Swimming and Social Skills

[Hels20]

Hi everyone

Wondered if any one had some advice.

Our DS is 2.5 years and came to live with us a month ago. He is our only child and came from a foster family with 2 children who were several years older.

Everything has gone much better than we expected but he is very anti- social. He is gorgeous when he is just with me and DH - seems v happy (though his speech is delayed, he is bright) and we don't have too many tantrums. He is also pretty good with adults - and has interacted nicely and appropriately with my parents.However, he is v anti- social with other children - to the extent that if we are in the park and another child climbs up the ladder to go on the slide - he starts almost growling at them and then can't get away quickly enough. (The park we take him to is v quiet. Usually only 1 or 2 other families.) Has anyone else experienced this? I need to start socialising with my friends during the day a bit - they are all dying to meet him and I need some adult conversation from time to time and so I wanted to ask a couple of friends for "play dates" though of course it will be one at a time but now I wondering if I should just let things be for a while. When he was with foster family, he did go to mother and toddler groups once or twice a week and I am hoping to go to a music class once a week for 30 mins in our local church hall.

Separately, I took him swimming for the first time today. Foster Mum took him occasionally and he had his own swim suit and swim shorts. He was fine going to the pool but just refused to get in. There was a slope that I could walk into the pool from and he clung to me and just started crying and then shrieking - so of course, I gave up and as soon as we were out of the water, he was back to being his happy self. (He loves Bathtime.) Obviously, this was an error on my part and I won't take him again for a while - but I was always brought up that swimming is important because drowning for children is a high cause of death. (I also imagined holidays in France and Spain with his cousins, lounging round a villa and pool.)

I think with swimming that he just hasn't been enough and wasn't taken early enough for him not to have anxiety about it. Of course, no big deal really if he has a phobia about swimming and pools (I just think he will be missing out). But I wonder if anyone else experienced this - just because our children have been in care and foster families don't always have time to take foster children swimming.

Any thoughts any one on either of above points? (Anti-social issue is my main concern.)

Thank you.

Hi

Firstly congratulations

Secondly, as an experienced adopter (though still learning) give him time. Much more time than you think. If he's only been home a month then as happy as he obviously is with you and your DH his world has been turned upside down in ways that he can't begin to understand, and he will be violently resisting anything that makes him anxious. And for a two year old other children are quite anxiety provoking at the best of times!

He's probably scared and trying to ward them off. As far as play dates go, I'd say it was quite early to start. Absolutely you will want to see your friends but I'd try and make it a brief visit with no expectation that DS will interact with them or the other kids at all. If he does, great, but don't expect it and make sure you have briefed the other parents not to get uptight if he is difficult.

Swimming I'd just try again in a few months. My DS was terrified of water at that age and now swims just fine and loves the water. It may well just be all too overwhelming right now.

All the very best and just take it easy - so difficult at this stage!

PS having re read your post I do think you sound as if you're very well tuned in to his reactions and not forcing the pace, which is good.

We've had two adoptions at around the 2 mark, one was very anxious and anti social for ages, the other was skipping off to nursery within a few months of arrival.

If you continue to give things a gentle try, keep expectations low and back off when he gives you the signals that it's too much for him, you won't go far wrong!

All the best

Ds was phobic about water - to the point that I couldn't actually wash him in a bath to start with. I persisted in taking him to the pool to help him get over his phobia but not until he was really securely bonded with me. If you don't 100% trust someone then I don't see how you are going to believe they will keep you safe in something you're scared of. Waiting another year won't hurt him re the swimming as he isn;t going to be on his own in water for quite some time. I learnt to swim when I was 3.5 and I swim like a fish!

It sounds to me like 1 month after placement is too soon for playdates for him. He may have been going to play groups with FC's but presumably he had been with them a little while not a month. He may feel threatened by other children as he probably feels you aren't his yet and has only recently lost one set of adults (of course I'm speculating).

A music group where he sits on your lap all the time may work - ask if you can do a trial lesson if its the kind where you don't pay as you go.

Can you do coffee with friends whose children are either much older or are in school to give you some company.

Its a difficult phase when you are desperate for adult company and they aren't really ready for more socialising yet.

