Lonely

[lilypink1977]

Hi we're just over 1 month/6 weeks into placement with our little one & I'm finding it incredibly lonely.

Our family all live v far away & our friends seem to have disappeared off radar despite me saying its fine to visit etc think they've taken SW's advice to back off too literally!!

I'm helping myself by joining a new toddler group next week plus I'm having some well needed "me-time" this week having joined a new social activity but still feeling isolated and a bit down. Just wondered if this is normal?

I've invited some friends over for lunch on the weekend but immediately regretted it thinking of all the work involved!!! Just feel overwhelmed by the smallest of things!

Be glad of some advice xxxx

Well, one practical thing you can do for your lunch party is either a) do a cold buffet type thing, which is dead easy - just chuck some ciabatta in the oven to go with it, or b) ask them to bring the starter and pudding so you only have to do the main. Easy! If they're decent friends they'll understand and you do something simple that you can prepare the day before.

As for meeting other parents, you've been thrown into something that most parents get to ease into, so firstly, don't panic! I remember feeling horribly lonely in the months after DS1 came along. It was winter, like now, I wasn't confident taking him out, I didn't really know anyone, etc. So yes, try a selection of toddler groups and see how you get on. Churches usually have a toddler group once a week and if you live in a town or city you'll probably have a choice of music, baby gym, etc. Most classes let you try them out for a session before you commit, so Google Little Gym, Gymboree, and 'toddler music + your town'. Also, join the MN group for your local area and post a message to see if there are other local mums who get together.

My local council gym has a drop-in creche, which is very useful if you feel in need of some 'me' time. At mine you can go and sit in the cafe if you don't want to work out! It's only about £2.20 an hour.

Also Tumble Tots - there are lots of those around.

Just a thought re drop in crèches -you need to check with your child's SW as to what their policy is on this. As you are technically fostering you may not be allowed to leave your child in these. Personally I woudl not consider leaving my child with total strangers, especially 6 weeks into placement. Your child is still trying to work out who you are and wondering if they will get moved again

If it were me I woudl look for activities that I could do while keeping my child with me .

If you have one or two friends over to your house, even for a coffee, it will be less stressful for you child than going out somewhere. And you won't have to worry about a lot of extra work .

If you have a partner, you should think about going out one evening, after your LO is settled.

I'm sorry that you are finding it hard.

Thanks for your messages. We live in a very rural area so not many choices in terms of activities however we'll try what we can.

Thanks for your suggestions re lunch!

No chance of going out anywhere with hubby either as no babysitters!

We have a birth child too so this is something we're used to but it just feels incredibly hard at times! I think personally it's all the emotions of the lead up to our little ones placement that's finally hit home and my brain is finding it hard to cope with the adjustment?!! I don't know?!

Lily -I didn't mean go out with DH, I meant go out one evening when DH is at home. Not good to leave LO with others just yet. I was assuming that your Dh was at work ft and you were at home ft, so it would be good for him to spend more time with your new arrival .

Unless you are incredibly remote you will still have night classes at a local school or places you could go out with friends for a coffee /drink, local groups etc .

If you feel you are getting really down, you need to watch out for post adoption depression. Others here have had it and will be able to offer good advice. It can be hard to discuss with your friends and family as you feel you should be grateful now your LO is home.

Thanks again for your replies. I guess the loneliness stems from the fact I've realised that lots of my friends have just gone AWOL & feeling a huge sense of disappointment that people who I thought I could rely on are simply not there for me when I need them.

Like I say I'm trying my best to help myself & hope that Ina few weeks it'll all iron out. Just been a bit of a poo day today & I'm feeling sorry for myself!!

Thanks for your help I really appreciate it xx

It's very hard when friends walk away. I had this with a couple I was very close to, they clearly didn't approve of my adopting because they then told the whole group we were friends with that they would no longer speak to them if they spoke to me. I was very hurt and struggled to understand it.

I've since discovered that friends or family falling out with you or just drifting away is not uncommon after adopting. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier, or fair.

The only consolation I can offer you is that through adoption you will meet many new friends, who will hopefully understand and support your new family.

Lily
I'm in a v similar situation to you and our friends and family have taken the 'back off from SW' a little too literally. Especially over Xmas where we saw practically no one!

I take my dd to the local toddler group 3 times a week now. I'm starting to meet people now but it was a bit like pulling teeth at first. Especially as I'm not the best at those types of places.

Drop me a pm if you like (sorry I can't as I'm on my phone and can't figure it out) and if we're within a decent driving distance maybe we could meet up once in a while.

Thanks Blue Dog a friend of mine has admitted she struggled to explain it all to her 6 year old son and I can understand that (however I did offer her advice on explaining etc) & it is hard as we've been on training courses etc and our friends & family haven't but I've been sure they know they can ask any questions etc (within reason more about the process than our business!)

But I even have a friend who is going through the process too and she's backed off big style! I heard from no one the whole 2 weeks of Christmas!! I'm thinking this friend is hurting as it's all happened for us & it's not happened for them yet and whilst I understand that I thought she'd give us the support we'd need too?

