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Adoption

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Original poster

Newborn attachment

14 replies

Mama1980 · 29/12/2013 15:49

Hi I have posted before as some of you know I took custody of my dds birth mothers newborn daughter a few weeks ago. She was in hospital for several weeks as needed medical treatment but has been home 2 weeks now. She is feeding brilliantly and seems very happy but she will not be put down by me for a second or she just screams, she has only been sleeping on me anything else and she howls.

I've previously had two very clingy babies my youngest is 13 months so I can manage I have her in the sling etc. but I'm scared almost to put her down incase it affects attachment. With my youngest sometimes he just had to go down (he's better now) for a while but I'm terrified of messing this up. I know it's very early days and I'm happy as things are but I'm not sure to what extent in a few months to encourage her to go to other people, be put down etc?
Sorry if that's not very clear, but so far the hv and ss have basically said she's doing great, we are happy etc. so any experienced opinions would be great
Thanks.

OP posts:

lougle · 29/12/2013 16:01

Whenever you encourage independence you may find that you have a battle, but I really wouldn't make that time now. It sounds like she's had quite a traumatic start to life and every day and week is such a huge proportion of her life that it really will make a difference.

When you do make steps to encourage her to other people you can start really slowly - handing to the person next to you for one minute, etc., so she can still see you.

Booboostoo · 29/12/2013 17:26

Congratulations on the new baby!

I don't have experience of adoption but just wanted to say that some babies just naturally crave a lot of contact, sometimes with just one person. It was 9 months before I could put DD down (back breaking and tiring as that was there didn't seem to be any other option as I was not comfortable with letting her cry) and she would only spend limited amounts of time with DP. Even now at 2.5yo she is still quite attached to me and if anything goes wrong (sick, scared) she sticks on my like a limpet (admittedly a cute, but sometimes tirying, limpet!).

KristinaM · 30/12/2013 12:43

Two weeks is very early days. If I were you I woudl go on carrying her as long as you can. Remember your bio children had been carried by you for more than 10 months By this stage.

I'm sorry, I know it's very hard work. Esp when you have a toddler too

Baby might be hyper sensitive as well, due to pre natal trauma and the time in hospital, which is very hard for a tiny baby. It might be worse if she is drug affected too

PheasantPlucker · 30/12/2013 16:45

Totally echo what KristinaM says above.

Take care of yourselves x

Kewcumber · 30/12/2013 22:11

I'd keep her attached to you like glue for as long as your sanity can take it.

Devora · 30/12/2013 22:48

I agree with the others, though I can only imagine what it is like having a baby superglued to you while you also have a young toddler to care for. So: keep her as close as you can for as long as you can. But if you feel your sanity slipping, I'm sure no-one on here will judge you for taking care of yourself and doing what you have to do to keep yourself on the tracks for the long haul.

Annunziata · 30/12/2013 23:07

My DD came home at about the same age, and she was exactly the same. It was so, so hard. Have you got a sling or carrier? They are very handy and keep them close.

Best of luck.

Haveacwtch · 30/12/2013 23:22

Congratulations.

Can you try a sling? A moby wrap would be good. My first ds would not be put down and he was carried in a sling for the first 6 weeks.

Original poster

Mama1980 · 31/12/2013 15:30

Thanks everyone I have had two clingy babies before and I have baby girl in a sling all the time, she hasn't been put down at all really since coming home. It's just with my birth son I would have encouraged him to go to my mum, his sister etc for example while I went to the bathroom, It didn't work most of the time but was ok for a few minutes but Is it ok In a few weeks to do the same with baby girl do you think or should I wait a lot longer?
I can manage with whatever, I just don't want to make a mistake, she's been through so much already. I spoke to the dr about drugs use by her bm being a issue but while definitely a possibility I was told to not focus on that aspect right now as she is doing great and the drs are very pleased.

OP posts:

BigArea · 31/12/2013 15:41

I remember your previous thread Mama, and I think you're amazing. I'm no expert but I reckon your new DD has more reason than most to be clingy and would imagine that she will benefit from as much closeness with you as possible. However that can only be within reason - you have the rest of your family and yourself to think of too. So do what you can, and don't feel guilty if you have to put her down/give her to someone else from time to time. You really are doing an amazing thing

FamiliesShareGerms · 03/01/2014 13:05

I'm a pretty slack parent in lots of ways but I reckon in your circumstances you really can't keep her with you too much at the moment. DD was much older when she came to us but we spent hours and hours with her just sat on my lap. She's now incredibly independent, only clingy when tired or poorly (as they all are!) As Kristina says, a bio child would already have developed a close physical bond with you.

Kidsarehardworkbutgoodfun · 05/01/2014 08:17

My youngest child constantly wanted held as a baby, and it was awful because he was my 4th, but I felt if I put the time in I would reap the benefit later and that has proved to be correct. He's 8 now and has been confident and happy since toddlerhood.

I think it's amazing what you're doing. I guess you're partly feeling guilty because it's harder to get the ordinary household tasks done. In the long run the cleaning will still be there, but you may well have a much more happy and confident child because you're making such an effort now.

Take care, it does see like forever at this stage, but it does all pass so quickly.

Original poster

Mama1980 · 05/01/2014 08:54

Thanks everyone
I have her in a sling at all times and she seems very happy. She actually is sleeping far better than my 13 month old at the moment so long as she is on me. She makes the cutest little frown when she is sleeping, gets tiny wrinkles up her forehead, it's so sweet it looks like she is concentrating really hard on something, my dd reckons that she's deciding how long she can keep me still for before I just have to move
I promise Housework is a thing of the past round here, thank heavens for my mum!

OP posts:

BigArea · 07/01/2014 00:35

Oh she sounds so gorgeous Mama, I remember when you met her for the first time you said how incredible she was. You're a hero

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