Considering Adoption

[Lottystar]

I have a young family - two ds, one is 3 in March, the other 2 in April. My dh is in the Army and I'm a stay at home Mum. We have discussed the possibility of adoption for some years, even before our children were born as we both adore kids and hate to think of children without a loving family and stability. It's something we feel deeply about. However, I've read that your children have to be of a certain age before you can adopt - is that true? Also, I've read that local authorities do not always look favourably on families in the Forces due to all the moving. Grateful if any advice on this pls too? I must also ask how the birth parents involvement impacts on the adoption and family? I'd imagine this can be hard when trying to settle a child within a new family environment? How much access can they have? I should point out that we are thinking a few years ahead as my boys are still very young and we would like a third child too. I just want to start getting information to see if our thoughts are realistic. Thank you

Firstly welcome! Its great that you are considering adoption. I'm not sure of the guidelines about age gaps between existing and adopted children. I think it varies according to different authorities. The forces lifestyle can be an issue as you have identified as a more settled lifestyle is preferred.

Adopting a child would have a massive impact on your family and any assessing authority would need to know that you understood this. Sadly, the vast majority of adopted children have lots of issues, physically, psychologically and emotionally and need much more attention than an average birth child. This is due to their early life experiences (including pre birth!), they will have experienced abuse/neglect and/or been exposed to drugs and/or alcohol in the womb which can also cause lifelong physical and mental difficulties.

I have known people in your situation that have successfully gone on to adopt, with a large age gap between birth and adopted children (8+ yrs).

You would need to seriously consider wether it would be in your DCs best interests as adopted children are very demanding and can be very disruptive and manipulative. I have two adopted DCs whom I love dearly but they are very hard work, it's not their fault, it's the survival strategies that they have acquired and the impact of substances on their developing brains.

You will find lots of info on here! Good luck

Hi, sorry not really any advice to give here but if you get in touch with ssafa you can adopt with them rather than local authority ( my hubby used to be in raf and we looked into it then) and they provide with support for being in forces. If you google them you should get their details or will be available from your camps hub/hive x

It would be a good idea to try the armed forces adoption agency when the time comes, www.ssafa.org.uk/how-we-help/adoption you're guarunteed a favourable reception on that front!

Yes your children need to be a certain age - the standard age gap rule is that your new adoptive child needs to be at least 2 years younger than your youngest child. However some agencies wil have a slightly different rule, so you can check that with your potential adoption agencies. Most agencies are therefore not going to let you begin the process until your youngest is at least about 3 and a half to 4 years old, so you can be approved for a 0-2 year old child with a 2 year age gap. I would suggest at least a 3 year gap as a good thing, just my personal opinion

Birth parent involvement - in terms of contact, you're usually talking one or two letters a year going back and forth. The birth parents may reply to your yearly letter/2 letters, or they may not. If you're comfortable with this level of contact, you'll be fine, becaus this is the level of contact the majority of children are placed with. A small number of children need actual visits (normally 1 or 2 a year), usually older children. You also need to consider siblings - how far are you comfortable keeping your new childs sibling relationships going? Would you be happy to do sibling visits?

Aside from contact, you have to talk to your child as they grow up about their adoption and why they were taken away from their birth parents. You have to support your child with whatever they are feeling about their situation and birth family

As your child reaches their teenage years and beyond, then you need to start thinking about more contact - in terms of, will the birth family seek out my child using social media, or will my child seek them out etc etc

How this impacts on a family totally depends on the situation. For an older child, dealing with their emotions surrounding losing their birth family can have an impact on them settling in for sure. For a small child, the main issue will be their grief and confusion at losing their foster family, not their birth family. Ongoing letters may have a big impact or a small impact, depending upon the childs feelings, how it's managed, what the birth parents write, etc. It can't be predicted I'm afraid so up until you actually get matched with a child, you can only make decisions on what level of contact you are comfortable with and how you are planning to talk about it as your child grows up.

Hope that helps

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to answer my questions, it is a huge commitment, I appreciate that fully, and my husband and I would ensure we had 100% agreement before proceeding forward.

From the sounds of it a decent age gap would probably be easier although I thought that if the children were of a similar age to my dc they could grow up more naturally as siblings.It is how it may affect my existing children that is my main concern although I am sure it can be a very enriching experience for them too once the child has settled into the family unit.

I would be fine with sibling visits - it was the worry of a lot of involvement from the birth parents that I was more concerned about as I just imagine that is can be hugely difficult for the child, although I can appreciate each situation is very different and unique.

Good advice about SSAFA too. Something I'll keep in mind if we have more questions although I'm hoping my husband will be out of the forces before we proceed.

It is so sad that a child has to deal with the physical and mental impact of a difficult start in life, just utterly heartbreaking

Lottystar, I was approved to adopt a child at least 2 years younger than my birth child (who was then 3). In the end, I adopted a baby aged 10 months when my dd1 was rising 5. The age gap is almost exactly 4 years.

At the time, I wanted a smaller age gap as I thought this would help them be companions. In retrospect, I think the agency were right to insist on a wider gap. I think too close an age gap can mean more competition and rivalry, and more naturally leads to a birth child feeling displaced. Even 4 years apart, my two are completely bonded as sisters. They adore each other and play together a lot more than I would have expected. And being 4 years old has meant my eldest can be more mature and understanding of the younger one's needs.

Talking of needs, I'll just say that my adopted child had the all-too-common experience of neonatal withdrawal from drugs and came to us with ? fetal alcohol syndrome. She is still only 4 and too young for us to rule out any effects. But I'll also say that she is bright and healthy and beautiful and we are very, very lucky to have her.

Devora, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I did reply the other day but my iphone app seems to lose my replies a lot! Interesting thoughts on the age gap, more I hear of others' experiences the more I agree that a decent age gap is a positive. So sad to hear of your daughter's formative experiences, even in utero. Sounds like she's found a lovely family now though

BPs don't really have 'access' and 'involvement', they have contact arrangements, usually letterbox, sometimes direct face to face. e.g. we do twice yearly letterbox with BPs and once yearly with GPs. We send photos, many don't.

agree with everything lilka wrote so won't repeat it!

We just went to an open evening about adoption and were advised our existing child needs to be 3 before we can start the process.