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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Just speechless

29 replies

Broodymomma · 10/01/2014 22:30

Have to get this off my chest as its been niggling me since yesterday.

Ds has been home 10 weeks and we have joined a toddler group which we have very much enjoyed. It is common knowledge he is adopted as I knew a fair few of the women prior to him joining us.

Cut a long story short one woman started saying "oh why would you adopt, would you not just have another one of your own...". I smiled sweetly and thought goodness how ignorant.

Fast forward to her toddler having a tantrum a few minutes later and she starts shouting out "that's it your off to the naughty children home to get adopted" my jaw just hit the floor as she openly said it 3 times in varying ways but all saying naughty children get adopted. My poor ds just looked at her as we have been doing lots of work with him on what adoption means and how much of a positive word it is.

I was so angry but understand people don't always take their audience and their personal circumstances into account whilst dealing with a toddler meltdown but when it's a small group and one child has been recently adopted is their any need to be so insensitive.

I probably need to toughen up but just felt it was a horrible situation and really did not know what to say.

OP posts:
MissFenella · 10/01/2014 22:36

I don't think you need a thicker skin I think you need to take her to one side and put her straight. Can you involve whoever runs the group?

Littlefish · 10/01/2014 22:39

I agree with Missfenella. What she said was incredibly insensitive and actually, very rude.

Original poster
Broodymomma · 10/01/2014 22:41

I was just so shocked and more concerned at the time in getting ds out of her earshot. We have only been a few times to what is a long running group so not sure how well me saying something will be received. Perhaps best just not to go back but is this what we face ignorance like that?

I was more shocked other people did not seem remotely uncomfortable with what she was saying. I think we will go back next week and just wait

OP posts:
Original poster
Broodymomma · 10/01/2014 22:43

Posted too soon - wait on a comment then just leave and let them know why. I want to stick up for me and ds and don't really want to be in her company anymore if I'm honest. I just wish I had said something at the time but was so stunned

OP posts:
NotThemCrows · 10/01/2014 22:44

Terrible! Either have a word with her or never speak to her or see her again! Heartbreaking for your little one Sad

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 10/01/2014 22:47

I think you should say something to her actually - her choice of words for disciplining her own son is her business of course but it's TOTALLY out of order for her to be using it as a threat in front of your son. How on earth did she think that might make him feel? Probably didn't I suppose :(

Possibly if you make her think about the effects on other children t might make her think twice about what she's actually saying to her own child as well.

Original poster
Broodymomma · 10/01/2014 22:51

I should have said something I know I should. Am angry with myself for allowing it to happen. I think she is one of "those people" 5 minutes after it she was shouting at her dd to stop shouting. One of the ladies that goes confided in me that she too is adopted and how great her life has been, I am wondering now if she heard it and how she felt.

OP posts:
BertieBowtiesAreCool · 10/01/2014 22:56

Well if you already feel you don't want to go back that might be for the best but it could be worth having a word, you may find other people are supportive and if not you've only lost going to the group which you've already given up on anyway.

Then again I suppose you might come across people from that group at other local groups, so perhaps it would be easier to give it a miss for now, and perhaps as you get to know various other parents in the area and possibly come across her again you will be able to say something to someone.

Glenshee · 10/01/2014 23:11

I can only imagine her as someone with deep issues herself. Not an excuse to treat other people the way she did, but God I actually feel more sorry for her and her children :(

You have a choice and can run away from this insanity, she probably can't. :(

If you can raise it with whoever runs the group in a calm and polite manner, and if it's not too distressing for you, then that's certainly something you should do. It would be useful information for them. They have to manage these kinds of situations.

I'm not sure talking to this person directly would achieve much.

I would never want to see this person again! But local groups are all attended by the same mums, so it may take a while to figure out which groups she attends and avoid them if possible.

Feeling angry on your behalf Angry

SLVC · 10/01/2014 23:18

Properly shocked! My DC aren't adopted, but I wouldn't want them hearing such tripe either as I'm trying to raise them to be nice people! Perhaps everyone else was as gob smacked as you? Grrr stupid woman.

Lilka · 10/01/2014 23:21

Ugh Angry

Just awful

If you ever see her again and if she ever tried anything like that again, I would probably pull her aside for a word - although she might be too ignorant to understand why what she's doing is so wrong in the presence of an adopted child

It might be better to go out of your way to avoid being near her again!

Sadly I've heard similar things quite a few times. It makes me so angry

Kewcumber · 10/01/2014 23:45

In my experience people who use this type of threat look at you in total bafflement if you suggest that its perhaps to most appropriate thing to say to any child but particularly not within earshot and think you're being over sensitive. I suspect you'd be wasting your time.

