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Adoption

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Original poster

thinking of adopting - am i suitable?

13 replies

kittylette · 13/07/2006 19:47

hi,

this is just going to be quick, as ive got alot of washing to do, lol

im a 21 year old mum of 2, my sons are 18 months and just 1 month old,

ive always wanted to adopt, and know the process is long and drawn out, so i am thinking of starting it now.

Although, admittedly, i am young to have 2 children and looking into adopting a third, i know im a fantastic mother, and love doing what i do - i dont think age is a huge factor in parenting.

I am in a stable relationship of 6 years, ive been with my partner since we were both 14,

we rent a 3 bedroom council house, and my partner works full time,

our house is tidy, my boys have everything they want and need and id really like to extend our family through adoption,

can you tell me if you all, as you have experience with the process, think that we are suitable candidates?

As much as i want to do this, the process, and feeling of being 'judged as a parent'is quite daunting!

thankyou,

kitty

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 13/07/2006 20:00

well I know buggerall about the process but wanted to say:

  1. good for you and
  2. how far have you looked into it? there was a brilliant interview in the guardian two saturdays ago with a woman who's written some good books about adoption, having adopted 4 herself. she pointed out that seeing as no-one gives up day old babies due to social stigma any more, adoptees are often very mixed up and a lot of hard work, even if they were taken away from their parents at 6 months. If you have two already, it's well worth reading as much as you can first i think.
Kaz33 · 13/07/2006 20:03

I think that if you are looking to adopt and you already have children then you need to have a big age gap between the two you have and the ones that you adopt. It may be different for babies but they are few and far between.

It is admirable that you want to give something back to society but maybe you need to give it a few years, you are very young still and still have loads of options.

bran · 13/07/2006 20:15

I think you would be great. We have just adopted a little boy who was placed with us at 10 months and I think it's the best thing I have ever done. The assessment process is very long and tedious but we got on very well with our social worker and I never felt judged by her at all (although I did feel that way about some of the other social workers I dealt with). To be brutally honest though, the process is bad enough that if I could have had birth children instead I would have, especially after we had been approved when we waited ages to have a child placed with us.

Social services usually require that the adopted child is the youngest if there are already children in the family. Plus they like to have a 2 year gap between the adoptee and the next youngest child. Add to that the fact that children are rarely placed under a year old and it all adds up to your youngest child being at least 3 or 4 before you would be able to adopt. There's no harm in contacting local adoption agency now for more information if you want to, but they probably won't assess you yet.

suejonez · 13/07/2006 22:05

Just wanted to add that everything Bran said is exactly my experience too. Start asking but expect to be assessed until you're youngest is at least 2. And its bloody hard!

Original poster
kittylette · 13/07/2006 23:09

can i ask what you mean by 'its bloody hard'?

the process? the actual assement?

thanks

Kitty

OP posts:
suejonez · 14/07/2006 10:21

For me the process (questions about my previous relationships, can they contact exDP etc), the waiting (waiting for homestudy to start, waiting for a match), frustrating bits of papers (medicals, CRB checks)etc. And I was terrifed going to panel on my own and I was unlucky as my local councils panles are known to be more difficult than most.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been entirely without its high points - I have met some lovely people along the way who have become friends and when junior is home I'm sure it will all seem very unimportant, but as I'm still waiting, I'm a little biased!

Don't let me put you off, I'm sure it will all be worth it, but go in with your eyes open and perhaps your situation (married, longterm stable relationship and parenting experience) will make it easier for you.

Nanou1 · 24/07/2006 13:43

do you have any news SJ? what is happening with your adoption process?

suejonez · 25/07/2006 12:35

It's driving me very slowly around the bend...

My papers are in Kazakhstan and have been there for 6 weeks (should have been approved in about 3) and have mysteriously disappeared into some faceless black hole called the Ministry for foreign Affairs. If they pop out soon ie this week, then there's every chance I can travel in September. Otherwise they hit the August shut down and I will be further delayed.

Still, I'm being positive

(thats a manic fixed grin not a happy smily face BTW)

beemail · 25/07/2006 19:33

I do remember this stage - somehow you feel so much more in control when it's all going on here. We too hit closedowns, religious holidays and the courts going into recess. However, eventually it all came together! I think patience cannot be overemphasised as a prerequisite for potential adopters and it's just so hard isn't it. Hold on in there - try not to focus on a particular month it may or may not happen in September and you will be dissappointed whatever if it doesn't happen but maybe all the more so because you had that month in mind. I found I just had to keep saying to myself it WILL happen and..... hopefully soon and not think in terms of dates. Christmas came and went and her birthday came and went but shortly afterwards she came home and all the waiting was so worth it. Good luck!

QueenEagle · 25/07/2006 19:47

Sounds to me like you would be great from what you wrote in your op. As to whether you would be suitable or not, well that is what part of the approval process is for, to discuss your skills and your motives for wanting to do so.

Can I suggest if you have any doubts whatsoever (not saying you have but you need to think of all the cons as well as the pros) then how about fostering kids of the age yoiu would be looking to adopt? This way you would get a great insight into what you would be letting yourself in for and you'd be building up a wealth of experience too. Maybe a good start to test out your own kids' reactions - you don't truly know how they would until you do.

I fostered for about 11 years all in all, all ages from 6 months to 14 years old. Our first was placed with us when I was pregnant with my 2nd baby and dd was about 20 months. Three of those I helped with the transition from me as their foster carer to their permanent adoptive placements.

The process to approve you is long (about 9 months), very in depth and probing. You will discover quite a bit about yourself too during the many interviews with your link worker from SS. A couple of the interviews will be you on your own (likewise your dh) but most will be joint. Gradually the link worker will build up a profile which will be presented to a panel who then rubber stamp it. Then hey presto - you await your first placement!

Have you taken any steps yet to get set the wheels in motion?

Nanou1 · 26/07/2006 09:13

oh SG... i do feel for you... i agree with beemail. am at work and very busy but we'll catch up tomorrow night. x

suejonez · 26/07/2006 09:59

Thanks, Nanou, and do you know I might even go mad and get the tube instead of driving and have a drink!

Nanou1 · 26/07/2006 10:45

i do intend to use public transport tomorrow night because i am keen to have a G&T don't let me drink on my own pleeaaase

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