Are these the right motivations? Feeling so confused

[MaryQueenOfSpots]

My DH and I have a lovely but eccentric 5 year old DS who we love beyond reason. While watching him grow and become independent of us is amazing, I find in my heart I want to re-experience it all again. Simultaneously, my head tells me to enjoy the freedom to mumsnet work and have some of my own time now DS is at school.

We have tried to conceive naturally for 3 years and now I have reached my 40s, I'm beginning to come to terms with being infertile. Everyone says to consider IVF and I did go to a clinic to find out more, but morally I just can't get past the thought that there are already children who really need a family and that genetics isn't everything.

If we didn't have a child already, we would have no hesitation in taking on the challenges that an adopted child may bring but we need to consider DS in the equation. I love him to pieces but I recognise that he may struggle more than other only children to accommodate a sibling. He prefers adult company or imaginary friends even when there are other children to play with. I definitely wouldn't see the adopted sibling as a playmate for him.

However, he is very nurturing and affectionate to visiting younger children and when alone, he often plays with a baby doll - changing its nappy, trying to make the baby laugh. In the longer term I think it would do him good to have to share me and DH. I would also hope that once both the children were adults, they would benefit from having each other.

I also worry about whether the additional needs of a traumatised child will be too much for DS. I'd hate to make him unhappy by my selfish desire for a bigger family. When I read the forums I really worry. But this is somewhat counterbalanced by the experience of a friend who adopted two children (aged 3 and 5 at adoption, now 6 and 8) who has had a few tricky issues (control over food and bedwetting) but on the whole it has been a great experience for them. I am pretty sure we could cope with similar.

I am so confused about whether my motivations to adopt are the right ones, or even if they are realistic. Was my friend exceptionally lucky with her children? It's helped to write all this out funnily enough, but I would be so grateful for the views of anyone involved in adoption.

How unbelievably rude and nasty

Where do you get off saying things like that?

Ha ha! OK then. That was a wasted post - 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back!

I don't totally understand your post to me but I do understand that you are completely sure you're right and don't really want to hear anything else.

This whole thread has made me question the abilities of so called adoptive parents, OP exclulded, you seem to be taking on kids and treating them like excluded members of society, when their life hasn't even started yet!!

It's a shame for the OP that this thread has got bunfight'y it was so helpful at first.

....and reported!

so called parents?

Ah of course only birth parents are real parents hey tafflee?

Why are we 'excluding' our kids, pray tell? I'd love to hear this, so I can roll my eyes with the sheer stupidity of it

Why did I waste so many minutes of my life being nice and posting thoughtfully from my heart? I mean really, I wonder why I bother if all I get is vitriol in return

You wanna know what my kids think of me? Why don't you read what my daughter thinks of me? She likes me I think

Luckily I know I've done it as right as possible. I don't need random people on the internet to tell me that cause I have an adult child who can tell me I did it all right :) That by treating her as the girl she was, including her memories, past etc, was right. As it is. That parenting therapeutically was right. As it is

You truly have no clue about the needs of kids like ours

Yes, OP, I am truly sorry about this. Feel free to start another thread if need be and you have any more questions. You sound like a lovely person who would make a great adoptive parent, by the way :)

I'm sorry that my post appears to have upset you so much that you felt the need to lash out by saying I don't love my son and that he is not "my own". You might want to think about why you feel this way when my post didn't mention your love for your children or that ds came from a "challenging home" (he didn't).

Don't feel sorry for my lovely ds - he is very much loved and cherished and my dreadful approach to parenting is actually pretty normal and he doesn't seem to be suffering unduly.

do you seriously think Kew does not hug and cuddle her son and treat him with all the care he deserves

Don't be so silly

Kew parents her son differently at times by doing many of the same things I do with my son I think....reassuring stuff. Rocking on lap aand time in with mum INSTEAD of time out, which triggers deep fears. That's a good example of therapeutically parenting a child who has been through trauma

Reading up on therapeutic parenting techniques would do you the world of good were you to foster

and reported??? lol - I hope so, because children should be treated as your own if you adopt, and i'm glad your oldest has been okay, without you imprinting her past on her

what the fuck does 'imprinting the past' mean? It sounds like something in 'Twilight'

Actually I have parented her very differently than I would a secure child, because of her past

That's the RIGHT thing to do with a child who has been through a lot

As she affirms herself

I reported your post for being a personal attack on Kew, and personal attacks are against the Terms of Use or whatever they're called

Time out triggers deep fears?? Get a grip, how about sleeping in watching cartoons snuggling in to duvets?? What's that??? Over mothering, or have you never done that???

personal attack, lol, dont worry, i apologise to 'Kew' if you felt that way,

Lilka - luckily most of us here are robust enough not to worry too much about anonymous opinions of people on the Internet because we have . I think the irritation factor of actually engaging with the debate only to have your posts wilfully misinterpreted might raise the blood pressure a bit so I'm going to disengage at this point...

Hopefully the Op has enough information for the time being at least.

Sometimes hiding threads is a really sensible idea.

Yes it does for him. Being sent away makes him feel abandonned and extremely scared...I tried time out once in a moment of sheer stupidity and he was shaking in fear and crying and then begged me not to send him away with deep fear in his voice. I never so felt so stupid. No more time outs.

You are the one who is literally clueless about what our kids feel. Either don't foster or learn fast

Ah, you're probably right Kew as usual. Can't take back reports anyway, mods will be along soon to delete the attacks as per usual

"because we are confident in the love we have for our children" sorry lost a bit there.

And being accused of not loving an adoptive child as much as they love their"own" children is pretty staple insult to an adoptive parent so water off a ducks back for me!

true that Kew!!

No Tafflee I've never 'over mothered' what is this word you speak of?

My kids don't know what cuddles are, or duvet cartoons, or hugs, or kisses. Totally spoils them, hugging does

TV is banned in this house
So is laughing, and having fun, and smiling, and video games and computers

MY kids know the value of chores...from morning, noon until night!! 12 hours of work on weekends, weeding, scrubbing and giving me foot massages

One book a week is permitted, but it must be a Victorian pamphlet produced for children to let them know the value of being seen and not heard

After 12 hours of hard graft, and a small meal of gruel (sp?), it's time for extra school. I got my son started on long division when he was 2. I have a ruler to rap the hand for misbehaviour.

Then bread and cheese is followed by bed, but with the window wide open, warm rooms spoil children

Amy Chua has nothing on me I'm tellin ya. Anyone read 'To train up a child' by the Pearls? Cracking book I'm telling you

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lilka i don't need to, i have two beautiful kids of my own - but i also have the ability to love without questions -

Lilka i believe that actually, lol

Super

Night night honey xxxxxxxx