Sometimes I tackle this kind of thing sometimes I don't but either way your DS needs to see that you think its the wrong thing to say either by you telling her not to say it "please don't that in front of me and my DS, I find it upsetting" (repeat ad nauseum if she tries to justify it), or if you are any good at the evil eye then pierce her with the evil eye and say very clearly "children aren't adopted because they're naughty but because some adults can't parent their children adequately" (best said out of earshot of DS)

Either way the approach I take with DS is to say to him afterwards "what a silly thing to say, she obviously knows nothing about adoption - aren't some people silly" - I have used this very effectively when being hijacked by adoption in a book in a totally inappropriate way ("natural" parents turned up and child went back to them (after a careful consideration of about 10 minutes on adoptive parents part!) and they were subsequently discovered to be criminals kidnapping the child for money (AAAARGH!)

Kewcumber · 10/01/2014 23:46

But to be honest I haven't come across it very often but it is worth thinking through some possible responses (not that anyone ever says the same idiotic thing twice)

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 11/01/2014 00:15

What a twat!

Lilka · 11/01/2014 00:53

What book was that Kew?? Shock

hazchem · 11/01/2014 01:11

I have to say I think it's an awful thing to say to a child in any circumstance. the underlying message is if you aren't the way I want I'll get rid of you. Really really horrible. I'm so sorry your son had to hear it. Don't have any real advice I'm sorry but I'd probably look at other playgroups in the area. Not that it's always best to just leave an ignorant person but sometimes I feel it's better for me to save my energy to be around people I like.

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2014 01:15

Broody do you have a lot of potential toddler groups to go to? Can you easily avoid her.

My feeling as a non-adopter is I would tell her, I would go back, wait until my child was otherwise occupied and explain very patiently (as she knows your child joined your family by adoption) that it is both inaccurate and very hurtful to say things like that. However, if you little one clings to you like a limpit and you can't get away to have a quiet word then maybe avoid the place for a while.

I think the experienced adopters (as ever) have some very wise words and I would use Kew's phrase to your child.

I do feel it is VERY unfair you could be driven out of a local toddler group, especially one where you have the chance to meet another person who has adopted by such a rude and ignorant person.

You do not need a thicker skin, but maybe be prepared for a comment next time and ready to respond. You are not over reacting, this is a crap way for any person to behave in anyone's company let alone in the company of small children [cross] - steam fumming from head!

Kidsarehardworkbutgoodfun · 11/01/2014 07:54

She sounds awful. I imagine there were other shocked mums in the group - whether their children were adopted or not.

I'm not sure you should tackle it. She'll probably have a thick skin and won't listen - you may only cause yourself more pain.

I feel sorry for her child. The woman is an idiot. I think everyone else in the group will feel as you do - she may well have said other insensitive things in the past about other topics

Kewcumber · 11/01/2014 10:13

Lilka - it was the book version of the movie Stuart Little!

unusednickname · 11/01/2014 19:40

But hang on, she'd already spoken to you just a few minutes earlier about him being,adopted? Which means she wasn't just being thoughtless. That sounds more like a. A very very stupid person's attempt to be funny b. A deliberate attack on you and your DS. Which do you think it was?

DH told me yesterday that a Neil Gaiman book he'd got from the library includes an exchange of insults that basically goes: ' I'll tell everyone you're adopted' 'Yeah well I'll tell everyone you're FAT' Angry

Mostly I'm pissed off that an author clearly doesn't think about the power of words in any meaningful way...

JustALittleGreen · 11/01/2014 19:48

How horrible! Tbh I feel more sorry for her children as how can they feel secure or loved if she threatens to give them away?! I am shocked anyone could say that to their child, and if she says it in public what must she say in private?! Your lucky ds knows he is loved and safe and you can discuss why that woman is an utter arse misinformed. I think I'd just avoid that group tbh, but you must do what feels right to you, if that's confronting her then so be it.

ChippingInWadesIn · 11/01/2014 20:00

Congratulations - how lovely to have DS & for him to have you Flowers

You don't need a thicker skin, you need a heavy mallet.

FFS - it's a fucking stupid thing to say anyway, let alone in a group of people and it's beyond stupid/thoughtless moving into nasty and bitchy to say it in front of a child you know is adopted. I probably wouldn't have been able to engage my brain before my mouth - the best I could have hoped for was to be able to engage enough of my brain not to have taught a room of toddlers a couple of new words.

I am so Angry on your (& DS's) behalf. Cow.

ChippingInWadesIn · 11/01/2014 20:05

I would go back as I wouldn't allow one stupid person to spoil it for me and DS - IME it's hard to find a toddler group where you feel you 'fit in' & where you enjoy the other adults company, so I wouldn't rule this one out just because of one woman, just be ready with a few possible replies or speak to the leader of the group and ask her to deal with it - it's totally unacceptable to be saying in a setting like that (I mean it's unacceptable anywhere, but it's not something that only 'you' find unacceptable, she shouldn't be saying it, whether you are there or not).

Justlisten · 11/01/2014 20:47

An old saying "the child grows in your heart not under it" just hope the foolish lady has room in her heart to realise she is a knobhead!

BusWanker · 11/01/2014 20:53

The woman that said that is a complete tit.
Everyone reading this thinks so and the lady that shared her adoption story at the toddlers group too.
Some people need to learn to be a better person shut the fuck up

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