Found Birth Son

[StellaDallas2013]

I am a regular member, but felt more comfortable to do a name change for this. I am posting in Chat so it will vanish in 90 days.
I gave up a son for adoption a long time ago. Recently, I applied for post adoptive information, and was given his name. I found him on-line within hours. His adoptive father and uncle passed away this year, and the obituaries gave me a lot of information. He is in his 30's, and looks a lot like my ex's brother, he also resembles my children. He has the same interests as my children, their facebook profiles are very similar...and he has five facebook friends in common with one of my children and two other people we are close to. He lives and works where one of my children used to.
I am torn on whether or not to put my name in the match registry. I don't know if he even knows he is adopted.
I don't know why I applied for the information, but now I cannot stop thinking about him now that I see him on the web. Considering his recent bereavements (a few months ago) would this be too much emotional stuff for a person?
If I register myself, he may want to meet me. I don't think I want that. Well, I do, but I don't. But my children seem very interested in him and I wonder, would he want to meet them? I told them about his adoption a couple of years ago.

I just wanted to put it out there, and see if anyone can offer any advice or perspective? Thanks for reading this.

Bliss: your response is naive. Fine really is the wrong word to describe reunion. Even when both parties are willing it is hugely emotional and complex.

Stella: I really really feel for you. You sound like a lovely person. I would let your initial feelings settle a bit first before making a decision. The first bit of contact is overwhelming and everything must feel very raw and confusing. If you are going to get contact you need to feel strong and sure of how to handle it and I'm not sure you can do this so soon after finding out. It's a good idea to wait a bit and fully process how you feel.

I'm sure that bliss88 means well, but I guess that she/he is not directly involved in an adoption scenario?

Stella, may I re-word one of my comments? You don't have to close the door now, with the option of opening it later, you can just leave it ajar for the moment - ready for you to open, or close, it at some point in the future. Don't make any hasty decisions.

Bless you, it must be hard for you.

Wise words Fruola. Lots and lots of luck with this Stella.

Thank-you all for your advise. I began to question if I was doing the best thing in not having any kind of contact. I won't do anything unless I see him seeking information.

That way I will feel it is something he really wants and needs, not a simple curiosity.

I will bow out now, thanks again for your advise, it helped me realize what is best.

I agree with those who have recommended you seek counselling. This is very complex and you need someone in RL who sit involved to help you think it through

Good luck

Hey Stella, I think you probably could do with some RL talking to work through your feelings. No wonder you are uncertain about contact when you can't predict any of the feelings or responses from your birth son, your children or even yourself.

I too have a birth child who I can see the basics of on social media, it is an extraordinary position to be in. I would imagine you are my generation and when the adoption was made the Internet was inconceivable and adoptions were presented as fully closed. There have been so many social changes and cultural ones too that you could not have ever envisioned the choices you have now.

I hope you work through with yourself and your family what you feel comfortable with, take it slowly. We will never know what is 'best' post contact narratives are very different, good luck with your choices.

I wish you well Stella. You have plenty of time to decide what to do.

Fumbled's comments are very apt. I am an oldish adoptee. In our day birth parents, and those of us adoptees who are of a 'certain age' now, could never have envisioned anything like the internet and social media as we got older. When I was in my late 20s - about the time I was thinking about starting my search for my BM - these easy search options simply didn't exist. And the adoption laws have changed, in respect of information being given out.

It must be massively hard for birth mothers to be able to see and watch their child's life from afar now - I suspect that is what making your decisions about what to do even more difficult.

In my heart, I'd love you to make contact. But in my head I know that I don't know you nor do I know your son - so how on earth do I know how it would work out for you? I don't.

I don't even know how it would work out if I did, finally, meet my birth mother.