advice please; thinking of adopting

[madmomma]

Just putting the feelers out for an idea of whether DH and I would be suitable adoptive parents.

We have 3 children aged 15, 3 and 2, and want to offer another child a loving home and family. I don't want to go through another pregnancy and birth, and DH has had the snip anyway, at my request.

Dd1 (15) has been consulted and would love for us to adopt, and the little two are very sociable and friendly and would love another sibling (I'm guessing)

We're non-smokers, financially ok-ish and I have no serious career plans (currently a SAHM)

The only thing is, we don't have a spare bedroom. The little ones could share for a few years yet, and then the AC could share with one of them depending on gender? Or would we need to move?

Hi and welcome :)

Any adopted child would need their own bedroom. I have heard of only 1 family who were allowed to have their BC and AC share a bedroom, and that's in about 17 years

Do you have a 3 bed house or a 4 bed? If a 3 bed, I don't think there's any alternative to moving, unless you can convert another room or partition into 4 rooms. If you have 4 bedrooms, you'd be fine as long as your 2 little ones can share for a few years, so your oldest and adoptive child would each have their own room. A few years down the line, you can do what you want with bedrooms, based on what your children need and prefer at that point in time

There is also a 2 year age gap rule (sometimes more but most agencies go for 2 years) so your adopted child would need to be at least 2 years younger than your youngest child. For that reason, you won't be able to start the adoption process for another probably about 1 and a half - 2 years, so that by the time you were approved to adopt, your younger children would be at least 5 and 4, and you could adopt a child aged 0-2.

Otherwise there is nothing you've written that would be an issue

Hope that helps

Ah, it was all going so well until we got to the spare bedroom!

I'm afraid this is generally considered really important (and I believe it is important too). Having said that, I was approved to adopt when living in a 2 bed flat with an existing child - the only restriction was that we adopt a child of the same sex. BUT I am the only adopter I have ever met to be approved in these circumstances (not sure why!); usually they absolutely insist on it.

Having said which, you have plenty of time to sort this. Most agencies want a gap of at least 2 years between your youngest child and any adopted child. So, for example, we were approved to adopt a child at least 2 years than our dd1 when she was 3, and ended up adopting a 10 m o when she was rising 5.

So if your youngest was 4 or 5 when you adopted, then your oldest would be 18 and maybe leaving home? Or you could get your younger 2 to share for a year or two till things were settled and you could evaluate whether it would work for a new child to share?

I should add that even though I was approved to adopt in a 2 bed flat I did end up moving to a larger place a few months before we adopted. And I'm really glad we did. I think it's a LOT to ask of both existing children in the family, and new adopted children, for them to go straight into room-sharing.

Ah, cross-posted with Lilka. Am I the 1 family to which you refer, Lilks?

I feel I'm achieving some small measure of fame in my life: the woman-who-was-allowed-to-adopt-in-a-rabbit-hutch.

You are indeed the 1 family Devora! It's your claim to fame in adoption land - The Ones who were Allowed to Adopt Without a Spare Bedroom

Number one in a field of one. My life has not been wasted.

madmomma how exciting. Keep posting and reading, Lilka, Devora and co have lots of wise advice to offer and experiences to share.

When I first started looking into adoption DD was under 2 and I could not understand the need for a big gap. Now, I do understand and it is all for a good reason, like the room thing. Good luck.

Good luck with whatever path you choose, you're right to be thinking hard as it's obviously a huge decision.

I second (or third, whatever number we're up to!!) the need for the spare room, its important for the child to have their own space. I also think it's important for your other children to not feel too "put upon" by having a new (and potentially very time consuming) sibling as well as suddenly having to share their room.

Thanks ladies. I absolutely cannot face moving house tbh. I know that sounds petty but we have spent an absolute fortune on making this house our own, and it's our forever house. I think my 2 smallest would be happy to share til they're 8 or so, and then I envisaged the two boys or two girls sharing. Heaven knows when the eldest will leave home, and they go back and forth for a few years sometimes don't they? Hmmm. Food for thought I guess.

madmomma You have lots of time to save up, could you convert the garage, do an extension or loft. By then your eldest would probably like the additional privacy of a space like a garage or loft away form hub bub of younger ones! Just an idea.

Yes italian we're doing the loft for the eldest next year, but that still only leaves us with one bedroom for each existing child and no spare :(

If you planning to do the loft then can't teenager have loft current & 2&3 year olds share one bedroom and new child have the third? By the time any adoption has happened and child has settled (1_2 yrs) then teenager will most likely be part-time visitor and you can rethink (maybe partition loft into two)

Possibly kew but there's a few potential probs there. The teenager is a real late developer and homebody.She might not want to leave home til she gets married and I really don't want to push her.
The little ones adore each other and would be happy to share for the forseeable future, but when the boy is 6 and the girl is 5 maybe they won't get on so well... Am I being over cautious?

Mad momma-what kind of child do you see yourselves adopting? I don't mean just age and sex, I mean what kind of background and risk factors coudl you accept? How woudl this fit into your career plans?

kristina I think the ac would have to be 2yrs younger than my youngest, so if my youngest daughter was 6 then a 4yr old or under. Wrt risk factors I don't know really. I reckon we could cope with some special needs but not a severe disability. I don't have any career plans, which is partly why I see myself as a suitable candidate for adoption. I'll work when the children are all in school but I've no idea what kind of job I'll have. I was previously a teaching assistant but I don't want to go back to that.

Oh and we don't mind what gender.

madmomma really agree you should not 'push' oldest out of nest to make room for another! I know you would not. If she is away at uni she will come home maybe 3 or even 6 times a year so she may need a space to call hers. If it were me in the position re housing I would be tempted to make the loft conversion (if accessible by a suitable stairway) into two smaller rooms and have the two younger birth children in there. then ac can be near you one the main bedroom floor and oldest DD's room could be used (when she is away/if she is away etc) for other stuff.

If you are going to hassle and expense now of modifying and really do want 4 kids I would think then a 5 bed home, 5 small beds rather than 4 larger would be preferable. You can't know if it will be suitable for ac to share with one of your two younger children and as you are very keen not to move I would work this into the contingency now. Could loft conversion have partician wall so could be two rooms or one?

I think Kristina asks an excellent question and it is about so much more than the rooms and space.

I think you should research heavily the effect of attachment disorders on children which have been in care/adopted. I say this as I did a module as part of a degree last year on safeguarding children- we discussed children in care of all ages. Our teacher (who had been a social worker for many many years , knows his stuff) said that sadly many people that go into adopting without any knowledge of what attachment disorders mean for the family and child , also the effect on the other children in the family.

I'm not saying this to put you off and I'm assuming you would get loads of support going though the process but you need to realise that when adopting a child even from baby /toddler age they most likely will have have attachment issues. Attachment can effect every part of a child's life and into adulthood too.

I mean you can't know if it will be suitable for ac to share with one of your two younger children even in the future, they may not get on at all and if they do not then sharing would make it worse probably so you would want to avoid that.

Yes italianI see your point re dividing the loft into two. I shall consult the builder about that. pointe thanks for that advice. I'll research that issue. Really appreciate all these replies. Dare I say I feel quite excited?

On a practical note, remember to check the building regulations about the number of rooms you woudl be in your loft conversions. In depends on things like the width of the stairs. Some builders are great on this , other less so