What's your "cover story"? Do you have one?

[RabbitRabbit78]

"Cover story" is probably the wrong phrase hence the quote marks. We are about to start going to a local toddler group after only having been to an adopted children's toddler group before. I am nervous about what to say re why we haven't been before, what to do when birth stories come up etc. I am in no way ashamed of adoption or anything like that; I do however worry about DS being labelled in the future, as the people at the toddler group are also likely to be going to school with him. I don't feel that I want everyone to know, as really it should be his choice as he grows up about who knows his story. I am finding this tricky as I am naturally a very open and honest person and I don't like the thought of deceiving people but at the same time as an ex teacher I know how cruel children (and TBH adults) can be.

What do/did you do in this situation? Am I overthinking it? Should I just tell people if it comes up?

We had no choice, BS already in primary school and live in a small place
I am very open about adoption but very private about history
I don't think it is beneficial to hide it, ir may make the child feel it is something to be ashamed of
Stock phrases to ward off nosey questions are useful though

I don't have any adopted children, but I have been to a lot of toddler groups and don't recall ever having a conversation about how other people's children were conceived or born - or at least not until I had become good friends with someone and was seeing them outside the group iyswim.

I don't pretend they are not adopted but you will get the 'why are they adopted?' questions so prepare for that. Most people don't ask really.

It's most intelligent of you to have decided what to do in advance of tricky situations - you aren't over thinking it at all.

In my opinion, on balance probably better to be open about it. You would otherwise find yourself looking awkward when asked about birth and pregnancy stories (they do come up) and other similar details. It really links in with your DS - will he always know he is adopted? If so then if you keep quiet to others, your DS would have to run two stories - that of knowing he is adopted, but such-and-so mustn't know, but such-and-so does know. If you're not planning on mentioning it til he's older, well, that's a different thread anyway.

If it comes up, you could just say your DS is adopted but wouldn't go into anything more than that, if people ask further q's which are uncomfortable to answer I would just say "I'm not really used to talking about the details, we look to the future mostly instead of the past" or something like.

Consider also that it can be a burden to "choose" who you tell if you are adopted in the future, like it's a dark secret that only select people are allowed to know, and there's the risk that he would feel like he's being disloyal by breaking the "cover story".

GL and I think you sound like an amazing Mummy for considering this issue as sensitive and pertinent, which it is :)

Thanks for this interesting thread which is something I've been thinking about while we've been going through the process.

Would people be able to share some of the useful responses they've used to probing or intrusive questions? Perhaps even when people weren't being rude but just genuinely didn't realise you might not wish to share. It's aways helpful to have some scripts IME.

I don't hide the fact that my DS is adopted and it has never come up in conversation at toddlers. People join toddler groups later for all sorts of reasons including moving to the area, change of job situation/ working hours etc.
you needn't worry and as the others have said it's not worth hiding it as you'll probably get yourself in knots trying to remember how knows and who doesn't.
Good luck xx

I have always been open about the DCs being adopted and as you've rightly sussed, people will ask questions which beg a difficult answer. The simplest I remember was being asked whether I worked and saying I was on 'maternity leave' - but of course with a toddler in tow it looked like the most generous provision in the world!

Owning up to being an adoptive parent also relieves you of the need to pretend you know what you're doing with a toddler

I dont think it does anyone any favours to try and keep it a secret - on the other hand it is totally up to you how much information you give out. I have discussed some of the bare bones of DCs history with very close friends. Anyone else gets told that it's their information and we wouldn't want to share it with others before DC are old enough to hear it themselves!

If you are open about the fact but set firm boundaries on the juicy details I think the fact that your DC are adopted soon becomes yesterday's news.

Hope all is going well!

