Back to work?

[Buster51]

Hi all,

before our DS was placed with us I had worked for a number of years, working my way up in a fairly fast placed company where I was extremely dedicated to my job, as a result I was made a partner in the company. They have been really supportive and have given me effectively as much time as I need while DS settles, I was thinking about perhaps not going back prior to DS placement as I wasn't sure if this would be fair on him - but my thoughts have changed...

He is 4 years old, so has been settled in school for 3 months with us. If I go back to work he would have to go to afterschool club 3 times a week till around 5-5.30 and my mum would get him the other days.

My reasoning's for deciding to go back to work would be that I would feel a little bit like 'me' again - it would provide me with something else to focus on instead of forever worrying about DS, DS attachment, my attachment, his behavior, mine, the list goes on and on. Where I was very dedicated to my job, I feel this is why I have almost turned 100% of my daily attention to thinking about DS, as I have no other real focus at the moment (at least thats how it feels).

But I suppose part of me (very sadly so) even thinks it would give us a bit of space (how awful is that!?). I just don't know if those hours would be too long for him at school, whether im doing this for the right reasons?

I sometimes feel that even if he sees less of me, surely a 'happier' me would be a better me? But I don't want to feel like I'm running away from current issues and using work as my 'getaway' - it was my aim to go back around April, around the 6 months mark, but more recently I have been debating going back sooner.

I wonder if any of you mums work? or have been through a similar situation? I do apologise if I come across selfish I just would love some feedback and thoughts. Will that affect our attachment the physical amount of time he is in school? Oh DH as mentioned on a previous thread is in the forces, so he is not home midweek (aside holidays).

Thank you

Hi Buster,
We have a DS age 2 placed 6 months ago.I went back to work after 3 months .
However, I work 12 hours a week, during term time and DH stays home when I work. It works for us and we feel that once LO goes to school, he will be swamped by female teachers for 7 years so it's important to do boy things with daddy now. SW's didn't like it......
LO is very settled and thriving.
How much will you be working?
I worry about attachment a lot and we feel that we"ll never get this time again.
The trouble with parenting is that you can't rehearse it. Is there any way you could juggle work around school hours?

Hi
In my situation I only was able to take a few months off then straight back into full time work . We were lucky in the dd was only 7 months when she came to us ( now 22) so we were the only ones she can really remember ... I worry about attachment all the time as I only see her for and hour in the morning , a few in the evening and then at weekend s but I think that the attachment does generally form anyway and perhaps as u say its healthier to focus on other things .

I went back part-time - is this not an option?

Then you could pick him up from school say three days a week and your mum can do 2.

Its difficult to know really how settled he would be at after school club. After school club so soon after stating school and moving in with you seems a lot to deal with a child.

I was sorry I went back so quickly in retrospect but I do appreciate the attraction getting som epeaceful time in work. Evenings and mornings do get very fraught when you're working though.

Can you drop off at normal school time each morning. It make a HUGE difference to DS having me dropping him off.

I wouldn't make any decisions yet. Would part time be an option?
I think most children struggle a lot with doing a whole school day at this age. After school club as well would be such a long day for him. My dd just wanted to come home and flake out in front of the tv when she was in reception.
Do you keep in contact with anyone from your prep group?
I found meeting up with other adopters a life saver in the early days.

I went back to work after DD had been with us for about nine months. She settled in well, and financially we had no real option other than for me to work full time (DH also works full time).

Could you not try to get through the first term at school before you return to work?

I'm sorry but I think that school plus out of school care is far too much for a newly placed four year old. For your child's sake you really need to take all of your adoption leave entitlement and then go back part time. Given that you are a partner in the company I'm sure your employer will be keen to retain your skills and will be able to offer you flexible working

As you DH is away most of the time it's even more important that you child forms a strong attachment to you. Im afraid that a newly placed 4 yo will take up nearly all the attention of the primary caregiver for more than a few months, it's just the way it is. They are very needy.

