Introducing myself! Wanting to adopt in the future

[neroli38]

Feel slightly awkward now!

I'm 38, my husband is 39 and we have a 2 year old daughter, who will be 3 in March. Trying to think of what else is important...no criminal history, we have a big house with spare rooms, I know I will need to take some time off work but was hoping to go back at least part time in the end

I've wanted to adopt for quite a while, and my husband is very on board and keen as well. We want just two children, so it was the plan to have 1 then adopt 1

Originally we thought we would start the process soon, and adopt a child aged about 5-8, but we've found out about age gap rules etc now, which I got an explanation for on my other thread, and our local council told us we can phone back when our daughter is at least 4 to start the process and we could adopt a child at leaast 2 years younger than her. By the way, we truly don't want to 'order a child' or anything like that, I felt a bit hurt by some of the responses, we want two children and maybe we were a bit naive about adopting older children, but we want to give a child a home and parents and love etc, and don't feel the need to have another baby ourselves

All this has left me with a lot of questions, about the process, and the childs and so on! I hope maybe I can get some answers here

I was wondering about younger children who need to be adopted - what kind of needs do they have? How do we or social services decide exactly what age of child to adopt, or what 'needs' we say yes/no to? (I got the impression that we can do that on the other thread)

How long does the process take? I was assuming about 18 months-2 years, is that right or not?

I have many more, I'll start with those ones!

Hi Neroli (great name).

I am not yet an adopter but will try and answer a few questions. I am approved to adopt (with DH) and we have a birth DD aged 9.

Normally these boards are very supportive, so I expect someone else will be along to give some good advice.

The process is supposed to take about 6 months now. Although once you are approved you then have to wait for the right match, which could take any length of time.

Good luck. Keep posting and reading, I have found these boards very useful.

Hi Neroli, I was reading your thread in aibu but didn't post as I didn't really have anything extra of value to add.
Like yourself I'm waiting to start the adoption process. Myself and Dh were relatively far through the assessment process when my Dh developed a health problem and we were asked to wait a year before continuing.
We can start the process again in Jan.
So I feel your frustration, wanting to take the next step and being told to wait for what feels like forever.
Someone with more knowledge will be along shortly but the new process is meant to be completed within 6 months I think to be approved but then you need to be matched with a child etc.
The adoption process has changed lots this year but it has been changed to make the approval process faster and make it easier for a child to be released for adoption. So if a birth mother has recently given birth to dc8 all older siblings in care or already adopted and her circs at home have not changed the child is likely to be available for adoption very quickly (instead of spending two years plus under the previous system).
The needs of a younger child sounds to me to be mainly around the unknown aspect. I.e. development delays not being clear of its due to neglect or learning difficulties. Fetal alcohol syndrome is an issue as it's very difficult to diagnose in younger children.
I'll stop talking soon I promise, but I've just read a brilliant book by Sally Donovan called no matter what. It charts her adoption story from infertility to her children being late primary school age. I feel it encompasses both the positives and negatives adoption can bring. It's a good toe dip imo

I have some Neroli essential oil, I love it. Anyway, hi and welcome Neroli! :)

The process from starting to being approved as an adoptive parent, is supposed to take about 6 months, as Italian said, but it may take a few months longer. After that, from being approved to finding your child, that's very variable. It can be less than a month to over a year. It's pretty uncommon for it to take more than 18 months, so the entire process from start to bringing home a child could be anywhere from about 10 months - ~2 years. So a big difference! But hopefully not any longer than that. It does depend on which children are available for adoption in your area, and what kind of child you are open to

Within the age gap restrictions, you can specify an age range. Your SW will have their own opinion of what age child you should adopt - I think some social workers have a 'vision' of a certain aged child being adopted by the people they are assessing! But hopefully you'll all be in agreement about the right age. Don't go higher or lower than you are comfortable with. I know a couple near me who would like to adopt a child aged 0-2, and they told me they were a bit perplexed because their SW said she could 'see' them with a child aged 12-18 months, whereas as they didn't really have a preference other than 0-2!!

