What's your "cover story"? Do you have one?

[RabbitRabbit78]

"Cover story" is probably the wrong phrase hence the quote marks. We are about to start going to a local toddler group after only having been to an adopted children's toddler group before. I am nervous about what to say re why we haven't been before, what to do when birth stories come up etc. I am in no way ashamed of adoption or anything like that; I do however worry about DS being labelled in the future, as the people at the toddler group are also likely to be going to school with him. I don't feel that I want everyone to know, as really it should be his choice as he grows up about who knows his story. I am finding this tricky as I am naturally a very open and honest person and I don't like the thought of deceiving people but at the same time as an ex teacher I know how cruel children (and TBH adults) can be.

What do/did you do in this situation? Am I overthinking it? Should I just tell people if it comes up?

"oh how interesting, how old was she" is what sprang to my mind too.

Ditto, Teen and drspouse

At the risk of pointing out the obvious, please remember that your cute little adopted baby/toddler will soon grow up. They may even become a charming and delightful teenager. Who may have a view on what you have told friends /relatives and has now been passed on to their friends. Teenagers are known for having opinions.

Everybody feels sorry for a dear little baby who has been neglected by parents with addiction problems. It's easy to ooh and ahh and oh dear and tut tut at the shocking stories and sordid details. It's tempting to spill the beans and dish the dirt. That's how the daily mail makes it's money after all.

However, the baddies in these stories aren't some hapless celebrity . They may be unfortunate, stupid, feckless , selfish and occasionally quite evil. They are almost always victims of bad choices by themselves and others . But they are still the the biological parent of the aforementioned cute baby.

And even if you, the adopted parents, forget all these stories you have shared, others won't. They will recall them when your ( adopted ) teenaged goth /whatever has been found drunk at a school dance /scout disco/family party or is caught shoplifting or bunking off school.

As an approved adopter waiting for our child I just wanted to say IVF found this conversation really helpful. I was worrying about how to answer questions too. Thanks guys

Kristina is absolutely right about they won't always be little and what they are happy for people to know when they're 4 isn't necessarily what they'd be happy with at 13.

But its often a bit difficult in practice to shut it down, partly because I live in the same area I adopted in and some of the people I knew when we first came back are in school with DS. Added to which DS was very voluble about it in reception so th egenie was well and truly out of the bottle.

I find explaining it to teachers in reception/yr 1 more difficult - they have a tendancy to treat adoption as a lovely thing and think educating the class about it is the way to go

I have stopped with the adoption diarrhea stage where the first words out of my mouth "he's adopted" to every random stranger. Thankfully. I am matter of fact about it if the subject comes up for legitimate reasosn just "he was adopted" and find the "private not secret" approach is they way to go.

Where classmates of DS's have wanted to discuss his adoption and "why his real mum gave him up" I have said very firmly that's private and he doesn't talk about that at school, if pushed I ask if they'll share something private too and we can all talk about private things. That tends to nip it in the bud.

You could do a variation on that as its good to get into the habit whilst DC's are with you and you may as well practice it now "thats private and we don't talk about it at playgroups, but if DS wants to talk about it one day that will be his choice"

Mostly people don't assume DS is adopted and the subject rarely comes up unprompted these days.

This is really interesting! I remember meeting a mum and her toddler at a library rhyme time when DD was a young baby and one of the first things she told me was that he was adopted and had only been with her a couple of weeks. I think I said something like 'how interesting / lovely / exciting' so pleased that that was a reasonable response. I think I might also have said that I wouldn't have realised which seemed to make her happy at the time but might not have been the right thing to say.

If I met an adoptive parent at a toddler group I don't think I'd press for details of the child's past but I'd probably ask some questions about the process in much the same way that people might ask about birth stories if they met someone with a new baby.

I have no adopted children but I think it's probably better to be honest and say simply "he's adopted" and leave it at that. If you say nothing then people may gossip anyway which would probably be worse. If people pry then you can always say that you would rather not discuss further, as is your right.

Sometimes though you don't want to get into your DC's background with all and sundry, so sometimes I don't bother bringing it up, I just smile and nod.

I know that some friends who are aware of him being adopted have shared this with friends who didn't, but that's fine. They can all speculate and gossip all they like as long as they don't do it in front of me or him, or let it affect how they act towards him.

Just today I was asked in the playground "where's his father from?" in front of DS - perfectly innocuous question and I could have answered "he's adopted" which I would have done at one time. Now I just say "Kazakhstan" which inevitably ends up in a discussion about Borat which is just fine by me!

DS knows that saying his father is Kazakhstan is not a lie and that just because people ask questions doesn't mean you have to answer them. It normal to be curious but that doesn't imply any onbligation on him or me to satisfy that curiosity.

I don't have one and tbh I found people tend not to ask out right questions that would need me to tell them my dd is adopted. But if they
did I'd just be open about it.

So far people have been great about it and I've had no negative comments. My eldest dd goes to primary school so dd2 turning up was very noticeable so I just told people who commented on it.