I'm sorry this is hard. I think you need to draw on your support network. I'm sure you will have discussed this with your SW during your home study

I went back after 9 months but only 3 days a week and DD was 20 months at that point. It is only now (nearly 2 years since placement) that full time work is crossing my mind as a possibility.

It is clear from your other posts that you are having a tough time, and I know how that feels, not the same as you but I suffered with horrible PAD, but it is very early days. Don't rush into any decisions yet.

I went from dying to get back to work, to being a sobbing wreck at having to go back. I'm glad I did as DD has thrived at nursery, but for us in our circumstances, full time would have been too much.

Yes I agree with Kristina

School+after school club + mum is a bit much he's only been with you for 12 weeks he is settled as you say but this may very well be because you are at home.

With any child let alone a adopted one other people looking after them throws up all sorts of issues also I would imagine he's started the school recently.

Thank you all for the feedback, yes I think initially part time would be an option, but there after I am really not sure (it's a private run company with demanding hours/full time contracts only).

I am going to take my full leave, it is too soon for me to make any decisions that could possibly hinder the attatchnent process. Thank you all for the comments much appreciated as always.

A small private company has complete flexibility to have any contract they want. I'm surprised you didn't discuss this with your employer before you went on maternity leave TBH. Especially as you are a partner. Are you salaried or equity sharing?

There's the question of when and there's the question of how much, isn't there? Can you really work FT and be home for 5-5.30? Or will going back lead to longer and longer working days, in reality?

I went back after 6 months, worked PT for a further year. Now I work FT but do 3 long days (when I don't see dd at all, usually) and 2 short days from home (when I get to do school pick-up and drop-off). She does afternoons at school, 3 mornings with a CM, 2 mornings with my dp. But she has been with us 3 years now. I feel guilty about this, I know she would like me at home more, but frankly we need the money.

So, no problems having a career post-adoption but I think it is easy to underestimate how much they need you around, especially in the first year or so. I have a friend who was back at (very) FT work six months after adoption (twice) and her kids are doing great, but I think for many this would be too much too soon.

But don't feel guilty for considering this. Those early months can be very, very tough and, to be honest, if someone had offered me a single ticket to Peru I would probably have taken it.

By the way, welcome to the guilt of motherhood... (See all the WOHM / SAHM threads for full details)

Hello. Trying to work out financial situations for when to go for adoption. After reading this post, it appears I was wrong in thinking you have to take a year off as adoption leave. I know when I was on maternity leave did some keep in touch days, which were paid. It was also nice to go back to work knowning only one day at a time, would recommend that if it's an option. Good luck in finding right balace of work for your family.

Peach you don't have to take a whole year off, however nearly all agencies will expect you to be planning at least 6 months off, and some will prefer a year off. Of course some (not many in my experience) people manage to go back sooner than 6 months and it all work out, but my personal humble opinion is not to plan on less than 6 months off unless it's unavoidable and you can't make it work another way. Things might work out great and you might go back ahead of the planned schedule, but some children really need you around for months and won't do well with a working parent.

I've struggled with working since adopting, and after adopting DD2, I quit work for years, there's absolutely no way I could have managed a job. I work part time now (not many hours) but thankfully I'm in a position where I can increase my hours if I want to, and I will do that when DD2 leaves home, because DS will be fine with me working more, and I'll really need the money

Buster sorry this is long! If you make it all the way through I will offer a virtual bunch of flowers!

Buster from your post it sounds like you feel work will be helpful to you and it is not a financial necessity to you. Is that right?

I agree with Kristina that after school club and anther person picking your little one up will be too much and I know you are already re-thinking things.

I can only tell you my experience, with my birth child who is now 9, that she went to nursery two full days a week when she was 8 months and loved nursery but when it got to school she could only manage one day a week at after school club. She just wanted to be home, I think it was to see me and possibly primarily to veg in front of the TV! But it may also have been to not have to interact with other kids or other adults.

I think if financial concerns are very great parents do have to try and work it all out and it is hugely hard. Having said this, having a happy and cooperative child is very important. My dd is happy at after school club once a week but she has said she would not like to go more often. Your child and others may be different but I do feel you need to go slowly.

