested in how your step children will cope with it all.

I wish you all the best for this. It is an adventure and yet also demanding and stressful at times, and I am not yet over the hurdle of bringing the child home!

Devora · 12/01/2014 00:55

When we adopted dd2 I was 46 and dp was 48. Nobody really mentioned our ages (though I do now, frequently, when I'm hauled out of bed at stupid o'clock or expected to carry dd on my shoulders).

Good luck

Hels20 · 12/01/2014 13:12

Char22 - one more thing. If you do decide to proceed, I would be non committal about the work thing. Although we are apparently meant to be equal with men, I do think that LAs and agencies have more of a preference for women to take the lead initially in child care. I wonder if it is because a lot of the children will have been looked after by female foster carer's ostensibly. A suggestion of mine - maybe say throughout the process that, whilst you are breadwinner now - this might change and you might be stay at home mum (which could be true - after all, none of us really know what will happen)

With me and DH - we had to play my "work" card carefully.
I am the bigger earner, younger, more career prospects - and DH would be v happy to stay at home with DS ( he has more patience). I was asked at panel and throughout preparation for the PAR how I would feel about giving up my career for a bit/going back part time. When DS's social worker first came to visit - because his BF had never been around and his primary carer in his foster home was female, DS's social worker was very concerned about my work ambitions etc. So, in turn, we downplayed the likelihood of DH in fact being primary carer after an initial 8 to 12 months.

(I should caveat it by - of course - if DS is incredibly distressed about me going back to work and can't adjust, I will quit and we will adjust our lifestyle accordingly.)

Just remember when/if you start the process - you have to be truthful but you also have to sometimes say what you know they will want to hear...just my view!

excitedmamma · 12/01/2014 15:31

my hubby is 57 and we are adopting a 2 year old... I'm 44 !! Go for it x x

Moomoomie · 12/01/2014 20:12

You sound very sensible and have given a lot of thought to adoption. That comes through in your posts,.so, I am sure you will be able to talk to a social worker about the reasons you have, that have made you choose adoption. Best wishes.

drspouse · 12/01/2014 20:15

My DH is almost as old as a colleague's DH who is now I think 62, they've just been approved for a 2nd adoption, he's retired in fact while she is still working. So he's the main carer though she's going to take her full adoption leave allowance this time too (last time they were both working).

So a big fat resounding no!

Their 1st child has only just started school so they will be considering a preschool aged child this time.

Original poster

Char22thom · 12/01/2014 22:37

Thanks for the advice and sharing your experiences, we are very interested in what you all have to say. We would welcome any further advice, esp Regarding the work situation and adoption leave- how long is required? Are SS very particular about this and which parent should take it? Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Hels20 · 13/01/2014 06:47

Hi Char - when to go back to work has been discussed on other threads. I think, importantly, you have to always show a willingness to be flexible.

I think as a minimum, you should expect to take 6 months and say in your PAR that you will be prepared to adjust as required.

Hels20 · 13/01/2014 06:54

One other thing - it depends on what age your child is. A baby will not necessarily require you to be off work for a year, but an older child might.

I know my agency wanted me to agree that I would be off work for 12 months - and that was what was put in our PAR but in fact our situation has changed and I may need
To go back to work after 7 months. I am keeping this under my hat for the time being - SS and the agency can't really do anything about it - esp if we have formalised the adoption by then - although I guess it might affect our chances of adopting a second time.

The other thing to remember is that, with young babies/younger children - more couples might be wanting those children and so SS might go with a couple where the woman said she would take a year off rather than one that said she would only take 6 months. So better to say "I intend to take 12 months off initially and then review the situation" (if you could honestly say this at the time). Intentions and situations change. I did intend to take 12 months off when we applied - but certain things have changed for us and know I may only be able to take 7 months off (though this is still up in the air and might take 12 months).

Be flexible when writing down your thoughts/intentions!

willyoulistentome · 13/01/2014 07:01

I have no direct experience of adoption so can't offer advice, but just wanted to say that you sound lovely. So best of luck with it all.

Original poster

Char22thom · 13/01/2014 15:25

Thank you for the replies. I am worried this will be a sticking point for us as I will prob be able to take 6 months maximum although as I said DH would prob be giving up work, but obviously that's not for def yet. He only works part time 8-12 and we both work in schools so Mon- Fri and term time only. We are thinking that potentially this could be a no go then x

OP posts:

drspouse · 13/01/2014 15:37

I think you have to be prepared to be flexible. Sharing 12 months of adoption leave for example is often seen as a positive (if you can only take 6 months but your DH can take some time).

Remember that adoption leave is actually your right so if it's work pressurising you then just ignore them, and don't feel guilty. I know it can often be financial too but it sounds like you could afford for one of you to be off work (especially if it's him) for longer.

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