Are these the right motivations? Feeling so confused

[MaryQueenOfSpots]

My DH and I have a lovely but eccentric 5 year old DS who we love beyond reason. While watching him grow and become independent of us is amazing, I find in my heart I want to re-experience it all again. Simultaneously, my head tells me to enjoy the freedom to mumsnet work and have some of my own time now DS is at school.

We have tried to conceive naturally for 3 years and now I have reached my 40s, I'm beginning to come to terms with being infertile. Everyone says to consider IVF and I did go to a clinic to find out more, but morally I just can't get past the thought that there are already children who really need a family and that genetics isn't everything.

If we didn't have a child already, we would have no hesitation in taking on the challenges that an adopted child may bring but we need to consider DS in the equation. I love him to pieces but I recognise that he may struggle more than other only children to accommodate a sibling. He prefers adult company or imaginary friends even when there are other children to play with. I definitely wouldn't see the adopted sibling as a playmate for him.

However, he is very nurturing and affectionate to visiting younger children and when alone, he often plays with a baby doll - changing its nappy, trying to make the baby laugh. In the longer term I think it would do him good to have to share me and DH. I would also hope that once both the children were adults, they would benefit from having each other.

I also worry about whether the additional needs of a traumatised child will be too much for DS. I'd hate to make him unhappy by my selfish desire for a bigger family. When I read the forums I really worry. But this is somewhat counterbalanced by the experience of a friend who adopted two children (aged 3 and 5 at adoption, now 6 and 8) who has had a few tricky issues (control over food and bedwetting) but on the whole it has been a great experience for them. I am pretty sure we could cope with similar.

I am so confused about whether my motivations to adopt are the right ones, or even if they are realistic. Was my friend exceptionally lucky with her children? It's helped to write all this out funnily enough, but I would be so grateful for the views of anyone involved in adoption.

[KosmoKramer]

Ooh yes, I can see Tafflee's references being read out at fostering / adoption panel. And then the file being closed. And binned.

What an extraordinary amount of misguided crap you have spouted, Tafflee. The other posters on this thread just shine with their knowledge. Same really, as you actually sounded quite warm when you started posting.

[roadwalker]

Tafleee- you have been incredibly rude on this thread, making accusations and then defensive when nothing has been said
Like I said earlier, you very rudely hijacked the OP's thread with your own agenda
People more patient than me attempted to discuss with you but you are clearly not interested in genuine discussion
You have a very warped sense of logic. Adopted or not there is more than one way to parent you know.
Children may have autism or LD and may need a different approach- by your logic it is this approach that has caused the disorder??
Likewise if a child has a physical disability and needs a wheelchair- it is not the parent using the wheelchair that has caused the disability you know, nor the wheelchair, that is the tool they use to enable the child function in society

[marfisa]

Not an adoptive parent, just wandering past, but I'm massively impressed with Lilka and Kewcumber - their display of compassion and knowledge and ability to keep their cool.

It's interesting that taffleee herself has been in care. My hunch is that she HAS been traumatised by her past and hasn't had the therapeutic help she needs to work through it, thus the fact that she has such an axe to grind today. (Not that that excuses the rudeness though.)

[Kewcumber]

Marfisa - that's kind of you to say so. It hasn't escaped me that some of the (for want of a better word) soothing techniques I use on DS and the ability not to react I have learnt have come in very handy on this thread.

But sometimes people just have offensive views and believe they are right about everything.

[Kewcumber]

roadwalker - its interesting (and might actually be relevant to OP) that I came to the same conclusion last night. Talking too much about adoptive parenting or therapeutic parenting gives people the mistaken impression that it is somehow something different or special or weird that sets our children apart from others.

In fact its really as simple as parenting your child the way they need to develop as well as they possibly can - whatever their needs.

I don't use time out (as Lilka said and we have discussed this before as our boys have similar issues) because it doesn't work for us. We have alternatives that work well if you are persistent.