The fact your child has only been with you a short time, your partner is in the forces and your child came to you at four are all reasons for going very slowly, IMHO, slowly with any changes. And school is a massive change for kids.

If you need to feel more like you I would try and take as long as you can on adoption leave and once little one is at school use the time when they are at school for you-centered stuff, go for a swim, a jog, a nature walk etc, meet with friends for coffee, do a cookery course, or just learn new recepies, re-vamp old furniture, or write a book, join the PTA committee, whatever floats your boat.

If you are a partner at work, I would suggest that you can try and arrange flexible work, work from home (if an option) or part-time so when you do go back you can manage stuff well.

I totally agree your little one will benefit from a happier less-stressed mummy but if that happier mummy also means he will be away from you more I think you will find it doesn't balance out. EG he will possibly be more clingy when he does see you.

From other posts it sounds like there have been difficulties and I wonder if you think those will go down or lessen when he is at school and you are at work? if you do, then I am not sure (IMHO) it will be quite like that necessarily. I mean some things may get better but others may not.

He will need to adjust to school and you will need to adjust to work etc so allow yourself as much flexibility as you possibly can. If you can afford to go back later and work fewer hours I would do it, at least until all seems more calm at home.

I really wish you all the very best and I know that parenthood, and to some degree and motherhood in particular (I say this as my DH rarely seems to agonise over any parenting decisions!) is fraught with guilt and turmoil!

I have no desire to add to any bad feeling. I just think it is fair to say that more people picking up or caring for your DH, in terms of after school staff and your mum, is unlikely (in my limited knowledge of adoption) to make things harder in the long run.

Please also remember these years move fast, my DD is 9! I can so well remember when she was tiny, when she couldn't even say 'computer' let alone use one! This is in no way to induce any guilt in anyone, I think when you relax a bit more and find some extra outside interests for you (aside from child and work) you will find it easier.

Going from not being a parent to being one almost overnight must be hugely daunting. I built up quite a local support network so by the time my child was 4 I had many friends in a similar boat, and I am guessing for parents who adopt this is not the case! So do continue to build up some friends and support networks before DS is at school and enjoy all the bits you can. It goes fast.

Buster if you made it through that , and if not no worries at all.

Unmusnetty hugs >

Good Morning all! wow it feels like ages since I first wrote this thread!

I have tested him in the clubs recently, he seems to love breakfast club as he gets to play with all the children and run around, I also think he is enjoying getting the car to school instead of walking! That is however only 45mins earlier than I would normally take him, so it isn't a great difference. The afterschool club is the club I worry about the most, as like you have all said it is a very long day, and although he says to me he enjoys it/the teachers also say he plays lovely I am not convinced, I do not know why, it is just a feeling. I am getting to know DS very well now, and he can play in almost any situation, but some of the time it is what I call his 'controlled play' i.e. he knows he has to do it...so on the outside he looks fine, he will even say he is, but little things tell me differently. For example he had a toilet accident the 2nd week, now he said it is because he didn't want to use the other loo/didn't know where it was, they feel it was because he was too busy having fun and playing, but it is unlike him..that hasn't happened in fact the whole time he has been placed with us.

Secondly he has been all over me (well MUCH more than in recent weeks). Some of you may remember he wouldn't sit beside me at all, only on my back. He still constantly wants to be on my back but he snuggles in on the sofa with me now. The biggest change in him recently was when DH came home. He had been gone weeks, and he simply just said 'Hello Daddy' as he came in and plonked himself right next to me for more snuggles! No cuddle for DH or anything :O HUGE turn around from the last time DH was home!! He actually spent most of that day by my side.

So whether or not those changes are just coming out because of the time he has been with us/he is getting more used to the fact I 'am not going anywhere' (although he still worries about this it is evident). Or if it has been enhanced by the clubs - I have no idea it could be an element of all kinds of things..

