Relationship with foster cares how to manage, research on transition etc

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all we are approved to adopt but not yet matched. Reading of others experiences with foster carers, and knowing in real life a totally wonderful foster carer, I wanted to think about advice for 'managing' the relationship with foster cares and research on transition from foster care to the new 'forever' family!

Any advice, links to websites or guidance very welcome. When we finally do get matched I want to go into the whole thing well prepared and know how to have a positive relationship with foster carer for new little ones best interests! If that makes sense.

Thanking in advance....

[Buster51]

Yes we are in the process of adopting him, this will be his final move & he knows us as his forever mummy & daddy.

He has only just started opening up to me about it all, & he has only just recently allowed himself to sit on my knee etc so it could be an element of him allowing himself to get close to me??

He said "FC didn't want me anymore" which of course I explained was not the case at all & she loved him very much. I went into as much detail as felt appropriate & he seemed to take this all in & spoke openly about it.

I really hope this is just another step in the right direction of our relationship & bonding.

I agree with regards to the contact with his previous FC, I appreciate so much what they did for him & feel they also deserve to know he is well. Likewise I feel when the time is right it will be great for our little boy to know we are friends & he can hopefully continue to build positive relationships from this??

Thank you all! :)

[Kewcumber]

Should we just stop the communication as advised? bollocks to that!

Why would you drop communication with someone who was a large part of your sons life whom you have no problem communicating with and they have no problem with it either? Makes no sense to me at all. You can choose how much of the contact you share with your DS.

I always tell DS about how kind his carers were before he came to me and how one of them in particular loved him and came to say goodbye to him and cried when he left. I think its important for children to know that they were loved and cared for before they came to you, that they were not alone... I think it teaches them that they are worthy of love and that they don't have to earn it. In DS's case he does sometimes (even now) struggle with the idea that you can be loved just because you're lovable, because you're you and you don't have to earn love by being good enough.

[musickeepsmesane]

I think these conversations are indicative of the resilience of the child. Also IMO trust in others is a large part of that. This sounds very positive for you all. Is your DS staying permanently? Are you his final move? This will be as important to him as talking about his previous families. The fact that you are able to talk to him about his past will be very comforting for him. You being matter of fact and honest will help him feel safe. We sometimes make the mistake of thinking the child has processed all of the explanations given by well-meaning adults. Can you imagine all these life changing decisions made, your entire world changing, all the new people, places and info you need to absorb? And you are expected to leave your previous life behind? I once had a 'text book' placement move (sw speak!). Child was coming to me, I lived in the country. SW told him he would be surrounded by fields. The child thought he was going to a cemetery. ..... this only came out 3 months into the placement. I was Anyway, I digress. Sounds like you are doing well so far Buster. It is a very positive move.

[Buster51]

Thank you all, this helps a lot :)

As it happens our DS has just opened up to me about it all this weekend, lots & lots of questions about his FC & 'tummy mummy' - I am going to take this as a positive step that he feels confident & comfortable with me now to discuss this. I am being as open & honest as I can be, in a kind hearted way that he can understand.

Have any of you encounter such conversations & have moved on positively since?

Many thanks :)

[KristinaM]

I agree, if FCC have been helpful and supportive of the adoption plan, you should I keep in touch as long as you wish . Once you have an adoption order , it's not of the SWers business anyway.

When your child is older, he might have questions about his early years and they will be able to answer a lot of his questions. They often have met the birth parents , so can be helpful there. And it will be very important to him to know he was so loved and well cared for by the FCers.

The more open you can be with your son about his past, and the more he knows, the easier it will be for him to deal with it all. The FCer are an important part of this .

So it's not about what one worker thinks is appropriate, it's about your child's best interest.

So do what you feel is right and don't discuss it with the SWer .

[musickeepsmesane]

Buster go with your gut instinct. I have to say IME social workers move on because they have to. It would be nice for the previous carers to have gradual closure if you are comfortable with it. Communication will naturally peter out.

[Buster51]

Our DS has been with us a month now, when he was first placed with us I often text his FC to see if certain behaviours were normal for him etc. she has always said that she would love to hear from us with regards to how he is doing, so a month in I put together a lovely email with various updates on his progress & a few pictures - she replied absolutely delighted with this - having been previously placed with her for two years they love him very much.

However, I ran this past our social worker just for advice who proceeded to tell us we shouldn't send such updates & Christmas cards & birthday cards etc are more than suitable.

Our DS isn't aware of this communication so it is not affecting him, & when the time is right he will also be allowed to send her cards/aware we communicate, once he is fully settled..

I was wondering your thoughts on this?? Should we just stop the communication as advised?