This adoption lark is just a physical and mental headache!!!! It would just be nice to be "normal"!!!!!

Why dont you ask your social.worker if there is a post adoption support group in your area, if there isn't ask the sw for the email addresses of families she knows in a similar situation. I set up a support group in our town after we adopted our first two girls. It doesn't take much doing.

Hiya, I am currently 4 weeks into placement with a 1 year old. Feel free to pm me if you are Bedfordshire/herts area. Xxxxxxxxx

Oh gosh yes the loneliness and isolation. Now 3 months in here. We were advised not to do anything for a few weeks, then all got that bloody lingering winter virus in turn so that was us til Christmas. I thought I was going to go out of my mind.

YES to going to the shops every day, or just plain getting out and walking. Just being out from within these four walls really helps IME. Also talking to people (text, mumsnet, other forums, whatever). Adult company even of the virtual kind is underrated.

PS I think people back off because they think you need space... I've had to seek out my friends who are v supportive but basically said they thought we would need lots of time alone before we were ready to start meeting people!

I think people back off for any number of reasons none of which are helpful to you. I have a family member who was incredibly supportive (even encouraging) of the adoption but as soon as DS arrived dropped me like a stone never once came over (she lives 5 mins away), likewise another friend.

Its inexplicable to me personally - I just think they have no empathy.

This stage is very difficult and can be isolating (particularly I would imagine if you are somewhere rural).

What helped me... (much of which has been said)

• Going out every day, even if just for a walk to feed the ducks, for a coffee or to wander around a shop.
• I met up with people through MN locally (though I had actually arranged this beforehand its still worth trying) - you might find Netmums better for local people you just have to try both. I was lucky that there were a few local mums with childrne around the same age as DS who have subsequently become really good friends to me
• haunt the adoption boads (and non-adoption boards) of MN. I really did find it helped "talking" to people in the same boat even if it was talking crap!
• I'm single so no chance to get out of an evening until my mum announced she'd have DS for a couple of hours on a friday evening which became a lifeline. I decided to go to an acqua class at the local pool where I already knew some people (at least casually). The combination of exercise and adult conversation kept me sane.
• if lunching at yours seems daunting, can;t you suggest to your friends that you eat out at a cheap coffee shop.

You need to be honest with people that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed. In my experience people seemed to think that becasue you have a 1/2/3 year old that its the same as them having a 1/2/3 year old who's been with them since birth whereas in fact you have a 4-6 week old who just happens to be the size of a toddler! Tell them that and that you are still in the newborn phase of not always coping with everything perfectly yet.

DS would not have gone into a creche on his own - not for years (whether the social worker approved it or not!)

And it will become normal. It's just not now.

I can't tell you the number of times I can screaming crying fits in the first two months. I now I have a (vaguely) normal life with a (vaguely) normal 8 yr old and some lovely friends.

Just remember the adoption mantra - "This too shall pass" and get yourself some new more supportive friends (or bully the existing ones into being more supportive!)

I'll add myself to the chorus of people suggestion getting out of the house to do anything at all. When she arrived DD woke at 5.30am every day so we had lots of trips to the 24 hour supermarkets to buy one or two things because they were the only places open! I also agree with what Kew said about people not realising that you have may have a toddler but your relationship with them is as if you had a 6 week old (who doesn't stay in the same place once you put her down!)

It is so tough to start with. I remember the joy of when I could leave DD alone for a couple of minutes to go to the loo in peace! It does get easier.

I hope you find that friends start being more available now Christmas has passed, and that the toddler group is welcoming (if you ask people there you'll probably find out about various other groups too)

Thanks so much everyone for your support! I'm feeling much better having had a night off this week & had some well earned adult conversation!!

Social worker has not been supportive so taken action into my own hands and found 3 local activities I'm hoping to try next week!

Come to realise that I just have to help myself a little and I've called round a lot of my good friends & invited them around (on the basis they know I won't be cleaning before they come!!!)

It's great to come here & realise my feelings are normal and I'm hoping that things will settle down in due course and for those that have dropped us like a hot stone well I guess we're better off without them?!?

Thanks everyone you're fab! Xxx

All the best lily in your search for good friends locally. Please do make your exisiting friends know you need support. They are probably feeling they do not want to intrude on the 'honeymoon' adoption time.

Kristina that so shocking that people abandoned you when you adopted and encouraged others too. Truey shameful behaviour.

I can imagine some mums or dads avoiding as don't know how to tell their kids but that is so crap! The same kind of mentality that stops people comforting the sick or those who grieve, I didn't know what to say!!

How do we cope with people like that, what can we say?

I didn't have to cope with people like that... because they stayed away and I never saw them again! My friends became self selecting in a sense. I genuinely felt it was no loss.

Good point kew, it just seems so silly in an age when people will have their medical procedures shared on TV programmes and tell us their whole life on facebook, yet genuine communication still seems so hard for some people.