Hello,
I have been reading an awful lot on this board for the last week or two and have finally plucked up the courage to ask some questions of real-life adopters. I say "real-life" as I am having to accept that what is happening to my family is "real" and I am utterly heartbroken.
I posted on the legal matters board a few weeks ago (I am new to Mumsnet and I'm not sure how to link to my post, sorry, but the title is "SS took my baby at 6 days because of my MH"), that probably explains the situation I am in slightly better than I could at the moment. I have tears streaming down my face writing this and also have severe mastitis at the moment which may require surgical drainage so am feeling physically dreadful too and cannot hope to be articulate, for which I apologise.
I am a birth mum, my baby is 2 months old and was taken from me at 6 days old from the hospital on the "future risk of emotional harm". I have MH problems and had a breakdown in mid-2012. I have been stable since, but SS made me undergo a psych assessment during my pregnancy which deemed me in need of therapy as a result of abuse I suffered as a child. I am totally committed to this therapy, which I have begun, as I know it will make me a better and stronger person and would be a disservice to my baby were I not to engage and work my bum off. However, the therapy may take around a year to complete and SS believe it is not within my baby's timeframe. It is felt until I complete I am still vulnerable to abusive relationships (though have been single since October 2012) and therefore may have another breakdown. SS say my baby must then be adopted.
I have fought since before my baby was born and will fight until the end because I know I can keep myself safe and well and therefore baby too. But I must be realistic and hence the reason for my (lengthy) post.
I wanted to ask some questions of you all if it's ok, just so I can understand the process better. I was literally discharged from hospital with no support from services and despite SS plans for adoption, no one has talked to me about anything. I hope you don't mind me asking for your help, if anyone can answer any questions I'd be most grateful. I've not been specific in terms of gender or anything identifying.
- what information are you given about prospective baby and what makes you "make your mind up"?
- do you meet baby before you've decided 100%?
- do you meet foster carers and do you meet birth mum?
- do you adopt in a different area to birth families?
- do you change babies names? my baby's sibling chose their name so that's an important one.
- what are the options for any contact with birth mum? what's the "norm"? is there ever any way birth mum can see baby and stay in their lives? (I am desperate for this)
- what about sibling contact, what's the "norm"? my baby has an elder sibling who lives with me and is utterly destroyed at the idea of losing baby.
- do you "have" to tell baby they are adopted? could it happen that an adoptive family wouldn't tell the child and would just write birth mum out?
- if you do "have" to tell child, what age do you do it? and how?
10. I've read about the "life-story" book on this board, I've made my own for my baby, well it's a box with hand and foot prints, scan photos and photos of actual birth, videos and photos of every time I see baby, everything I bought, clothes, things I made during pregnancy (blankets and soft toys), hospital tags, cord clips, cards from friends, messages and pictures from mw (midwife is distraught at what's happening), even my postnatal notes I photocopied. desperately desperately need baby to know how much they were wanted and loved.
question then - can I keep all of that for when and if baby grows up and wants contact so I can show them myself (and in some ways retain that "bit" of them) or do I have to hand everything over?
11. does baby get to know how hard birth family fought and tried to stay in their lives? that they were breastfed and birth mum continued to express milk to give them best start? in short, that birth mum did her absolute best?
sorry - I know some of this is probably totally inappropriate to ask you all and is hugely emotionally driven - I am in pieces writing this. But you are real people and I don't know anyone who has been through this, I am so so terrified of it all and totally traumatised still from the moment the midwife took my baby out of the room and away. I have flashbacks constantly of their little fluffy head going out the door and the foster carer holding my hand beforehand and crying her eyes out.
Totally understand if no one wants to answer the questions, I just had to find the courage to ask.
Thanks
x