The waiting seems to be the toughest part!

[Familyfinder]

Hi, My DH and I passed at panel at the end of July where it was discussed and suggested that we should try and adopt a child without additional needs (because of my history of anxiety/depression).

Over the last 4-5 months we have been sent profiles of many children but I would say 75% have been of children with additional needs and the remaining children we have shown an interest in we have not got any further with.

We have specified that we would be interested in a girl up to 3 years old. I understand that we may have greatly reduced the number of children open to us but time and again I have read and people who have adopted have stated that you should make sure you know what you can deal with and the type of child you would like to adopt. Are we being too picky?

I see profiles and read accounts of some of the children with additional needs and it breaks your heart but I know the panel would not contemplate us adopting a child who would ultimately prove too much for me. It all makes you feel really guilty. I have spoken to my SW and the Adoption Manager but nothing changes. Any ideas please? Or do they just send through information about any child that comes their way?

We had the opposite situation where it took years to get to approval but we were matched in a few months.

In my experience your social worker should be filtering out unsuitable profiles and sending on those they think match your criteria. It may be worth another chat with your sw to make sure you are on the same page with regard to what sort of children you will/are able to consider.

Girls (we were told) are easier to place than boys. Is there a reason why you definitely can't accept a boy? Unfortunately even without the gender specification an under 3 with no additional needs does limit you somewhat and it's likely to take longer than average (whatever that is!) to find a match.

However... What I can tell you is that when you do get your match, it will all be worth it and you will see however long it took as the time that was needed for your child to come to you.

Hang in there. We were approved in Feb and then identified our DS in August and went to matching panel in November. I looked at several CPRs but none felt "right" until we saw our boy.

I don't think you are being too picky, if you have your reasons for wanting only a girl (we only wanted a boy or a sibling group with at least one boy) of 3 years or below - but perhaps be broader about their "needs". Sometimes, CPRs can paint a worst case scenario - when the reality is much better. You could perhaps meet the foster family/doctor if a girl seems almost right but you have concerns. We were quite broad about needs - even looked at a child with mild cerebral palsy.

Hang in there - how proactive are you being at looking at children? Have you gone to any open days run by LAs (Kent ran one end of August) (although I appreciate these aren't for everybody - but it might be an education). Are you looking on bemyparent? Adoption uk?

I'm afraid it's a problem of supply and demand.

Mots adopters want a child without special needs. Most waiting children have special needs.

Many adopters want only a single child, while many children are in sibling groups.

Most want a child as young as possible, so there is a lot of compettion.

Of those who express a preference on gender, most want a girl. But more than 50% of children needing familes are boys.

Most adopters are white , while many wanting children are of mixed heritage.

So there are very few children In the system that you would consider. When you find one, there is a lot of completion for that child, as you have discovered. That's why the SW for these children have not got back to you. If they have a lot of enquiries, they can afford to be very fussy about who they consider. while you feel you can only take on a low risk child, they don't have to consider higher risk families like you.

So either you will have to be prepared to wait , and hope that a SW for the type of child you want will consider you. Or you will have to be more flexible in your requirements.

This is how the system works. Everyone wants the best child for their family. Every matching SW wants the best family for their child.

Speaking to the manager or complaining will change nothing. This is how the system operates. It's about finding families for the children in care, not finding a child for parents who want one.

Sorry, I know this is very hard :-(

Thank you for your replies though I would not agree with KristinaM that we are a 'high risk family' if you are referring to my depression/anxiety I can assure you that I have no residual problems with this and you would not know from meeting me that I have suffered with this in the past.

Well obviously I do not know you and I am not a medical practitioner. I was simply going by what you stated in your OP - that the adoption panel felt that you couldn't cope with a child with additional needs. You said this was because you had a history of depression and anxiety. I understood this to mean that you were at higher risk than average of developing these problems again .

I'm sure I couldn't tell anything from meeting you.

I wish you good luck in your search

After reading what you wrote op "lHi, My DH and I passed at panel at the end of July where it was discussed and suggested that we should try and adopt a child without additional needs (because of my history of anxiety/depression)."

I think that if your ruling out children with additional needs it may pretty rule out 90% of children also the fact you are white and looking for a female only

Most looked after children either have additional needs or a uncertain future .

• also what you have to take on board is that if sw feel you can not deal with a chilling child due to issues in the past this may have on effect of children's sw wanting to take things forward

You. Have a child say who has additional need or unknown future and sw is presented with 6 families they may struggle to pick your family simply because sw don't want
1- a disruption
2- phones calls asking for lots and lots of support

I am not judging however be prepared to be passed over for families who ay offer little to know issues for send rightly or wrongly will be viewed as pretty much able to get on with title intervention after child is placed a lot of sw just won't take the risk espically if there is a disruption it's almost impossible to get the child placed. A seconed time.*

Your sw seems to be saying you need a child who has not much issues lest it brings on your anxiety what she has not said is that you have overcome your anxiety and will be better able to deal with any type of child

Sadly this part of the process is firmly I the hands of children's sw and they are know for being very very picky