People who should just not be allowed to adopt

[Lilka]

This is mostly exasperation, and the judgy pants are very much ON

It's not so often I come across parents and I think 'you know what, whoever approved you to adopt should be dismissed/if you get approved to adopt, the social worker who did the assessments deserves to be sacked'

But, sometimes I can't help thinking that.

I got roped into watching old TV programs (online) about people's adoption stories and we watched 2. The first was nice, but the second, in which two US families went to Siberia to adopt...oh my God, I do not understand how this first couple were approved, I just don't.

The mother, who along with her husband and their birth sons, is white with blonde hair and blue eyes, starts off in great form by saying about Russian children,

"you know what, they're beautiful babies. And they look American. You can't get American babies in America"

Nothing like a good dose of racism and stupidity on a Sunday evening. And I disliked her from that moment forward, obviously

But no, it stayed just as bad the whole way through

Dad (who looks eerily like a Ken doll): "It's like I'm going to another country to buy somebody else's kid"

Sigh

And I warmed up slightly when they said goodbye to their new baby and said they were bonding.

But then, when the subject of birth parents came up and reunions and:

Mum: "We don't wanna spend $35,000 on a baby that's going to turn against us" [and find theur birth parents]

I was so finished listening to them I clicked on the red x button.

Seriously? How do these people get approved?? HOW?? Some agency needs a more thorough assessment process

OMg Lilka that is horrendous. The "ransom" I mean.

A lot of people in the US fundraise because they don't have the tens of thousands that they would need up front, but would make wonderful parents to the child in question. Most of them fundraise to adopt children with SN, especially Down Syndrome. Most of them came from Russia before but now Americans are not allowed to adopt from Russia, so it seems that they're mostly Asian children now.

We would also like to adopt a child with SN at some point and there's no way in hell we'll be able to afford it; we will definitely have to raise the funds. But surely it's worth it for the child to have a loving home and grow up as part of a family? I never thought there was anything amiss with fundraising.

Lilka

You have made me feel a lot better, thank you.
I feel it is so important to feel loved and wanted and special.
Even with fantastic parents and no problems compared to children in the system today, there is still an element of not being wanted at birth.
It has never left me and has been a part of all my relationships. I don't take any kind of rejection well, and that is silly I know.

Meant to add, the ransom would make me close to vomiting

It's just bizarre Cheerful And ridiculous. But it adds to the whole image of 'we're saving a child here people' image so many of them like to project. I find it a bit offensive personally

And to be honest, I also find the idea that adopting inernationally is the same thing as buying a baby, to be offensive as well

Cheerful, I don't think there's anything wrong with fundraising, especially the raising which is done via garage sales, selling other things you've made, doing a sponsored whatever

I do honestly have an issue with the families who just stick a paypal bar on their website saying 'please help us raise the ranson for Ava, who will otherwise never know Jesus and be sold into sexual slavery'. I really don't like it

But if I found you at a car boot sale and all the proceeds were going towards your adoption, or something like that, I would be totally happy to buy some of the stuff if I liked it

CheerfulYank

Nothing wrong with fund raising at all my love.
I had visions of the example of 35k above actually changing hands for the baby.
I was thinking the bm was selling the baby, which I've heard of but not familiar with any particular cases.
You are so right about the loving family, I wish you luck. x

I shouldn't have lol'd at the "Ava" thing because it is atrocious but it does sound completely probable.

I donate to Reece's Rainbow all the time (a fundraising site to help families adopt children with DS) as I personally know someone who has adopted a little boy with their help and it was invaluable.

No, I always have the same reaction! It's so atrocious that if it wasn't about a real child it would be almost funny, sadly, it being about a real child just makes it really sad

Thank you morethan! I am religious but definitely not of the sort mentioned above (where I feel the need to "rescue a child to raise him in the loving light of Jay-sus!" ) or any such crap, but I do feel that if I just have faith that the money will be there somehow, and take it one step at a time, it will all be okay. DH is very financially, erm, "hesitant" and always gives me a complete stink eye when I say woo stuff like that. :o

Can I just add a quote from the chaplain that has stayed with me for 30 years now, said with a patronising shake of the head "I can't be racist, I have an Indian daughter".

It just makes me so sad...there is a little boy who is three but about the same size as my 7 month old and I just want to snuggle him for about 6,000 years. He needs a mama and I would love another DS (and worked in SN for years as well as having family members with varying needs, so it's not a case of rose colored glasses) and we have the room and the love and are two blocks from a school where I know the SN system and teachers and aides like the back of my hand.

And what's in the way? 35,000 dollars. AT LEAST. :(

Cheerful.

You sound a lovely person and to adopt a child with sn takes a special person, I wish you well.
I met several parents who adopted severely disabled children where I used to live.
It was a group, charity I can't remember it was a long time ago.
They were absolutely amazing people, I came away humbled.
I was the entertainer at their Christmas party, it was hard work adapting my act to suit the children, but the most rewarding work I ever did. Needless to say I couldn't take my fee.
I got in the car and blubbed all the way home.

