Can i please ask?

[StupidMistakes]

If you adopted via a LA, was open adoption discussed with you, and if so in how much detail was it discussed with you? And how much did you know of the information the birth parents would receive about the child?

My concern is that I don't think my LA who placed my DS for adoption have discussed this with the adopters, though within the courts decision it was stated that open adoption should be explored fully with any possible family, though them being unable to comply should not prevent placement, My concern stems from the fact that when I met them they were unaware that the pictures of my DS that they send me I will not get to keep, but only be allowed to view them.

By open adoption, do you mean continuing direct contact with birth parents? I think this is quite unusual in the UK (not in the US, but then there are many more children relinquished there). Here I think most contact is indirect, through annual letters, and IME this is agreed very explicitly. I had to sign a contract of agreement about letterbox contact, as did the birth parents. So there shouldn't be a mismatch of expectations between the birth parents and adoptive parents.

Has your DS' adoption been finalised, or has he just been placed? Either way, I would talk to your social worker asap. Whatever arrangement has been made, you should have clearly set out in writing.

Hi "you need to change your user name"

Open adoption was not discussed at all. Contact was only discussed in as much that it would be once a year - letters - but with no photos enclosed. We have yet to send a letter and have not really discussed what will be in it.

I totally understand why birth parents would want an open adoption explored - and I think it very much depends on the age of the child - but I think it would put lots of adopters off (me included - although, I could possibly have been persuaded about a greater level of contact and would not have had an issue with direct contact with siblings).

It's such a hard balance to strike. In the US, I think it is a lot more frequently done (open adoption that is).

I actually wouldn't mind corresponding with the BM - giving her more frequent updates - if I could be assured BM would respect privacy and not suddenly turn up on DS's school's doorstep - because I don't think that would be in the interests of the child.

Open adoption wasn't discussed with us, because it wouldn't have been safe for DD.

One of my prep group has had more face to face contact with her DD's BM but as her DD doesn't I don't think that is open adoption as such.

I've done the full process twice and it's been a bit different each time but in both cases post adoption contact (and I personally count ALL contact as a form of open adoption) was discussed from right near the beginning, but obviously then in general terms eg. important to the child of keeping connections, types of contact etc. Then the further in the process the more specific it got eg. now you need to decide what level of contact you are comfortable with, for your homework this visit please pretend you are the mother of imaginary child X and write a contact letter for the imaginary birth mother of X, the imaginary background story is on this bit of paper, put lots of thought into it.

It's not until you're considering an actual child that all the little details will be discussed BUT with DD2's adoption, things were most certainly discussed in a lot of detail

We signed an adoption agreement (I signed, DD2's mum signed) detailing exactly what would happen - frequency of letters, photos, etc. I think a lot of LA's are using these now although maybe not all. I would expect such an agreement to state whether the birth parents will keep the photos or whether they will be held at SS offices for viewing

If there is an issue, I guess the issue is that your LA have adopted a policy of "photos to be kept at offices in all cases" because of social media concerns, but they haven't actually told the adoptive parents of their policy? So it's not the parents issue, it's social services not keeping everyone fully informed and not making up agreements and not making them in enough detail. It's not good - before contact fully starts, everyone should have an understanding of exactly what's going to happen, at least at the start (sometimes things have to change down the line)

I certainly knew that DD's mum was keeping all the photos. But back then, it just wasn't the done thing to keep photos at the offices or at least not in my LA...it's changed in the last few years because of Facebook and some parents trying to track their children down and 'get them back'.

If SS haven't told the adoptive parents exactly how their contact with you is going to work, and I would expect that to include the fact that you aren't permitted to keep the photographs, than that is SS's problem, and IMHO they need to sort it out so everyone in working from the same page

In our prep course, we talked about direct contact, albeit only briefly. One 'guest speaker' on the course, an adoptive mum, had agreed direct contact with BM but no direct contact had yet taken place. I will be interested to see in what ways the topic comes up through the rest of assessment and the matching process.

I suppose there are possible barriers to direct contact from all sides of the 'adoption triangle'. It could be deemed unsafe/inappropriate/damaging for the child, or the adopters could feel threatened, or the birth parents could struggle too much emotionally.

St.Mistakes (hope you don't mind me adapting your username a bit), my first thought was that perhaps when the judge said 'open adoption' he was referring to letterbox contact rather than direct contact; certainly some people would see it that way. However, if you think the judge meant that direct contact should be explored, then I feel that you should be informed if/how it was explored, and why it was not deemed possible. If it should turn out that SS disregarded the judge's proposition and in fact, direct contact was not explored with the adopters, then I feel SS have done wrong, and the adopters could yet be approached with the idea. Nobody can force them into it, but at least they could think about it. But that's only my idea of 'fair' and 'just'; I honestly have no idea what the legal situation is, nor what you could or should do about it.

The thing is it was considered in my DS's best interests by the judge for social services to fully explore the possibility of once a year visits, which I know may seem like but its only once a year but trust me to me that would mean so much, I fully understand if they cannot manage that, I am just concerned it hasn't been discussed with them as a possibility.

I get twice a year letters and have an appointment tomorrow with the social worker, it has now been 6 months and 5 days since I last saw my gorgeous little boy and the letters are what keeps me going.

They have spoken about a contact agreement but nothing has yet been put into writing. I am also concerned that social services will do it and I will sign and later not understand why certain things aren't allowed.

I feel its unfair that I don't get to keep the pictures, I knew where the foster carer lived and never ever turned up there, even after my ds was taken and I knew he weren't coming home, I never undermined his security and never would. The bottom line is they are looking after and raising my child and for that I will be eternally grateful, but maybe im not like other parents, maybe I am one of a few. I love my son to the stars and back and no amount of time or distance will ever change that.