The process should give you lots of time to think about what 'needs' you feel able or not able to accept. You will actually have a form to go through with you SW, which has a massive long list of needs or background issues, and you have to say yes/no/maybe to each. You will have time to research various needs yourself. Your SW again will have an opinion on whether you're being realistic or whether he/she thinks you would cope well with a certain issue or not

What needs do the younger children have? Well, it varies a great deal. Most have been taken away from their birth parents, not willingly placed for adoption

There are many reasons why this could be. There are often multiple reasons. A young child may have spent some time living with their birth family, but they may have been placed into care at birth because it was felt to be too much of a risk to let the birth mum parent at all. Reasons might be

• drug and/or alcohol addiction, also quite a lot of the waiting children may have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero

• Birth parents have learning difficulties or mental health issues which prevent them being able to parent

• The parents have extremely chaotic and dysfunctional lifestyles, and emotional issues

The parents may also be involved with the criminal justice system

• Neglect/abuse of the child

• Neglect/abuse of the childs older siblings, with the younger child being taken away because of the risk of suffering the same abuse the older siblings suffered

• Domestic violence, and the birth parent not being able to leave their abusive partner. Alternately, any problem partner, for instance a birth mum having a paedophile as a boyfriend and refusing to leave him

Additionally, for adoption by local authority approved adopters, none of the childs extended family can adopt the child either, either because they also have the same issues, or they don't feel able to for various reasons (age, health, already raising children etc)

If anyone else can think of anything, please add!

Hi, we've just adopted a 20 month old DD and have a 5 year old birth DD

I think now the process has changed a bit now so from the first meeting to panel (when you get approved to adopt or not) should only take 6 months. They will then look at finding a suitable child. This could be 'how long us a piece of string'

Our process from start to when our DD came home was 12 months

As for what situation has the child been through, that again could be anything. Your social worker will work with you on what's best.

The needs the young children have-

• All the above are background issues that may be in play

• A child may have a diagnosed special need eg. Downs Sydrome, Cerebral Palsy etc

• They have developmental delays, which may be for a reason, or may be unexplained

• They may have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero, in which case it's uncertain what kind of affect that will have on them

• It's not known how a young child will develop or how much their past and background will affect them, so you have to come to terms with the uncertainty of it

• A child being moved around, taken from birth parents, or having been through other traumas, may have emotional issues, or attachment issues (this is something you should read about, we can recommend several good books). At a young age, the child can't understand why they keep being moved, and have lost their mummy, it's just very frightening and confusing for them, so they can show it with difficult behaviour, and might take a long while to trust you. My son came home aged 23 months, he is an absolute joy to parent, but he does have and has had a lot of issues with feeling insecure and worrying that I will send him away - so he has been more anxious than most children his age, overly clingy, afraid to go to school etc

• Most children waiting for adoption will have contact with their birth families. Usually these are letters that you write to the birth parents either once a year or at most twice a year. Letters can also go to siblings. Some children though do need face to face meetings, usually with siblings in this age group but rarely with their birth parents, again once-a few times a year

It took us about 18 months from the start of our home assesment to our son moving in with us.

You will have long discussions with your social worker and husband about what you are or are not prepared to take on. Things like more complex medical needs, a history of sexual abuse, varying degrees of neglect, ADHD, family histories of mental illness, drug or alcohol abuse in the birth mother, maybe not knowing who the father is, and loads loads more - even if you left every box unticked, you still have to be prepared to accept a great level of uncertainty in their development. You would both need to be able to discuss how you might tackle certain issues and be prepared to seek help in the future when you might need it.

There are quite a few children under 2 waiting to be adopted, or there certainly were in our LA.

