dh and his estranged father

[Inthebeginning]

Hi everyone, so we are through to stage two (Yay! ) and have been tasked with writing our PAR report. s.w has asked for us to have a go at writing it and then she will look it over adapt it etc as she feels necessary.
We have been honest from the start that dh' dad step mom and step brother no longer speak to us and haven't for 5 years.
In the par it asks about his childhood etc. dh has said that he had relatively happy childhood but issues with dad. felt he was distant resented him and that sonetimes his punishment was harsh.
In truth his dad was emotionally abusive and when he was little would be "over vigorous" with punishment. saying very nasty things and occasionally smacking but very hard. What detail does dh need to go into? dh is an exceptionally kind ans caring person specifically because of this. He has learnt from this how not to parent and our life is far better without him in it.
Just a bit unsure how deeply he should go into it.

I was estranged from my father during the adoption process (had been for about 5 years and was for about 5 years after though we are now speaking again)

I didn;t go into it in detail - a home study isn't therapy or counselling, its to assess your suitability to parent a child and quite possibly a child with additional needs. I think what you have said is just fine ...

he had relatively happy childhood but issues with dad. felt he was distant resented him and that sonetimes his punishment was harsh.

I think its also good to go on and say that it has impacted on his own parenting style because he disliked this very disciplinarian approach so much and discuss what alternatives he uses to shouting and/or smacking.

Thanks Kew. It asks such blooming detailed questions. "What memories do you have of birthdays and Christmas" that I worry we are being deliberately vague and it'll lpok suspicious (thinking about this too much)

I didn't have such detailed asked (in the olden days!).

You don;t need to be vague - just don;t make his relationship with his father the centrepiece of the discussion. So "I remember the excitement of Xmas of all teh family being together, my motehr making a special effort blah blah blah" then say that the fact that his father was such an angry man (or however you want to phrase it) made him realise the important of making special memories for your childrne. Social worker will no doubt ask you/him about it - just be calm and keep it in its rightful context. "He wasn;t the worlds best father because .... but at least it was an exercise in how not to parent!"

Inthebegining I had a pretty happy childhood and have vertually no memories of anything! i can honestly say my memories of Christmas were presents, tree, waiting for my uncle to finish eating so we could have pudding, my favourite gold foil wrapped chocolate tree decoration etc etc. I don't even remember the presents I got! I guess what i am saying is that most people don;t have necessarily have masses of memories so don't worry you can't go into lots of details.

As ever Kew has given excellent advice.

Good luck.

I mean I remember getting presents but not what! I do remember stuff from when I was older but as a kid it is a bit of a blur!

I think if your dh's dad was as you describe it seems totally fair not to want him in his life.

Try not to worry.

thanks both. I no I do have a ridiculous memory of things so his looks a little ......"paltry" compared to it. s.wrker seems fine about it.....just me!

My dh had a quite traumatic childhood and his relationship with his dad was very hard especially as a teenager. Although his dad was pretty awful he is close to his mum and very close to his grand parents. He spoke quite honestly about his dad but also focused on the relationship he had with his grand parents and spoke about that good role models they were. The social worker was very pleased that dh spoke so honestly and I think it showed that he had work through a lot of issues.
Good luck

Thank you cedar, that sounds very similar.
Dh wouldn't be the wonderful person he is without his childhood, and I'm certain our life is getter without his father in it.
Still horrible to think he suffered what he did though.

Hello, just to say that I was estranged from my parents when my ex husband and I started the adoption process six years ago. The home study SW booked me in for extra sessions so we could go over it but in the end we didn't use them all as I was completely open and laid everything out that had happened, and she said it was clear that I had done a lot of learning from my past, had plenty of counselling etc. Funnily enough it was my ex who ended up being questioned far more closely despite his very cosy family orientated working class upbringing because they suspected he would be far less adaptable to changing his views of how children should be parented even if their background and adoption related issues demanded it. (Turned out they were right sadly, we are now going through divorce). I'm sure your partner will be fine if he is open and honest and can show he is able to parent according to a child's needs and not his own.

The Christmas question to me is to make you aware that Christmas for all children is not always a happy one infact having been in care some where bloody horrid some children get terrible flashbacks at Christmas how would you deal with that ! So you are aware of triggers the same for birthdays etc xxxx