When I discuss this with people in RL I don't mention "adoption" just discuss different ideas... generally on an adoption support board though its OK to talk more openly about what has caused the issues we deal with and what works for other people.

OP - it is an interesting lesson which many of us have learnt though - DON'T MENTION ADOPTION! You will be bombarded with people saying that all children do (insert behaviour of choice).

If taffleee thinks we are exaggerating the effects of adoption on a substantial number of children I hope she never signs onto AdoptionUK forum, her head may well explode!

Never mind... its all part of life's rich tapestry eh, MrsDV?

[Lilka]

Ah it's amazing how a nights sleep makes me so calm and collected!

I agree with Kew

MrsDV - Just looked at that other thread, ohhhh dear. Great how no one gave her the time of day i could learn from that. I'm not as good as Kew at not rising to goading. I have a lot of patience and calm when it comes to the children but I just can't make it extend to strangers, it all goes out the window!

[Kewcumber]

Aw Lilka - have a hug and some time in...

[Kewcumber]

and I would imagine that the posters on that thread weren't deliberately not giving her the time of day just a bit bemused about why they should go an laugh at a pile of random adopters!

[roadwalker]

Which thread?

[Lilka]

The immigration one on aibu

She starts on page 20 then by 22 its all 'EDL' and at some point after that she randomly starts moaning anout thos horrible woman who doesnt love her kids and wants to kick tafflee off because she doesnt yhink kids are traumatised or something like that. Not sure whether she was talking about Kew or me, i suspect me. It was sort of funny in a really pathetic kind of way

Thanks Kew

Now I'm off to cook a batch of gruel


Now I really want to watch Oliver....

[cornflakegirl]

I often read posts in the adoption section, but never post because I have no personal experience of adoption. It's such a shame that this thread has been derailed, because I've learnt so much from Lilka and Kew and the other regulars. I just wanted to say thank you for everything you guys share. Lilka - your daughter's blog post was beautiful, and made me cry.

[roadwalker]

Thanks Lilka
I love the way they just ignore her

[AmyMumsnet]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your reports.

Adoption can be a difficult subject to talk about - understandably so - but we don't let comments stand which suggest that people who adopt are any less of a parent than people who have biological children.

Going forwards, we'd really appreciate it if folks could remember that the main aim of the site is to provide support for parents of all backgrounds. Please read our talk guidelines for any extra clarification.

[Lilka]

Thanks mods

And cornflakegirl , thank you, DD cannot believe the amount of lovely responses she has got :)

Maryz yes I totally agree re. the difference between 'loving a child as if they were your own' and 'loving your child who IS your own'. My children are not like my own, they ARE my own, and I think the distinction is very important

[unusednickname]

What Maryz just said with a side order of 'once social services get an idea of her political...Um...let's call them 'ideas' there's no way on earth they'll consider her for fostering'

[marfisa]

Ahem.

Another example of the poster above having communication issues.

[Devora]

It's a funny old place, the adoption cave. We bumble along quite happily, chatting among ourselves, flying under the radar, sheltering from the storms of the big MN seas around us - then once every couple of months someone comes on here and insults us quite gratuitiously

[Lilka]

I was just thinking how rare it is that there is ever an argument on this board, Devora

We get away with it for so long, and a couple of times a year we get one person spoiling the harmony and supportive vibes Apart from that one year we had that annoying man who kept putting @ - who started all those goady threads and nearly made Kew quit posting forever, but that was a blip

[Devora]

I wonder if some people find us quite tough - those that come on saying they have so much love to give a child and we tell em how it is and they run away screaming. (I do NOT mean the OP - she sounds great ). Perhaps some expect us to be fluffy? We're certainly not that - but I hope we're never offensive or unkind.

[Kewcumber]

I'm sure some people find us tough. I find us tough!

I like to think that we're a bit like a pub landlady - hard as nails with a well-disguised heart of gold. No coincidence that my redoubtable grandmother was a pub landlady.