I thought you received quite a bashing in your earlier post, and understand how you would be upset because you had recently had your dream of how you saw your family in the future questioned. Dont let it get to you - its early days and if you want it to happen I am sure it will. Just read LOADS and LOADS. Theres a great book by Sally Donovan called No Matter What - an honest, funny and very insightful book about their adoption. Your whole idea of parenting will have to adapt, as ours has. Good luck!

Hi - welcome! - no need to feel awkward. The world of adoption is very different to what most people think it is. I've found that as an adopter I have to spend a fair bit of time re educating people about it. The media like to portray adoption in a very unrealistic way.

I remember being a bit miffed when the local authority didn't exactly roll out the red carpet the moment I and my DH finally came to the decision to adopt. And even more miffed when we went back for number 2 and I didn't get the VIP treatment!

Most things have been covered already but one of the things I thought you may want to be prepared for is that SS will insist on you using contraception once the process starts. This comes as a shock to some people. They will expect you do not be planning on having another birth child.

Also you will have to provide names of anyone you have previously been in a relationship with ( lived with). For me this meant SS writing to an ex boyfriend I hadn't seen for 15 years and asking him to provide a written reference about me. That felt awkward!

I've mentioned a couple of fairly negative things but on the positive side I have two gorgeous children , both adopted at 10 months old. Both times the process from application to the baby coming home was 18 months ( which I think is a very acceptable time scale).

You really will get a good grounding in what's involved if you spend some time on this board. There are some fantastic regular posters on here.

Heya,
just to add that if you want to get things moving sooner, it is worth looking at other local authorities. If you go to First4Adoption, there is an agency finder which will list all LA and/or VA in order of distance. Depending on where you live, there might be quite a few within 20/50 miles (some will say 20 miles as maximum distance, some give 50 miles).
We started asking around a couple of months before our son turned 3, and signed up/started the process after a little (unnecessary) delay, when he was 3.3. (We could have signed up immediately, but chose to explore other LAs first, then when we came round and went back to the first, there was some admin mix-up causing another 2 months delay) Our local authority will start assessing families from the moment their youngest child turns 2. A different LA we talked to, and who would have taken us on, said that over half of 'their' children were under 12 months old at placement, and hence they were much keener on prospective adopters looking for very young children than they used to be, even just two years ago. Whereas the LA where we live, told us to come back when DS was five, they wouldn't even talk to us properly on the phone before then.

I didn't see your other thread, but it sounds like you are in a very similar situation as we were half a year ago!
I'm not saying you shouldn't wait. Just, that if YOU feel you'd like to get things moving sooner, there usually ARE options.

Hi Neroli and welcome to the adoption boards. I am still pretty new to the whole process myself - we started in June this year and have been told today to expect to be going to panel around February next year. These threads are fantastic at answering questions and supporting through the process so don't feel awkward. I would definitely use this time to do some research on attachment issues and understanding the process as it can feel very daunting at times. It will also challenge many of your perceptions of what you would like to achieve and if you are anything like me, you will find yourself making changes to your life that you originally never anticipated or perhaps would have done with another birth child. Good luck with your adoption journey. Xxx

Hi Neroli - not much to add to what people have already said above already from a practical point of view as I started the process 10 years ago and DS has been with me 7 years this month and the process has changed quite a bit in that time.

I just wanted to say please don't feel awkward about being naive. I'm sure we've all been there at some point or other - I'm worse than most in that I was quite naive about the impact of adoption on DS even a year or two after he was placed with me. This lead me to doing/not doing things with him that I would do differently now and I wish I had been more clued up and less naive earlier, even though compared to some DS has very few adoption related issues.

We have a happy family though and all the little extra quirks of parenting that have been necessary from time to time are really no price to pay for the pleasure of having him with me.

There is also no shame in changing your mind about whether adoption will work for you/your family after you've considered it properly. Read the adoption threads and spend some time thinking it through. I'd like to think that although we can be a little direct and have a slightly more quirky sense of humour than some people would like, we are very supportive when push comes to shove.