Thanks :-)

[FamiliesShareGerms]

We kept in touch with FC and although it has fizzled out a bit recently (we haven't seen them for ages, as they have to come to us rather than us to them and they have been poorly) we will eg exchange Xmas cards and send a photo of the children (they are always keen to hear about DS, not just be all about DD, which is particularly lovely). Again I would think this works betteer with younger children than older ones who may have more mixed feelings about FC, particularly if they had contact with birth parents when living at FC which may have been traumatic or the association may be an unwelcome reminder of their past.

I think what I'm trying to say is that so much depends on individual circumstances that you can't really plan it at this stage

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks Scarlet, Famlies and coldfeet, I am welling up reading your stories.

I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. It all seems so bloody scary! I really hope I can manage all this well. I think I would want to try and keep in touch with foster carers. are there pros and cons of process?

Thanks.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Our bloody brilliant FC (60 odd foster children) handed over to us from the outset: I was changing a nappy, feeding DD, all of that basic carevgiver stuff on the first intro session. This was age appropriate for DD, might not be the right thing for an older child, but it really did help underline that I was "mummy" and DH was "daddy".

If FC don't offer these opportunities up, you should tactfully request to do them. "oh let me practice feeding X so you can see if I'm doing it right" type thing. And bite your tongue about anything they do that you might not necessarily want to do (trifle sponges as a teething aid..?) but keep routine etc the same at first. Plenty of time to adjust to your way of doing things later.

[scarlet5tyger]

Italiangreyhound, I'm a foster carer who's moved on numerous children and I think the most important thing for you to remember at first is that the foster carer will be just as nervous as you! Also that as your excitement grows as the week (or two) progresses and it becomes real that you will be gaining an addition to your family so it becomes real to the FC that they are going to be losing someone they more than likely love very much. So don't be too surprised if they seem to distance themselves a bit from the little one - it's not that they don't care, it's that they care so much. This is how I cope at least.

I turn my house over to adoptive parents at the beginning of intros. From day one the baby is your baby and I try to tactfully withdraw more and more as the week goes on and let new parents take over. I like the new parents to feel comfortable and to be able to do things like make themselves a brew or something to eat if they want to, to not have to ask to use the bathroom, feel free to cook for the child/ren.

Newfostermummy, the first child is always the hardest to move on but you sound like you handled things perfectly. I know it's hard that they don't want to keep in touch but I would always prefer to know that upfront rather than have my hopes dashed further down the line.

[Italiangreyhound]

Newfosreemummy thanks so much. Gives me a really good perspective.

[newfostermummy]

I recently moved my 1st foster baby on to adoption. I was very on board with his adoption, but have to say it was still very stressful as a foster carer. I had been taking care of him for a year, and had bonded with him, as had my family. I had a "goodbye" party for him for all my friends & family, and took photo's of it for his memory book. Introductions took 7 days (he left on the 7th day), and fortunately I did like them which helped, although we interacted on a professional level. It was very odd having strangers in my home though. Day one they just came for a couple of hours with baby's SW. Day two it was half a day. I took them out to a local attraction and we had lunch. Baby was totally happy in their company fortunately. I encouraged them from day one to "take over" and so on day 3 onwards, they picked him up and took him out for the day. They brought him back at bedtime to put him to bed. I really appreciated that on the night before he left, they brought him back and asked if I would like to put him to bed for one last time (I'm sitting here crying now!). They made it clear they aren't the keeping in touch type, so I have to respect that. I have a new baby now, and am anxiously waiting to see if he is going home or adoption. I would love to adopt him myself, but LA is not keen of FC's adopting for some reason.

[musickeepsmesane]

I have handed over huge amounts of written info to families. Usually with an apology! It is very hard to take on board verbal information when in an emotional situation. I also make a point of being available. Some families need that, some never get in touch.
Our children (soon to be permanent) arrived with nothing. Luckily they were able to tell us their likes and dislikes but life would have been so much easier for them if we didn't need to keep asking questions. I am always in awe of how children manage new homes, while being aware that the easier it is at the beginning- the harder it gets.

[Moomoomie]

I agree with Devora, try not to overplan this. It can often lead to problems, as you will not know what the FC is like until you meet.
We had a horrendous experience and a fantastic experience, the first was so awful that I was dreading the intros with dd3 for this reason. We could not have had a different approach, so much more positive.
I will admit the first FC spoilt the first few days with our wonderful new daughters because of her attitude to us. Our SW actually reported her to the agency afterwards.

