Gender preference by extended family

[Broodymomma]

Feeling a little hurt by something that was said by my mil this Xmas. We are 8 weeks into placement with the most perfect little boy. He has been the perfect addition to our family and after a shaky start we have all settled and are very happy.

We have a 6 year old bio ds and are now a happy family of 2 boys after 7 years of infertility hell and 6 Ivf.

My mil declared it would have been nicer to have a little girl! Wtf! She already has a grand daughter and now 2 lovely grandsons but I can sense a overwhelming resentment we did not adopt a girl. How do you deal with that??

Tell her to go jump.

That's a horrible thing to say. It sounds like you have a lovely little family after going through a really hard time. Sof what she says!

Wishing you fun and happy times ahead

Lol I think I may quote that very soon!

Broody I think that is a terrible thing of her to say. I have heard people say one of each is nice and I feel that is very cruel. Children are a wonderful gift. I would either tell her how hurt you were by that phrase (I really hope it was not in front of the children) or simply put it in the past.

If she says anything again I would simply say something like "I am so delighted with my lovely family. I really hope you will be happy for us as we are."

I sometimes think kindness can be the best response because if you do encounter a negative comment rather than confruntation with another negative comment you can model a positive comment and if she response with more negativity you just counter with more positivity. They will be able to grow up together and the older one can share some of his wonderful interests with the baby brother, and can get to play again with the toys he loved etc. Of course this would be possible with a girl too. but I would just say kindness and positivity is hard to argue with.

"you're right. Just like it would have been nice to have a non-judgemental grandma for them"

Horrible comment for her to make. One off fine but I would have to pull her up on it a second time.

Congratulations on your new son. Your mil was way out of line and if you had a bio child you couldn't have chosen the gender anyway. People seem to think that adopting a child is like picking your favourite thing out of a catalogue. I agree with Italiangreyhound, try to counter with a positive statement. However if she persists with this, get your DH to talk to her and explain that she is really hurting your feelings and she should accept your little boy as he is.

Thanks everyone. Just really saddened me. She herself has 2 boys and makes no secret she was devastated not to have a girl. She insists I am desperate for a girl and that's why we were adopting even commenting as such to our social worker I was mortified. When we were matched to ds I explained to her for us it was more about finding the right child for our family and the child we found just happened to be male could have just as easily been female we couldn't have cared as long as they were right for us.

Just seems so sad after all we have been through that people can be hung up on as choosing to adopt a boy. Who is scrumptious perfect and just the right fit for our family.

Smile and nod...

And head over to the 'Things Other People Say' thread where cake awaits the 'worst MIL' winner which I am quietly confident will be mine if we ever decide to tell the old besom

Glad you're so happy :)

What does your DH think about her comments?

I would address this quite seriously with her. Seriously, directly but not unkindly.

Tell her that you are sorry she didn't get the family she longed for, but you are not her, you are delighted with your boys, and that it is not yours and DH's job to replicate the family she would have liked.

And that her comments are very upsetting to you as you have been through so much to get your perfect family - but worse, if she continues to talk like this the boys will eventually pick up on it.

I was thinking about this over the weekend.

Was thinking that it's amazing really, given how much gender disappointment there seems to be out there, that all I've seen here (in the Adoption section) is people saying it doesn't actually really matter. I think that's great; that people, who might have been through a lot to get their family, come to a reaslisation that boy/girl is pretty irrelevant really.

Or have I got my rose tinted glasses on? :)

Make sure she never says anything like that in front of your DS. He will need to and deserves to feel loved and unconditionally by all his family. I'd have a word if I was you.

I'm strongly recomment "Principles of Attachment Focussed parenting" Daniel Hughes - its a hard back and highly effective when applied liberally to the back of a head.

If £19.40 is too expensive, a brick would probably get the message across quite effectively too.

Ha ha kew cumber your brick comment made me laugh.

I think she just can't get out her head that I am not desperate for a girl. She has not said it infront of my sons or I would have been having a serious word.

Poster above is right though to me after all these years/miscarriages/Ivf/ adoption process I could not have cared less what gender either of my kids were I just still can't believe I have 2 healthy happy children.

Haha Kew

Gender preferance and adoption is a very interesting subject actually, I want to start a thread on it. Given that in adoption not only can you actually choose gender but you are encouraged to think very carefully about everything you will 'prefer' (from number of children to age to gender to special needs etc), the statistics on it and people's honest thoughts about preferring a boy or a girl are really interesting

I was approved for a girl only in '95, and another girl only in '03. DS was my unexpected son. So many things come into play when thinking about gender - your existing family structure, what you think will work within that, any deep desires you've always had, your beliefs and experiences up till that point, wanting control in the process, wanting a suprise, etc etc

The statistics for the UK, I think, show that the percentage of boys vs girls adopted is near enough 50/50. But for international adoption, statistics from the US very clearly showed a preference for girls - as a cohort, parents preferred girls and were much more likely to request a girl - even when adopting from a country which either has far more boys in orphanages than girls, or where the waiting child poulation is 50/50 with regard to gender. Eventually some countries wound up with a situation where you would wait x amount of time to be referred a boy, and double that for a girl because the vast majority wanted girls. No one quite seems to know why

Your MIL is projecting her own gender views onto you and in her mind you do think the way she does, at least in secret! You haven't fulfilled HER desires, what you've done hasn't matched up with HER dream, and some part of her resents you for it, especially as she knows you could have specified a girl

But her gender issues are her issues, and thankfully you don't share her views! You have a beautiful wonderful son

I would personally avoid any future discussions of this subject with her. Gender bias is often quite deep rooted and personal IMHO and nothing you say is likely to make her feel differently

It would be nicer for your 2 sons to have a lovely Granny but hey they have a lovely mummy and daddy and each other so something obviously had to give !