Re my job, this was (a month ago) to possibly give me a bit of 'head space' but instead I have joined a gym program and have been doing some of the courses available online for attachment etc through our SW (also planning our wedding!). But things have changed since then and I am in a much better place emotionally. I am learning how to deal with DSs controlling behavior, to the point where I don't even notice it exists most of the time now. We are bonding, and I no longer constantly 'count down the hours of each day' everyday! But that having been said, the main reason I almost feel pressured into going back (it is hard to explain) (and certainly NOT until at least the arranged 6 months is up) is with having shares (they call them units) within the company, when the company sells (when I joined they said two years, it is now 4 1/2 years later) I will get a payout, which will of course help me and our families future. The founder of the company has done this previously, and a lot of the partners received amounts that quite literally helped them to purchase their 1st home etc...

So that is it basically, it's hold on to the hope that they will sell soon so I don't have to worry about our financial situation in our future, or to leave and get a more suitable job part time/school hours and cut my losses there, and focus on our little DS. I realise this is quite an unusual setup to most, but the company has basically dangled this carrot over all of our heads and were all waiting for the same outcome.. I hope that all makes sense. Put it this way, not many woman who have children work for the company, I could count on one hand how many do and there are hundreds of employees.

For those of you who may not have read my previous threads, our DS was part of DHs (well to be DH this year!) family, unfortunately his birth mum was unable to look after him (for different reasons) so of course we loved him very much and didn't want him leaving the family, so our setup is probably quite different to most, we are yet to try for any birth children as we are focusing on DS until he is more settled.

We didn't have support groups, or have any formal training (which is why I've pushed for the online courses). I am ever so keen to speak face to face with other adopters as I feel this would help a great deal, thus far I haven't had this opportunity. I am not even entirely sure of the adoption process most of you went through, if it is even the same as to what we en counted.

Apologies for the long and probably rambly message I just write as I think :) I do appreciate coming onto this board it has really helped me through all of this so much, as you can imagine I didn't know what to expect and was very (what it feels) ill prepared.

x

I went back part time 6 months after DC1 arrived, when they were 2 and a bit. However DH also went back part time so we shared care between us and never been to a CM or afterschool club. With DC2 I took a full year but they were doing some nursery sessions from quite early on and did go to day nursery a bit when I went back. Also had to share me with a furious and challenging DC1

DC1 who probably had more of our physical time and attention has some significant attachment difficulties and possible ASD. DC2 is doing very nicely thank you. As with any child, it's hard to discern cause and effect!

I would agree with those above who have said that 3 months is very early to make a decision and that after school club, starting school plus grandmother care would be very likely to throw him.

However, I'd also like to reassure you that in attachment terms you are playing the long game. I think we feel, as adopters, and are fed the line by SWs at times, that if we get it 'right' (whatever right is) our children won't develop attachment issues. As you pick up, this puts a hell of a lot of pressure on in the early months of a placement to monitor how we think the attachments developing.

From several years now with DC1, I would say that the forming of a stable, strong bond happens over many years and you won't even notice it happening. Even with DC2 who has been far easier, there was an imperceptible shift over a long period until you suddenly realise anyone who gets between you and them is toast!

So - I think what I'm trying to say is don't worry (if you can) about exactly what's happening now - if you need headspace while he's at school , as I would expect, perhaps find other ways to get that for now.

do think about how you can organise your work pattern over the next several years to give you the very important time for you and financial security you need, and the emotional energy and availability to support that developing relationship with DS. It WILL come - I thought DC1 would never accept me over his dad but these days they snuggle down at bedtime and mutter 'you're the best mummy in the world' ...

Good luck!

Buster you sound a lot happier and more relaxed. That is great news. Hope you find some adopters in real life to meet up with. Our county does a 'buddy' scheme. Why not ask your authority if they can hook you up with people. Good luck.

I'm going back pt leading up to full time to get ad used to being apart for slightly longer each day. If I don't go back I will go stir crazy with boredom and loneliness. I'm sure you can do it in a way that won't be detrimental to your lo.