I am very open about my ds being adopted too. I definitely want him growing up to know adoption is nothing to hide. I normally get patronising reactions like " oh you are doing a wonderful job" which I just shrug off.
If people ask why he was adopted ( which is v rare) I just say he had the most awful start to his life and was badly neglected but the details are for ds to share if he wants to when older. I just then try and change the topic of conversation!
My ds is older and it is well known at school that he is adopted. Ds is "different" because of what happened to him as a baby. This has helped explain to people why he behaves as he does and I have experienced nothing but support and kindness even if people don't fully understand.
C xx

I don't have adopted DCs but I do know families with adopted DCs. In general they are open about the DCs being adopted if it comes up but they don't volunteer the information as it is their DCs private life. Certainly I've never known anyone ask why the DCs were adopted - I think that would be very rude. I know if asked about their DCs past, and why they were adopted my friends would politely refuse to answer. It's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

Thank you all for your responses! Am glad to hear that people are open about it and don't regret it because tbh this is my preferred option... And yes DS will always know, he's a bit young to understand yet but we would never hide his history from him as it's part of who he is. I think I've been unlucky and experienced some very nosy/tactless people (work colleagues rather than friends) who, when we said we had been matched, asked if he had a terrible past or words to that effect and really fished for the gory details!

I am completely open with my children about their own adoptions. However I believe it is their information to share as they wish not mine.

They do not wish me to tell people at toddler group , school etc that they are adopted, so I do not. I would never dream of telling any of their information to anyone, even close friends or family. There are many cases where people fall out years later and the information is used against the child.

For us, there is a difference between something being secret and private .

Eg it's not a secret that DH have sex but our sexual relationship is private. I would only discuss it on a " need to know " basis eg with my GP. To do otherwise would be disrespectful to my DH. It's not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of the fact that we have sex. Indeed, I'm very happy with our sex life. It's just not anyone's else business.

For is it's the same with adoption. I feel strongly that if parents want to share, they should discuss their OWN personal information, not their child's .

I have rarely been asked direct questions about the birth of the adopted children. If women are swopping labour horror stories, they might ask " was x a normal delivery or a section? " or something similar. So I just answer truthfully. If they press for more details, I just say something like

" oh that a very long story,you don't want to hear it "

Or whatever people in your area say when they mean " I don't want to talk about it "

It's actually very rare for people to ask directly. Mostly it's just a conversation opener so they can tell their stories.

If you decided to tell casual aquaintances about your children's background, you need to be prepared for a lot of questions. Eg why were they taken away? Was it drugs/drink? Were they in prison ?

You also need to know that people think that all adopted toddler and children are deaf, so they will feel free to say very inappropriate things in front of them eg

They are so lucky to have good parents like you now

She's so pretty, I can't understand why anyone could give her away

I hope they appreciate what you have done for them

You are such a wonderful person. I could never love a child who wasn't my own

I was once asked by a nurse ( while my child was in hospital, so her adoption was on the medical record ) " was her real mother a prostitute? " . I have no idea where she got that from or why she thought it was ok to ask. It wasn't in any way relevant to the medical problem . And It was in front of the child .

My standard answers for situations like that ( where you want to tell them off but can't ) is " I'm sorry, that I information is confidential "

If I want to rub it it ( eg to a doctor or teacher ) I add " I'm sure you appreciate that in your profession"

Other replies for nosey family and friends include the above plus

What do you want to know ? < followed to head tilt and puzzled face >

Gosh, that a very personal question !

I'm sorry, that's x s information, not ours to share

If they don't take no for an answer I have been know to add " wait a minute, I'll just get him through and you can ask him yourself " . Obviously only works if the child is old enough

Once people have asked a few times and got no information, they will give up. It's just a passing phase of nosey ness for most people. The novelty soon wears off

Practical point -you can just say you are on a career break or parental leave from work rather than maternity/adoption leave.

I don't hide the fact that my daughters adopted, but nor do I tell everyone we meet!
I'm often on the receiving end of questions, particularly as I'm a person wi two heads (single parent adopter) 'Oh, so they LET YOU adopt then, do they?', and 'WOW, You're SO BRAVE!' are the most common responses.

People generally ask if I know my daughters background/history. I simply reply that I do, but that I don't discuss it with people, because the first person I intend to talk to about it, is her. It is her life, her story, it belongs to her, not me. That often stops people from launching in with random and inappropriate comments/questions.

