Relationship with foster cares how to manage, research on transition etc

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all we are approved to adopt but not yet matched. Reading of others experiences with foster carers, and knowing in real life a totally wonderful foster carer, I wanted to think about advice for 'managing' the relationship with foster cares and research on transition from foster care to the new 'forever' family!

Any advice, links to websites or guidance very welcome. When we finally do get matched I want to go into the whole thing well prepared and know how to have a positive relationship with foster carer for new little ones best interests! If that makes sense.

Thanking in advance....

Thanks Scarlet, Famlies and coldfeet, I am welling up reading your stories.

I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. It all seems so bloody scary! I really hope I can manage all this well. I think I would want to try and keep in touch with foster carers. are there pros and cons of process?

Thanks.

We kept in touch with FC and although it has fizzled out a bit recently (we haven't seen them for ages, as they have to come to us rather than us to them and they have been poorly) we will eg exchange Xmas cards and send a photo of the children (they are always keen to hear about DS, not just be all about DD, which is particularly lovely). Again I would think this works betteer with younger children than older ones who may have more mixed feelings about FC, particularly if they had contact with birth parents when living at FC which may have been traumatic or the association may be an unwelcome reminder of their past.

I think what I'm trying to say is that so much depends on individual circumstances that you can't really plan it at this stage

Our DS has been with us a month now, when he was first placed with us I often text his FC to see if certain behaviours were normal for him etc. she has always said that she would love to hear from us with regards to how he is doing, so a month in I put together a lovely email with various updates on his progress & a few pictures - she replied absolutely delighted with this - having been previously placed with her for two years they love him very much.

However, I ran this past our social worker just for advice who proceeded to tell us we shouldn't send such updates & Christmas cards & birthday cards etc are more than suitable.

Our DS isn't aware of this communication so it is not affecting him, & when the time is right he will also be allowed to send her cards/aware we communicate, once he is fully settled..

I was wondering your thoughts on this?? Should we just stop the communication as advised?

Thanks :-)

Buster go with your gut instinct. I have to say IME social workers move on because they have to. It would be nice for the previous carers to have gradual closure if you are comfortable with it. Communication will naturally peter out.

I agree, if FCC have been helpful and supportive of the adoption plan, you should I keep in touch as long as you wish . Once you have an adoption order , it's not of the SWers business anyway.

When your child is older, he might have questions about his early years and they will be able to answer a lot of his questions. They often have met the birth parents , so can be helpful there. And it will be very important to him to know he was so loved and well cared for by the FCers.

The more open you can be with your son about his past, and the more he knows, the easier it will be for him to deal with it all. The FCer are an important part of this .

So it's not about what one worker thinks is appropriate, it's about your child's best interest.

So do what you feel is right and don't discuss it with the SWer .

Thank you all, this helps a lot :)

As it happens our DS has just opened up to me about it all this weekend, lots & lots of questions about his FC & 'tummy mummy' - I am going to take this as a positive step that he feels confident & comfortable with me now to discuss this. I am being as open & honest as I can be, in a kind hearted way that he can understand.

Have any of you encounter such conversations & have moved on positively since?

Many thanks :)

I think these conversations are indicative of the resilience of the child. Also IMO trust in others is a large part of that. This sounds very positive for you all. Is your DS staying permanently? Are you his final move? This will be as important to him as talking about his previous families. The fact that you are able to talk to him about his past will be very comforting for him. You being matter of fact and honest will help him feel safe. We sometimes make the mistake of thinking the child has processed all of the explanations given by well-meaning adults. Can you imagine all these life changing decisions made, your entire world changing, all the new people, places and info you need to absorb? And you are expected to leave your previous life behind? I once had a 'text book' placement move (sw speak!). Child was coming to me, I lived in the country. SW told him he would be surrounded by fields. The child thought he was going to a cemetery. ..... this only came out 3 months into the placement. I was Anyway, I digress. Sounds like you are doing well so far Buster. It is a very positive move.

Should we just stop the communication as advised? bollocks to that!

Why would you drop communication with someone who was a large part of your sons life whom you have no problem communicating with and they have no problem with it either? Makes no sense to me at all. You can choose how much of the contact you share with your DS.

I always tell DS about how kind his carers were before he came to me and how one of them in particular loved him and came to say goodbye to him and cried when he left. I think its important for children to know that they were loved and cared for before they came to you, that they were not alone... I think it teaches them that they are worthy of love and that they don't have to earn it. In DS's case he does sometimes (even now) struggle with the idea that you can be loved just because you're lovable, because you're you and you don't have to earn love by being good enough.

Yes we are in the process of adopting him, this will be his final move & he knows us as his forever mummy & daddy.

He has only just started opening up to me about it all, & he has only just recently allowed himself to sit on my knee etc so it could be an element of him allowing himself to get close to me??

He said "FC didn't want me anymore" which of course I explained was not the case at all & she loved him very much. I went into as much detail as felt appropriate & he seemed to take this all in & spoke openly about it.

I really hope this is just another step in the right direction of our relationship & bonding.

I agree with regards to the contact with his previous FC, I appreciate so much what they did for him & feel they also deserve to know he is well. Likewise I feel when the time is right it will be great for our little boy to know we are friends & he can hopefully continue to build positive relationships from this??

Thank you all! :)