Difficult for you all understandable afraid you have too go with the flow DS may have underlying problems he may be aware of and no one ever will know ever, Best you be as natural as you can be, if there is a problem he will in his own time explain or you will be able too work out
enjoy things together too easy too look at problems sure their will be many. Our ds would talk about things he experienced years later just ad live in the car, on a walk, triggers whilst listening to the radio in the car, That happened too me only like ??? . You are doing all the right things , it will take time , inclusion is the way forward. good luck

Thanks all for your responses. Kew- thanks for reassuring me about swimming age. I will leave it 3 months and try again - and if I get the same reaction, leave it again for another 3 months. It will be better when speech is better! His FC had said he had been swimming - and liked it - but obviously not in his memory!

As for play dates - I have perhaps used the wrong term. A couple of friends just want to stop by for maybe an hour with their children (probably only 1 child) but maybe I will suggest not to come - or only with their elder child or on their own. This sounds so selfish on my part but I do crave a bit of adult stimulation on my part.

We have booked in to a music class for once a week, starting in mid Jan. He can sit on my lap - and we watched one session from the sidelines and he didn't seem stressed. He sat and just watched (but didn't leave my lap).

And as for the park - I will just have to be led by him and accept he growls at other children (but yesterday I did say "darling, other people are allowed to play. If you don't like them near you, then let's go to the other swings."

It's so difficult. I am aware that, as much as he is happy, it could all yet explode!!!

Hello Hels - (I'm not an adopter but have some related experience so please ignore me if not helpful).

I think your idea of a coffee with a friend with an older child is a good one. Do you have a friend with a perhaps sensible 8+ dc who would understand that ds may not want to play? They may be willing to do some parallel play alongside ds could that he could choose to join in with or not. If you prepare them before coming for a short visit with limited focus on ds I'm sure they'll want to cooperate.

I did have a swimming phobic ds about the same age as your ds who screamed if carried into the pool as soon as his feet touched the water. The trick we were told was to bring his bath toys to the pool. We had a few sessions playing with the toys in the shallows without ds even getting wet at first - the pool had a gentle slope like yours - by the third session he was happy to be carried waist deep into the water to catch his ball in a bucket.

Congratulations

Hi, our DS is 4 & we had similar concerns with regards to introducing him to other children & family members too soon.

We did this really casually, at a coffee shop where he wasn't expecting to meet anyone. We also asked others not to make a fuss.

To our surprise where he found most comfort in meeting new people especially children was in his own home. He loved showing the kids his new bedroom & seemed very proud to have his own room! Perhaps if they "popped around" while he feels in a comfortable place he may interact a little better?

Re swimming, I took him two weeks into placement on my own (he was/is more comfortable with DH), he is very timid in the water & at that time chose to cling onto the side of the pool instead of me! We haven't been since, but he did enjoy it still. I agree with previous posts if he is just finding his feet & is still learning to trust you & his new environment perhaps giving him a little bit of time may be best.

I am only 8 weeks into our DS living with us but thought I'd still share my thoughts :)

I'm yet to successfully take DD swimming two years after placement...

DS didn't start swiming properly until he started school and is now a really strong swimmer - unless you live on a barge or have a particularly water based life, I wouldn't overly worry about a 2.5 yo not being able to swim.

And now I keep thinking about a SW's reaction to being asked to do the H&S check for a barge....

Congratulations.

The younger of my two was the same age when we adopted her. It was different for her as her older sibling came with her.

A month a really early into placement, and it is likely he is still feeling unsure of lots of things, even if he can't verbalise it, and may well have regressed his confidence a lot.

2.5 year olds don't tend to play together much really, they may play alongside or ignore normally.

I think that if your DS can cope, it would be fine for you to have a friend round with their little one. It is important that you get time to be you, and for you to have trustworth adults you can get advice from.

Shame the swimming didn't work out. Next time maybe try as suggested upthread, take him with toys and play beside the pool and see how he gets on.

I found the first 3 months hardest, and then found my feet.

Sounds like you are doing really well.

TandT.

ps. Elder DD was effectively a non swimmer when she came to us aged 8. After 2 terms of 1-1 lessons privately she did swimming at school, where she had the best style in the whole class! (though stamina was poor).

So no rush, (though it is super fun).