Enough people at toddler group knew me from DS's school or the neighbourhood that it was obvious that DD had only just joined our family. So I never brought adoption up proactively, but if the conversation turned to eg birth stories where I would have been lying to pretend that I had delivered her, I would just say that she was adopted. I have a range of stock answers about other typical toddler group issues eg if everyone was doing the "who does she take after" thing, I would say that DH is really tall also and DD has the exact same shape feet as me and my mum. All true...

Oh, and I am very happy to be quite blunt about refusing to talk about DD's background. Usually, "that is personal to her" is sufficient, but "I won't tell you that" gets the message across ( usually to very well meaning people) effectively too

I'm another one who is always very open about my children being adopted but I wasn't prepared for the sheer number of times I found myself having to tell people or having to explain why I was doing certain things. On reflection it would have been a good idea to have had some answers prepared but I really had not expected to be put in the spot so often.

Examples of this :

" ooh someone looks just like his mummy!" ( that always made me laugh but the first time it happened I just blurted out that he was adopted!)

" wow he's a big boy! Is his dad tall? What was his birth weight?" ( answering I don't remember wasn't really adequate even though it was true and I never did manage to memorise it!)

" oh why are you feeding him jars? Surely he would prefer home made food?" ( this one left me speechless! - I'd only had him two weeks!)

" Oh why does he still have a bottle?" ( this one was probably because he was so big for his age but he did have a bottle for longer because I was advised not to take it off of him so soon after being transferred from foster home)

A cover story would have been a waste of time as I went on to adopt DD when DS was three so everyone in my community would have known then anyway. You can't really explain the sudden appearance of a 10 month old baby.

Just picking this up from active convo's and thinking I started going to several toddler groups at various times and you could give very general, but still honest, reasons such as you thought you'd try a new group, you didn't have anything much going on on a wet Tuesday morning, you thought (now he was older) it would be good for him to meet more other children his age, you thought it would be nice to get out and meet others for some grown-up conversation, you thought he might meet some children he might later go to school with ....
Just saying not everyone goes to all groups from baby days upwards
I think you're very thoughtful to think it through beforehand too

I found I needed to be open with at least some at toddler group. I needed to be able to ask the other mums about basic stuff that by the age of 2.5 I would have been expected to know already.
ditto turning up to school mid year with a year 3 child!

I used to answer 'why are they adopted' questions with a general answer 'children in care system, poor parenting etc etc' not giving specifics. Adoption is part of who we are as a family, and mentioned if relevant, reasons why are for the children to share or otherwise.

I did get asked once at toddlers how much DD2 weighed at birth and I said I couldn't remember! I also got chatting to a mum in a playground once and we discovered our children were born in same hospital at about same time. She said 'oh so we must have been there together ...' - I was non committal!

The schools know the DDs are adopted, it is important background information (and of course from April they will qualify for PPP). I assume that most of the parents of DD2s friends know she is adopted, but it is also possible they knew once and have since forgotten. But then, by now I have a reasonable idea of who is a single parent, which children see their dads, who has elder siblings etc etc, so to me being adopted is a bit similar.

By telling people, I was able to be myself, and to tap into knowledge that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. I was also introduced to other adopters. I personally have found people to be universally supportive. (Perhaps I have been lucky in this).

Interestingly, even people who know one of my DD's is adopted don't necessarily twig that the other one is adopted too!

I also got people saying how like me DD2 looked, etc which is amusing.

I always say it's not a secret but it's not the first thing I tell people either.

Usually they are more curious about him coming from overseas and I just say children need adopting for the same reasons in his birth country as they do in the UK (they never ever ask what those are!), and they also quite often ask if we know much about his birth family and I do then tell them usually that he has two older birth siblings who can't live with their birth parents either so it wasn't that likely he'd have been able to.

If someone accidentally said something that caused you to say "DC is adopted", is there a suitable response? Dropping the conversation would seem abrupt, platitudes patronising and questions intrusive. What would you like to hear?

"Congratulations"? I suppose! Though I don't mind "oh, how interesting, how old was he when you met him". Not "got him", he didn't come from a shop. And when I tell you the answer, the correct answer is "oh how lovely" not "why so young" or "oh he won't have any problems then".

Please don't say "oh he's lucky". And not "oh, you can't tell".