Oh don't get me started on all those T-shirts some adoptive parents buy their kids and they all go out together in

They're just...I just can't fathom being the kind of parent who would dress my own child in this and then go out down the toon with them

"Oprhan No More"
"Adoption is
"147 million minus 1"
etc

baaHumbug Truly awful, I feel sad for that poor girl

It's such a horrible thing to do, defining them by their adoption. It's why I have such a big problem with the T-shirts, and the attitude of the woman in my second post who wanted their non-white child to be a testimony of adoption to everyone they met

Oh thanks. My mom worked as an aide in an SN preschool that went year round, and she just brought me with her in the summer time, so I grew up with it just being a normal sort of thing.

Everybody's got their "thing" I suppose...I'm fairly rubbish at a great many things but have a lot of patience. Although today is a snow day with another tomorrow (-45 degrees here) and with DS home all day after the long Christmas break I'm not exactly feeling the most patient I ever have in my life. :o

Eh? T-shirts?! I've never seen such a thing. Could we make our own? Mine would say 'Adoptoraptor' and dd's would say, 'One of JH's missing millions'.

Seriously, where have you seen those t-shirts?

I wonder if it was edited in parts Lilka? I can see someone saying "this is such a weird feeling...like I'm going somewhere to buy a kid!" in an incredulous sort of way.

I'm sure it wasn't but that would make me feel better.

I'm usually eeuurgh about Tshirts but I know someone whose adopted DS with DS has this one and I thought it was rather cute. Of course it's not directly to do with adoption...

Cheerful

I saw a girl on RR who was a malnourished skeleton She was almost 6 years old, yet she weighed than 10 pounds. Less than my tiny 4 month granddaughter I just cried when I saw her picture, it broke my heart. I don't understand how an orphanage could do that to a child in the 21st century. She's been starved. Maybe it's too much information but I know the country she's in, and it's an EU country and that broke my heart again, because in a famine wracked African country we could understand that starvation and hideous neglect, but in an EU country? Maade me really angry

Yes. It's terrible. The boy they used in most of their adverts was an adorable little chubby cheeked thing...he died recently, a few years later, and you would not have known it was the same boy at all. I know we Americans have our faults but I just can't really get behind Putin's edict of No Americans Again. Especially the ones who realized that they had been "chosen" and their parents had said they were coming back for them and now they can't.

Like Lilka says the money in IA goes to a variety of sources as she described - we made a donation to the orphanage but also clubbed together whilst we were there to specifically buy furniture for the special needs dormitory. The orphanage was scrupulously honest and I went with their purchasing woman to choose the furniture and pay for it myself.

Ironically the single biggest payment I made was to Richmond council but nobody seems to have any problem with that!

The process was overseen by the local ministry of Education and whilst I'm not naive enough to think there are no backhanders going on at all (mostly in my experience to expedite paperwork post adoption) it is very obvious that in Kazakhstan at least there is no question of children being relinquished because of the money.

In China I believe that the money raised by donations from intercountry adoption are part of the reason that standards have improved so much in institutions, so really I can't argue with it. These are mainly countries that have little or nothing by way of a welfare state and much of the money goes back into the care of children. If I had any gripes at all it would be what proportion of your fees goes in co-ordinaton fees, interpreters and drivers but to be fiar that does also inject money into the local economy so again I don't worry too much about it.

You also have to tell DCFS (I think thats who it was) how much you were spending as you aren't actually allowed to "buy children"!

You can judge for yourself Cheerful ! The program is here

Yes those shirts are for real, let me go find a good picture

Now that Devora is a good idea!! DD1 would totally go for "victim of forced adoption..." on the front, and "...and I love it!" on the back

Maybe I could have a "beneficiary of state kidnapping" on the front of mine, and "always looking for more!" on the back. Not as snazzy as 'adoptoraptor' though. Maybe i could have 'adoptress', that's the other beloved insult of adoptive parent haters

Lilka - if you pm me I'll confirm identities...

I can't bear this saving a child business.

It makes my teeth itch.

Back in the mid 80's my Mum's friend was approached by a neighbour (she knocked on her door to be exact)
Neighbour asked what it was like raising mixed race children. Friend is Asian origin her husband is British.Are the different? Does it put a strain on marriage? etc. These were her OWN children. How rude!
Turns out she wanted to adopt a mixed race child. Child had to be mixed race so everybody would know what a good thing she had done!
Fast forward a few years.Child has troubles and is kicked out

It makes me incredibly sad that people have the idea that IA means buying a baby and even sadder that some day someone is going to say something to my dd about money and her adoption.

FWIW, Lilka, for Ireland anyway it's absolutely not allowed to make any donation to the orphanage. If it was discovered that you'd made a money donation, it would be impossible to register the adoption here. It's awful though - you spend all this money on medicals, solicitors, flights, hotels etc and the one place you'd love your money to go to, you're not allowed to.