[Devora]

Yes, absolutely defer to the fcs expertise - they know the child best and usually have experience of these transitions. But also keep a strong eye on the bottom line and remembering that the priority is the feelings of the child, not any of the adults (we put up with all kinds of nonsense till our crunch point came when she tried to ban us from meeting bm, and at that point our advocacy for dd had to take priority).

But you know, don't overplan for this. You're a lovely thoughtful person who is very tuned in to others needs. The fc will have their own personality and way of processing things. It will be an intense and emotional time and sometimes people find that hard to handle but you just do your best as you go along.

[fasparent]

Tommy toy App . is a Toy you can buy from toys r us , an interactive page book, tot's can flick through. where you can record pictures and fun things about your self, siblings, child's new house and room can voice over too. Has been very use full for a few since they came out.
Yes we are FP's and we do these things for every child in co operation with LA's . AP's and Agency's. It is a recommended requirement should apply too all Adoptions, regardless of where children are placed from

[lovesmileandlaugh]

I've been reading this forum with interest as we are Foster Carers preparing to move our LO to adoption. She has been with us since birth and we love her as part of the family. We know this is the best thing for her and absolutely support the adoption plans, but I would love to know how to make it as easy as we can for the baby, easier for her adoptive family, and also for my family. We would love to know how she gets on in life and have some contact, she is young enough that she wouldn't remember us, but we will always love her and wish her every happiness in life.

[Italiangreyhound]

Mary

[Italiangreyhound]

fasparent I had a quick look and found this one.....

adoption.live.rss-hosting.co.uk/s/forum/108012/forum/

I have read the adoption UK boards in the past but to be honest (whispers!) they were a bit scary!

Trouble is some people say soon, some say not soon (to see fc again), so who is right and why?? I know it all depends on fc.

I am (I think) lucky in that I am usually not too easily rattled and so if the fc is not very nice to us then I can hopefully not allow it to get to me too much. I know devora had a bad time and I am not sure how I would cope. Just depends.

I guess would it help to try and put the fc in the position of expert and me in the position of learner and just ask lots of questions and be really interested etc. Easy to do if nothing else to do but of course little one is the main focus! Plus there is our dd if she comes to the house and ... here I am imagining imaginery conversations!!!

fasparent are you a foster carer and you mean you do these things for the children you have cared for who move on to adoption?w You said We have usual in place video of new family and new home. Tommy toy what does Tommy toy mean? Electronic picture fame thing?

Thanks, all appreciate this.

[fasparent]

Sorry too here of your situation Devora, We are fortunate not too have this experience , we tend too by choice mainly due too the great number of children involved, not too continue contact, but we have regular updates as too how they are all getting on, and we are available if parents ever need any help or support in the future. yes it is difficult when we have nursed and cared for some from a day old. , But better out come's far supersedes our feeling's .

[Devora]

As you know, I had a very bad time with our dd's foster carer. I still regret that, but my attempts to keep in touch have been rebuffed so I guess that's it.

Two things I have found helpful in a difficult situation (which you may find yourself in, regardless of how well you prepare): first was keeping reminding myself of how lovingly fc cared for my dd, how it was her - not me - who sat by her hospital bedside, who rocked her in her arms day and night when she was going through the drawn-out effects of neonatal addiction, who gave her so much love and security in her early months. It's really hard to let yourself get bitter about someone who has done all that.

Second, was the repeated advice of my dp during our very difficult introductions week, to remember what this was about. Very very easy to become focused on this big power struggle between us and fc, but far more important to save our energies for dd. The fc is, after all, out of your life pretty quickly.

Most fcs do a wonderful job on risible money. They are often our only link to our child's past before they came to us. You are quite right to want to do everything you can to achieve a positive relationship with them. Sometimes, though, this is beyond your power and control.

[fasparent]

We have experienced many many transition's over the year's no two are the same. thing's that help and should be available too you, are child's
weekly report log, these we pass too new family direct with life story book/work , memory box , photo record,( we also provide a life story photo power point) . THESE you should ask be too made available when child is placed. Also ask the same of too FP's leave nothing too chance.

We have usual in place video of new family and new home. Tommy toy
App. A4 Laminated photo's of New Parent's and Sibling's (we keep these personal too child keep in room , so they can say night night etc.)
some tot's have greeted new parents with Hello Mum and Dad when they 1st enter the house, We are just as nervous as new parents on 1st visit, best be relaxed and be your self, also non judgmental both ways, all family's are different, You will soon find out child's lifestyle, likes and dislike's , favourite toy's , food , how too settle down too sleep, any
history.
Children are accustomed too personal things , Toy's, own cloth's , blankets, bedding, can scene them by touch and smell , best too keep as much of their old stuff as long as you can. introduce new thing gradual.

Wish you luck just go with your heart.